I Just Can’t

 

Apparently, Americans are speaking less.  According to two researchers we are talking approximately 28% less than we did fifteen years ago.  We are using less words . . . 330 fewer words are spoken per day, roughly 120,000 less words spoken per year.  The researchers state, “It’s a substantial loss.”  This lack of speaking is a concern especially because the trend seems to be continuing annually. 

It seems that this lack of intercourse between folks is a determent to psychological and social well-being.  Talking contributes to our well-being and sense of belonging.  It eases anxiety.  Helps us to trust others.  Bottom that speaking or talking is a benefit and that this dwindling of intercourse is destroying society.  Logically the means of bucking this trend is to talk more to one another.  So, I am assuming we should all talk more.

 

I can’t . . . I just can’t.  There is no way I can talk more.  I just can’t.

 

It is not difficult to see how this decline in conversation has evolved over the years.  Technology has played a major role.  Smart phones with all their innovative means of connecting people have seen major movement towards texting and messaging apps especially among the young.  Texting seems the way to go for a lot of people.  There’s no real interaction.  I see this with my children.  They would rather text or message than have a real conversation.

 

Also, smart phones are a major distraction.  The average American spends four to five hours a day looking at their phone.  This is about 70 full days per year.  I’m fairly certain that little of that time is spend talking to other people.  Here is how it breaks down:

•      Gen Z averages 6.5 hours a day. 
•      Millennials roughly 4.5 hours a day.
•      Baby Boomers average 3 to 4 hours a day.
•     Teens, at least 20%, average 5 to 8 hours a day.

All are well over the recommended screen time of under two hours per day.  Research shows that people check their phones 58 times a day.  It is hard to converse when one’s nose and attention is focused on a cell phone screen.

Thanks to the Covid pandemic, there is the issue of social isolation.  Americans increasingly spend more time alone and are not as socially engaged.  This follows the trend of more people working remotely.  If you aren’t around people, you are not going to say much.  Technology has contributed by doing lots of tasks once done in person now done online.  Paying bills can be set up online. Retailers struggle as more shopping is done online.  Everything can be done online—who needs people?  That, which has made life more efficient has resulted in less verbal action.  Shoot!  With artificial intelligence (AI) there is no need for people at all. Your best friend can be AI.

 

This all adds up to less human-to-human interaction.  An average person has gone from 16,600 words per day to a measly 12,000 words per day.

 

Honestly, I do not see a problem.  Of course, I am an introvert.  I can do with fewer people and less verbal interaction.  I appreciate the peace and quiet.  Besides, people talk too much.  It was pointed out to me long ago that we should listen twice as much as we speak.  That is why God created humans with two ears and one mouth.  Where the researchers see a problem, I see a blessing.  For that reason, it is frustrating to be urged to take up the mantle and talk more.  I can’t do it.  It’s not in me.  I’m not built for it.

 

Now don’t get me wrong . . . I talk.  When I worked full-time, I spoke as necessitated and required by my employer.  I did my part though I doubt it was anywhere close to 12,000 to 16,600 words a day.  Same as the duties I performed for over 40 years as a pastor.  I spoke when the need came up or it was a part of the duties of ministry.  I can tell you that these verbal bouts wore me out by the end of the day.  By the time I got home in the evening I wanted peace and quiet. Which was okay.  In our marriage the wife is the verbal one.  She is an extrovert and never missed a conversation.  I estimate that she speaks 75% of the time we are together.  I just shake my head a lot.  Because I have two ears, I listen.  It works for us.

 

Socially I talk I greet people with “hello”, but never with “how you doing?”  “How you doing” opens a flood gate for an all-out dissertation.  I don’t have time for that.  I will speak when others speak to me.  That’s respect.  Because of that I tend not to be social.  I have been known to get “talkative” after a couple of beers.  Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes people chatty.  I’m not inclined to be chatty, and I always regret it the next day when I am.  For the most part to be talkative you need people.  I prefer my own company.  At least I know how the conversation is going to go.  My sister gave me a sweatshirt years ago that said, “Ewww . . . people!”  It is one of my favorite sweatshirts, but it rarely gets worn outside of the house.  People don’t always appreciate humor or sarcasm.  I know, truth hurts.

