Name Your Brew

“They sell courage of a sort in the taverns. And another sort, though not for sale, a man can find in the confessional. Try the alehouses and the churches, Hugh. In either a man can be quiet and think.”

(Ellis Peters)

“Beer is my coffee.”

(Moi)

I am not a coffee drinker.  The wife and seventy-five percent of our children are coffee drinkers . . . or what passes as coffee drinkers these days.  My parents were coffee drinkers . . . Maxwell Cup right out of the jar . . . not this chocolaty, frothy stuff with exotic sounding names.  They liked their coffee to be black and strong . . . no cream . . . no sugar . . . straight up.  I never could stand the smell of coffee . . . made my stomach queasy.  Nope, I am a tea drinker through and through.  Not those wimpy herbal teas . . . not those spicy and fruity teas (though I really like Wild Sweet Orange Tea by Tazo) . . . plain old, black leaf tea . . . Red Rose and Liptons . . . no condiments.  I like my tea straight.  I guess if a person is not going to drink coffee, he or she should drink tea . . . I am not a coffee drinker.

The other day, the oldest child and his mother started a conversation about coffee . . . actually it was about Starbucks . . . the commercialized flag ship of coffee shops.  Both of them were drooling and ranting and raving about how wonderful the coffee was at Starbucks . . . actually, at any good coffee shop that can produce the exotic drinks that they pass off as coffee today.  Now, I have gone into the aforementioned coffee shop with the wife before, but my heart practically stopped beating when they charged me nearly four dollars for a cup of tea . . . black tea, at that!  I know the price of a box of tea . . . Liptons or Red Rose . . . and, I know that for four bucks I could have made myself forty-eight cups of tea!  The wife told me to relax, I was paying for the experience and ambiance of the place.  I thought I was paying for a cup of tea!  It didn’t even faze the wife to spend six bucks for her coffee . . . four bucks for my tea . . . to sit in a crowded, stuffy place where people used a strange language to order their brews.  For a minute I was not sure if I was really in the biggest city in Montana.  Which brings me back to the conversation . . . the two of them just thought that the coffee and experience was the neatest thing since sliced bread.

In fact, as my wife says, coffee shops . . . in particular Starbucks and the coffee shop in Barnes and Noble . . . are one of her favorite places to unwind, relax, and spend some time with her self.  Most of the time she is with friends or family, it is rarely quiet, and nerve wracking in the introvert eyes of me. She likes to get her brew, sit back, do a crossword puzzle or read a book, think, and relax . . . a good way to end her day, she tells me.  I don’t get it.  In my mind I would think that it would be better to come home to the peace and quiet of home, brew a quick cup of coffee, and find true tranquility . . . but, the oldest and wife informed me I was wrong.

So, I was thinking about this as I was driving home from working at the university in the big city.  Coffee shops are the wife’s favorite places to sit back and have a brew . . . she can relax . . . talk to people . . . read a book . . . listen to music . . . cruise around on her smartphone.  It is a special place for her.  As I thought about that, it dawned on me . . . I have a special place like that too . . . a place where I get my favorite brew, sit back, enjoy some company, listen to some music, do a crossword (if I was really, really desperate for entertainment), cruise around on my smartphone, and even read a book if I wanted to.  The only difference is that my brew would not be coffee . . . it would be beer.  As I was moving down the highway, I thought to myself . . . there ain’t much difference between a brewery and a coffee shop in Montana . . . just depends upon what type of brew a person wants.

The wife doesn’t agree with me on this one.

So, I did a little research . . . coffee versus beer . . . coffee shops versus breweries . . . which are better for a person?  Here is a bit information for you . . . if you want to be creative, drink beer; if you want to be energetic, drink coffee.  Research shows that a couple of beers will make a person more creative . . . that the brain is less distracted by the world around it . . . that it is good for searching for an initial idea.  On the other hand, research shows that coffee is great at giving an individual quick energy . . . makes the person able to focus better . . . and, it makes one active.  This particular research stated that two would be perfect working together . . . the beer would create ideas that the coffee would give energy to achieve.  But, the research warned, moderation is the key to either one . . . neither one was good in over-abundance.

Other research had to do with telomeres—the end parts of DNA.  Apparently telomeres get shorter as a person ages, when they become too short, the cell dies.  Shorter telomeres are associated with poor health and an increased chance of premature death.  In this research it was found that caffeine was found to shorten telomeres, but that alcohol lengthened them.  In others words . . . beer lengthens a person’s life while coffee has a tendency to shorten it.  Beer topped coffee in this research.

Now, if you are actually seeking to relax, think, and spark the creative juices . . . beer is the brew to go with.  If you are seeking to be energetic, twitchy, and raring to go . . . coffee is the brew to drink.  If you are seeking longevity . . . beer.  If you are seeking an adventure and quick action . . . coffee.  Beer is served in breweries . . . coffee in coffee shops.  I get anxious in coffee shops . . . I feel out of my domain . . . out of place . . . I am uncomfortable . . . and, no one has ever yelled out my name in a coffee shop when I entered.  The brewery, on the hand, I feel more comfortable in, I feel I am among my people, and every so often someone actually knows my name.  A pint of beer is usually between three and four dollars . . . a cup of coffee between four and seven dollars . . . a cup of tea, four dollars.  I am no Einstein, but I think my genetic make-up would have me preferring the brewery and beer over the coffee shop and coffee.

I haven’t popped this theory on the wife yet.  As I said, she is a coffee drinker, I am a beer drinker.  She likes coffee shops, I like breweries.  She likes to spend money, I like to save money.  Either way, I have discovered that neither one of us really buys our coffee or beer . . . we rent it.  I do not think that we are going to agree on this topic of which brew and which place to have our favorite brew is best.  We disagree. As singer Dave Mason used to sing: “There ain’t no good guys, ain’t no bad guys.  There is only you and me and we disagree.”  On that I know the wife and I agree.  I can raise my stein to that!

