Misunderstood

As an introvert I have spent a lifetime being misunderstood.  I am not weird.

My sister gave me a hoodie several years ago with a simple phrase across the chest.  It said, “Eww, people”.  I love that sweatshirt.  During the pandemic I was part of a virtual meeting and not thinking, I was wearing that sweatshirt.  Working from home at that time, I didn’t realize what I was wearing.  My boss did and I got an earful following that meeting.  It was inappropriate and gave a misunderstood message to all the other attendees.  It was difficult to sit down the rest of the day.

 

I love that hoodie.  I do not “hate” people.  No, far from it.  I actually love the human race.  I made my living serving people as a pastor for over forty years.  I love people . . . but, if I had a choice, I would prefer being alone to being with people.  Introverts are that way.  Where extroverts get energized by people, introverts get drained.  As I said, I was a pastor for over forty years.  So was my wife.  When we got home from our respective congregations and worship on Sunday mornings, she wanted to fix a big dinner and talk.  I wanted to nap and be silent.

 

Don’t assume that just because I am an introvert and wear a hoodie with “Eww, people” emblazoned across the front that I am anti-people.  I am not.  I just like my people in small numbers (really small numbers) for short periods of time.  I am not anti-social.  I am an introvert.

 

Introverts enjoy silence and alone time.  This is something that extraverts don’t seem to understand.  It is estimated that two-thirds of the world’s population is extroverted.  This tendency towards silence and being alone is often viewed negatively by the more exuberant extroverts.  It is not . . . silence and being alone is where introverts thrive.  So, cut us some slack.  Forgive us if we don’t answer the doorbell or the first knock because you want to visit unexpectedly.  Remember you are coming unannounced to invade our sanctuary of solitude.  Warn us you are coming.  Give us time to prepare . . . or leave town.  Just don’t come knocking on our doors expecting to be greeted with open arms. 

 

Same with phones.  Introverts dislike phones because they too interrupt the solitude of our sanctuaries.  On the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory test that is used to determine personality type—including introversion/extroversion—one of the main questions is: When the phone rings do you: (A) answer it immediately, or (B) let it ring until someone else answers it.  I always hoped that someone else would answer it.  Now with cell phones the introvert can screen calls.  If it ain’t an emergency—leave a message.  Or text.  Phone calls require a lot of emotional energy for introverts.  For introverts phone calls are annoying.  Who wants to talk to an annoyed person—text and be safe.

 

Another annoyance for introverts comes in the area of communication.  Introverts can talk . . . can communicate despite what seems to be to the contrary.  Take note:

1.   Introverts don’t like small talk.  Conversations take time and energy.  Introverts prefer conversations that allow them to go deeper in relationships with other people.  Talk of the weather or the latest sports score is tedious, draining, and even annoying.  Introverts are tolerant folks and realize that small talk is a part of socialization.  That is probably why they don’t socialize too much.

2.   Interruptions.  If you are talking to an introvert, then let them speak.  Introverts typically think before they speak.  Give them time.  Try not to interrupt them.  Don’t fill in the silent pauses.  Don’t change the subject before they’ve had a chance to respond.  Extroverts don’t like silence, so they are constantly interrupting—DON’T!  Introverts can speak if given the chance.  I know it is hard for extroverts to be patient and do this, but they can do it.

One of the greatest misconceptions I confront in my life as an introvert is when it comes to “space”.   I value “my space” whether it is physical, psychological, or spiritual.  I need my “space”.  Extroverts do not understand this concept of “space” because the whole world is a playground for social interaction.  Introverts need their own “space” to recharge, regroup, and center themselves—alone.

I live in what I consider a spacious house—five bedrooms, living room, kitchen, laundry room, family room, and two bathrooms.  Plenty of room for my wife and me.  You would think that “space” would not be an issue with us.  But remember, my spouse is an extrovert.  The house is her domain and playground. Most of the house and its décor reflect her and her extroversion.  Plus, she is always where I am in the house wanting to talk and interact.  It is draining!

 

In John Prine’s song, Angel from Montgomery, he sings these lyrics:

 

How the hell can a person

Go to work in the morning

And come home in the evening

And have nothing to say?

 

Because they are introverts!

 

Fortunately, my wife understands, and I have been graced with a room of my own—a sanctuary.  It is not a “man cave”.  The family calls it my “office”.  It is lined with books, sentimental pictures on the walls, and my computer. And there is no television or radio.  There is Alexa, but she lost her voice long ago as she is always upstairs talking to my wife.  This is my sanctuary.  My place of peace.  My silent domain.  Often the family forgets that I’m even home because it is so quiet. But that is how I like it despite the music blaring. the television ranting, and people wanting to talk.  I am granted this gift because those who know me know that if John ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.  Even our dogs respect this.

 

The only place of sanctuary in the house is the bathroom.  Often, I can hide away in the quiet stillness of the bathroom to regroup and re-energize.  I go in, shut and lock the door, and take a seat.  Sometimes I read a book.  Sometimes I just sit and think.  Whatever the case, there is silence, and I am alone.  Of course, the bathroom also serves other purposes and can be in demand.  I have learned to respect a sudden knock on the door with the question, “Are you okay in there?”  Sure, give me five more minutes and life will be good.  I think the family thinks I am constipated.  I am not, I am an introvert.

 

And . . . that’s it.  I am not weird.  Not strange.  I am an introvert.  And, if you ask another introvert, they will tell you that I am quite normal.  I am misunderstood.  Two-thirds of the world looks at introverts as aliens invading their world . . . or being party poopers running away from the festivities.  But we introverts are normal . . . we just need our peace and quiet.  Give us that and you’d be surprised at how different we can be in a social context . . . as long it is it only a few people, doesn’t involve a lot of time, and we are given fair warning.  We can have as much fun as anyone else.  Trust me, I know.  I’ve done it a few times. I survived.  Everyone survived.  It’s been a couple of years, but I think I’m about ready to try again.  I am not weird, I am misunderstood.  I am an introvert.