 

When researchers discover and complain that people don’t talk enough . . . that people are talking to each other less . . . I don’t see the problem.  As far as I am concerned, it is a nice problem to have.  It is quieter.  An introvert’s dream.  When those researchers suggest that people need to talk more . . . well, I get anxious.  Talk more?  That’s a big request.  I’d love to help, but I can’t.  That’s a big ask.  It would mean I would have to get out of my comfort zone.  I would have to actually be around people . . . that I would have to converse . . . to speak.  An introvert’s worse nightmare.  I will let others do the talking.  I am certain that there are plenty of folks out there who can pick up the mantle and speak up a storm.  It is an election year with plenty of talking to go around.  I am sure that these people can do it and make America great once again as “talkers”.  It just won’t be me . . . I just can’t.

 

(Blog based on article by Markham Heid, What We’re Losing by Talking Less, Time magazine, May 25, 2026.)

Misunderstood

As an introvert I have spent a lifetime being misunderstood.  I am not weird.

My sister gave me a hoodie several years ago with a simple phrase across the chest.  It said, “Eww, people”.  I love that sweatshirt.  During the pandemic I was part of a virtual meeting and not thinking, I was wearing that sweatshirt.  Working from home at that time, I didn’t realize what I was wearing.  My boss did and I got an earful following that meeting.  It was inappropriate and gave a misunderstood message to all the other attendees.  It was difficult to sit down the rest of the day.

 

I love that hoodie.  I do not “hate” people.  No, far from it.  I actually love the human race.  I made my living serving people as a pastor for over forty years.  I love people . . . but, if I had a choice, I would prefer being alone to being with people.  Introverts are that way.  Where extroverts get energized by people, introverts get drained.  As I said, I was a pastor for over forty years.  So was my wife.  When we got home from our respective congregations and worship on Sunday mornings, she wanted to fix a big dinner and talk.  I wanted to nap and be silent.

 

Don’t assume that just because I am an introvert and wear a hoodie with “Eww, people” emblazoned across the front that I am anti-people.  I am not.  I just like my people in small numbers (really small numbers) for short periods of time.  I am not anti-social.  I am an introvert.

 

Introverts enjoy silence and alone time.  This is something that extraverts don’t seem to understand.  It is estimated that two-thirds of the world’s population is extroverted.  This tendency towards silence and being alone is often viewed negatively by the more exuberant extroverts.  It is not . . . silence and being alone is where introverts thrive.  So, cut us some slack.  Forgive us if we don’t answer the doorbell or the first knock because you want to visit unexpectedly.  Remember you are coming unannounced to invade our sanctuary of solitude.  Warn us you are coming.  Give us time to prepare . . . or leave town.  Just don’t come knocking on our doors expecting to be greeted with open arms. 

 

Same with phones.  Introverts dislike phones because they too interrupt the solitude of our sanctuaries.  On the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory test that is used to determine personality type—including introversion/extroversion—one of the main questions is: When the phone rings do you: (A) answer it immediately, or (B) let it ring until someone else answers it.  I always hoped that someone else would answer it.  Now with cell phones the introvert can screen calls.  If it ain’t an emergency—leave a message.  Or text.  Phone calls require a lot of emotional energy for introverts.  For introverts phone calls are annoying.  Who wants to talk to an annoyed person—text and be safe.

 

Another annoyance for introverts comes in the area of communication.  Introverts can talk . . . can communicate despite what seems to be to the contrary.  Take note:

1.   Introverts don’t like small talk.  Conversations take time and energy.  Introverts prefer conversations that allow them to go deeper in relationships with other people.  Talk of the weather or the latest sports score is tedious, draining, and even annoying.  Introverts are tolerant folks and realize that small talk is a part of socialization.  That is probably why they don’t socialize too much.

2.   Interruptions.  If you are talking to an introvert, then let them speak.  Introverts typically think before they speak.  Give them time.  Try not to interrupt them.  Don’t fill in the silent pauses.  Don’t change the subject before they’ve had a chance to respond.  Extroverts don’t like silence, so they are constantly interrupting—DON’T!  Introverts can speak if given the chance.  I know it is hard for extroverts to be patient and do this, but they can do it.

One of the greatest misconceptions I confront in my life as an introvert is when it comes to “space”.   I value “my space” whether it is physical, psychological, or spiritual.  I need my “space”.  Extroverts do not understand this concept of “space” because the whole world is a playground for social interaction.  Introverts need their own “space” to recharge, regroup, and center themselves—alone.

I live in what I consider a spacious house—five bedrooms, living room, kitchen, laundry room, family room, and two bathrooms.  Plenty of room for my wife and me.  You would think that “space” would not be an issue with us.  But remember, my spouse is an extrovert.  The house is her domain and playground. Most of the house and its décor reflect her and her extroversion.  Plus, she is always where I am in the house wanting to talk and interact.  It is draining!

 

In John Prine’s song, Angel from Montgomery, he sings these lyrics:

 

How the hell can a person

Go to work in the morning

And come home in the evening

And have nothing to say?

 

Because they are introverts!

 

Fortunately, my wife understands, and I have been graced with a room of my own—a sanctuary.  It is not a “man cave”.  The family calls it my “office”.  It is lined with books, sentimental pictures on the walls, and my computer. And there is no television or radio.  There is Alexa, but she lost her voice long ago as she is always upstairs talking to my wife.  This is my sanctuary.  My place of peace.  My silent domain.  Often the family forgets that I’m even home because it is so quiet. But that is how I like it despite the music blaring. the television ranting, and people wanting to talk.  I am granted this gift because those who know me know that if John ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.  Even our dogs respect this.

 

The only place of sanctuary in the house is the bathroom.  Often, I can hide away in the quiet stillness of the bathroom to regroup and re-energize.  I go in, shut and lock the door, and take a seat.  Sometimes I read a book.  Sometimes I just sit and think.  Whatever the case, there is silence, and I am alone.  Of course, the bathroom also serves other purposes and can be in demand.  I have learned to respect a sudden knock on the door with the question, “Are you okay in there?”  Sure, give me five more minutes and life will be good.  I think the family thinks I am constipated.  I am not, I am an introvert.

 

And . . . that’s it.  I am not weird.  Not strange.  I am an introvert.  And, if you ask another introvert, they will tell you that I am quite normal.  I am misunderstood.  Two-thirds of the world looks at introverts as aliens invading their world . . . or being party poopers running away from the festivities.  But we introverts are normal . . . we just need our peace and quiet.  Give us that and you’d be surprised at how different we can be in a social context . . . as long it is it only a few people, doesn’t involve a lot of time, and we are given fair warning.  We can have as much fun as anyone else.  Trust me, I know.  I’ve done it a few times. I survived.  Everyone survived.  It’s been a couple of years, but I think I’m about ready to try again.  I am not weird, I am misunderstood.  I am an introvert.

 

18th Anniversary of the 38th

I went to Yellowstone National Park to celebrate the 18th anniversary of my 38th birthday, I took the second annual trip to Yellowstone National Park . . . by myself.  Like a true introvert I relish the opportunity to spend some time in Yellowstone . . . by myself.  I did it for the first time last year to celebrate the big double nickel birthday and had a blast . . . the wife suggested that I do it again this year.  Who am I to argue?  So, I am spending the 18th anniversary of my 38th birthday in Yellowstone National Park . . . and, it has been great!

After a nice celebration with my church family, I was able to hit the road to Yellowstone by noon.  With the Chief Joseph Scenic Bypass open to Cooke City, I was able to take my favorite route into the park.  This route is my favorite route as I can pretty much see everything and anything that is in the park.  Before I even got into the park I was able to see a mama moose and her calf hanging out by a river.  The longer that I live in the Yellowstone ecosystem, the more I value the moose over all the other critters that I can observe . . . despite their clumsy looking appearance they are actually quite graceful and fast . . . don't ever get between a mama moose and her baby.  It is always good to knock off the moose on the list of things to see when heading to Yellowstone . . . in over five years of going to Yellowstone, I have only seen a couple of moose in the actual park.

The next wonderful surprise was seeing a wolf feeding off a carcass in Lamar Valley.  The wolf in Yellowstone is a highlight of any trip into the park as these creatures are pretty elusive.  Typically I see one a summer when touring the park.  It is good that I have marked the wolf off early this summer.  I got some wonderful pictures . . . well, I guess it depends on whether or not you like seeing a wolf ripping flesh off of a caraass . . . but, they were great pictures.

Further down the road, heading to Mammoth Hot Springs and the North Entrance to the park, I stumbled upon a bear.  As of this moment, as I am writing this, I am not sure if this bear was a really, really big black bear or a grizzly bear.  I will have to save judgement  on that until I get back home and download the pictures . . . the wife will be the final judge on what sort of bear it was.  All I can tell you is that it was a really, really big bear.  My gut reaction is that it was a grizzly . . . grizzly sounds so much cooler than a black bear.

For the start of the second annual celebration of my birthday . . . it was a pretty darn good day.  Top it off with a nice ribeye steak for supper, a Cold Smoke brew from Missoula, and a nice warm motel room with Wi-Fi . . . I just have to say that it was as wonderful of a present as anyone could have ever given me to commemorate the 18th anniversary of my 38th birthday!

I appreciate the grace of my wife for blessing this ritualistic observance of my yearly getting older.  I appreciate the gracefulness of her urging me to go and visit the park by myself . . . Yellowstone National Park is just about her most favorite place in the world, and to let me go by myself is a huge sacrifice on her part.  She would have loved to see the moose (though we have a lot of them around the Red Lodge area), the wolf, the bear, and not to mention all the other critters I have seen.  It was a wonderful gift for her to give her blessing for me to parouse the park by myself.  I am not sure others would have understood how special it was to have this opportunity . . . and, I still have tomorrow to go!  As much as she has given her blessing upon this trip, I know that it is killing her!  I really do appreciate this gift.

Now, I appreciate all of the gifts and well-wishes I have received to acknowledge that I have grown a year older . . . that I have set, yet another, personal record for longevity . . . but, this is still the greatest gift of all.  As an introvert I appreciate it whenever someone else acknowledges my need for alone time . . . acknowledges my need to process all of the hoopla surrounding what I would almost forget if others did not remind me.  Usually I would take off any Sunday in which my birthday lands, but this year I couldn't as I had already taken off a Sunday two week earlier. Thus it was that I put up with all the teasing and joking that comes with the preacher's birthday . . . but, to be honest, the congregation was respectful as they celebrated my birthday.  For that I was appreciative.  As my momma used to say, "Keep it simple" . . . and, they did.  I appreciate it very much.

I have appreciated the "quiet time" . . . time in which I can let my mind go to wherever it pleases.  "Quiet time" to listen to music I want to listen to without apologizing if it happens to be "donker donker" music that drives the wife crazy.  "Quiet time" to appreciate the beauty of God's handiwork without having to say a million times . . . "Wow! Beautiful!"  God knows that I appreciate the creativity of God's touch.  "Quiet time" in which I do not have to listen to our dogs--the roving door bell system--barking their heads off with every movement they hear outside of the house.  "Quiet time" to just be.  "Quiet time" to just look around, rejoice in what resides in that rock garden between my ears, and proclaim, "It is good!"  I appreciate it all.

As I sit in the Comfort Inn in Gardiner, Montana, I rejoice!  I rejoice as I have received the greatest of all the gifts one could receive . . . acknowledgement of who I am, what I need, and the world in which I live.  To the wife, I say "thank you".  It is amazing that after more than three decades of marriage the wife gets it.

I also rejoice in the promise of what tomorrow will bring.  In the morning I will once again explore that place where I mark another year of life.  I could think of worse places to celebrate one's birthday, but I can hardly imagine a better place.  To the wife . . . thank you!  Tomorrow it is back to the world of extroverts . . . the wife has a party for family and guest scheduled.  I guess that is the price one pays for receiving the perfect birthday gift for the second year in a row.

You Know Who You Are

I recently stumbled upon a bunch of quotes that came under the heading, 30 Thoughts That Every Introvert Has Had.  If you are an introvert, you will appreciate these quotes.  I am not really sure who the individual was who found all of these, but I imagine that he or she probably banged them out on the computer from the safety of their home . . . alone . . . in a semi-lit room . . . alone.  I felt a kindred spirit to the words and whoever the individual was who shared them.

“Clothes don’t make the man, the ability to stay at home for long periods of time watching Netflix makes the man.”  I am not sure that I agree with this one . . . I don’t watch much of anything (until college football kicks off, and then only the University of Nebraska) on television or my computer.  I agree that “clothes don’t make the man”, I am not much on dressing up . . . I am who I am no matter what I wear.  If I were to wear nice, fancy clothes . . . well, I’d still be an introvert who wears nice, fancy clothes that no one ever sees.  I do like staying at home for long periods of time . . .

“True love is never dropping in unexpected.”  I hate it whenever someone drops in to the homestead unexpectedly.  I am not prepared.  I haven’t take anything to dull the pain yet.  Makes me anxious.  Usually I stand at the door (screen door still closed) and talk to the invaders . . . usually small talk and “what do you want?” talk.  The wife, who is an extravert, stands behind me poking me to let them in . . . it is party time!  Not me . . . if you want to be my friend, do not drop by unexpectedly . . . call first . . . at least a week in advance.  Give me time to get ready for the invasion.

“You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him socialize with the other horses.”  Ask the wife . . . she will verify this one.  Ask the people I work with at the university . . . they will verify it too.  They all know that if there is somewhere to go with a lot of people I do not know . . . well, the bubbly, vivacious John they all know and love won’t be there.  He will be hiding in some corner hoping like hell that no one comes near him to start a conversation.  You might take me to the party, but I sure won’t be remembered as being the life of the party . . . odds are I won’t even be remembered.

I had to laugh at this one: “The only problem with seeing people you know is that they know you.”  People who know me . . . well, they can’t just say “hi” and move on . . . noooooooooooooooooo, they want to stop and speak.  Just what any introvert wants to do.  Now, I was raised to be cordial and greet people when I pass them . . . you know, things like “hi” or “how are you” . . . just being nice.  Why is it when I am being nice to people they think that it is an invitation to talk?  I am learning to walk with my head down . . . or, if I see someone I know before they see me, I cross to the other side of the street or duck into an alley.

“Misery loves company, so avoid people.”  I don’t know too many people who enjoy misery . . . and, it seems that whenever two or three people are gathered, someone spills the milk.  Misery ensues.  As an introvert it seems that it is best to just avoid people . . . avoid small talk, but mostly avoid people.  Which doesn’t really bother introverts because we know: “You can never be truly bored, so long as you have yourself for company.”  Hey, I am my own best friend . . . and, I like myself most of the time.  Life couldn’t get any better . . .

The reality, though, is that short of being a hermit, you cannot avoid people.  Seems that there are people everywhere a person goes . . . even in Montana!  This is a sad fact that we introverts have to accept . . . no matter how hard we attempt to avoid people, people are going to be a part of our lives.  We introverts have come to accept the fact that “No man is an island, unfortunately.”   Thus we introverts put a whole lot of stock in our instincts to weed out those people who we do not like . . . do not want to hang out with . . . and, it is a tedious and long process that takes a while . . . a long while.  It would be nice if we could like people from the first time that we meet them, but that is asking a lot.  As one of the quotes stated: “Liking a person on the first go is the closest thing there is to a miracle.”  As an introvert I have not experienced too many miracles when it came to liking people at the first meeting.

“In unity there is anxiety.”  Crowds make me anxious . . . can’t control them . . . they are unpredictable . . . and, they invade my space, trample on my privacy, lay waste to my little kingdom.  Now, I am all for one and one for all, but on my terms.  Because I don’t like crowds I do not enjoy going to the movies . . . movies are like going to the stockyard and being herded into the theater.  I want to “moo”.  So, I take the advice in the next quote: “When in doubt, don’t go out.”  The wife does not like this one . . . she’ll say, “Let’s go do something” . . . and I will stammer around for hours trying to avoid going out . . . there are lots of days when she just doesn’t even ask.

Of course, people want to know . . . what is that guy’s problem?  Is he a little off course?  Is he anti-social?  No! NO!  I am just an introvert.  As an introvert I get tired of explaining to people what that means . . . over and over again.  I get tired of trying to tell people that it is just a preference.  They don’t get it when I tell them: “It’s not hiding. I’m recharging my creative juices.”  Also, “Less time spent with others, means less time suffering through small talk.”  Small talk kind of cuts into the recharging of creative juices . . . sort of like someone dragging his or her finger nails down a chalk board.  I just don’t understand why people don’t understand it.

I loved this next one because I have often done this dance.  “Get in and get out.  Get in and get out.  Get in and get out.”  It is a dance introverts know well . . . I do it whenever I go to Wally World, the movie theater, restaurants, and any other place where people gather to be social.  It is the introvert’s two-step . . . we just need to put it to music and sell it.  Of course, no one else hears it but the introvert.

There were others, but these are the ones I resonated with the fastest . . . the ones that brought a smile to my face . . . the ones in which I wanted to proclaim, “Heck yes!”  If you are an introvert these quotes will probably resonate with you too.  If you are an extravert . . . well, good luck.  You won’t know what any of them mean; but, being the extravert that you are . . . ask an introvert and they’ll explain it to you.  That is if you can find an introvert.

You know who you are . . . keep quiet, avoid people, and remember, “The best things in life are silent.”