What is your favorite brew?

Because . . .

I have never been a coffee drinker . . . ever!  I have never even tried it as I have never had an affinity for the smell of coffee . . . kind of turns me off.  But, after a recent article in the Billings Gazette I am seriously considering becoming a coffee drinker.  True, research has shown the benefits of being a moderate coffee drinker.  True, I would join most of the rest of the family in partaking of this black, smelly liquid as a kick-starter to the morning, and feel as if I belong.  And, true, there would be lots of affirmation from those around me that I was finally stepping up into manhood by getting rid of the tea bags and drinking a “manly” beverage.  But, those would be none of the reasons I would become a coffee drinker.  I would become a coffee drinker because . . .

. . . well, maybe you should read the article: http://billingsgazette.com/news/state-and-regional/montana/skimpy-outfits-at-helena-coffee-kiosk-generate-business-controversy/article_c7b64c4c-cc5e-5988-a774-22cf5c01fb8f.html.  When asked why they were starting a coffee kiosk where women in skimpy outfits sell coffee, the owners replied: “Because we knew it would make a lot of money.”  Apparently these owners know what sells as business has been great with cars lined up on the street wanting to get their daily java.  Ah, the joy of coffee!

Then, again, I wouldn’t know.  As I stated, I am not a coffee drinker . . . never have been.  I have always been a tea drinker . . . but I might be convinced to give it a try . . . or at least it might be something I might look into the next time I am in Helena. 

I know, I know!  What is really being sold here?  Is it coffee or something else . . . the allure of sex, maybe?  I guess that is something that each individual must decide for him or herself.  Right now, not having actually seen the kiosk, I am still out on what I think.  Others, of course, have expressed their opinions.  Some have been surprised to discover that when they order their coffee they are being served by women in lingerie . . . despite signage everywhere stating that it is a lingerie coffee shop . . . so, there have been a few embarrassed individuals.  Some have voiced their disapproval, suggesting that it is in poor taste (how do they know, they haven’t even tasted the coffee) and too close to a neighboring elementary school (according to the school there have been no complaint from parents).  The city has stated it has received a “mixed bag” of comments for and against the kiosk, but nothing directly—of course most were sent in on coffee stained napkins.  According to the city, the owners of the kiosk followed and are following all the laws necessary for their kiosk.  The city has no complaints.  As far as the city is concerned the owners are not breaking any laws in regards to selling coffee or sex. 

Since I don’t drink coffee, I really don’t care.  And, no, I am not going to start drinking coffee either.  I do applaud the owners for using their creativity in figuring out a way to increase business and make a little more money.  Coffee is a big industry . . . sex is a big industry . . . both make lots of money . . . and, together they make even more!  You got to hand it to the owners—they were thinking.  Good luck to them . . .

. . . good to them because I think it is going to be a tough business.  Montana is a fickle state, especially when it comes to the weather.  Here we are in May and we are still having snow . . . the temperatures are ten to fifteen degrees cooler than normal . . . and, I don’t imagine wearing lingerie when it is cold is a lot of fun.  I think the owners really only have a three to four month window to sell this gimmick of coffee and skin.  They had better hope business is good during those months because once the snow starts flying, I think the clothes start piling on.  Could hurt business.

The old saying is that you cannot make all the people happy all of the time . . . someone always has a complaint.  But, this is America . . . the land of opportunity . . . the land of consumerism.  Sex sells products.  If you don’t believe that, then watch the advertisements that grace our television sets . . . sex appeal works in selling products and goods.  I don’t hear a whole lot of complaining going on about that.  In the meantime, coffee sells are increasing . . . it seems that a little skin with one’s coffee is good business.  Now, if it were a tea shop . . . I might be enticed.  In the meantime, to those who like their coffee and need a little sex with it, enjoy the kiosk in Helena.  It sells. 

Laugh or Cry--The Weekly News

The news is always good for a few laughs on a slow day.  Today is a slow day.  This week's news does not disappoint . . .

Who says that coffee is addictive?  In Amsterdam the Dutch government is planning to privatize coffee shops for Dutch citizens only.  It seems that the government wants to save the "good stuff" for only the locals.  The "good stuff" isn't a double mocha chocolate latte with two shots--it is marijuana--pot--the wacky tobaccy!  The Dutch allow the legal selling of marijuana over the counter in coffee shops.  Can anyone say, "Killing two birds with one stone"?  I don't think that Folgers ever dreamed of this sort of coffee buzz.

Apparently this legalized practice has become popular among the tourists.  The Dutch Justice Ministry has stated that this interest has created a "nuisance and criminality associated with coffee shops and drug trafficking."  Opponents to this policy change have declared it "tourism suicide."  Opponents envision a growing black market if the law is kept as tourists--and locals--hit the streets for their coffee and pot.  "Coffee pot" sort of takes on new meaning--gotta have that morning pick me up!

The grumbling is intensifying over light bulbs here in the United States.  As of January 2012, the traditional 100-watt incandescent light bulb will be contraband.  According to the Wall Street Journal people are not happy about the switch--the new bulbs are more expensive, give skin a corpse-like pallor, and contain a trace amount of the toxic element mercury.  The real issue is freedom--not conservation or ecology--but the freedom to choose.  Most Americans prefer traditional light bulbs, which has created a rash of "civil disobedience" as folk stockpile the incandescent light bulbs.  The paper argues that if the new fluorescent are so superior, "why does the government have to force people to buy them?"

Also, we can quit blaming President Obama for this change in light bulb policy.  The guy actually has nothing to do with it--he's in the dark on this one.  The policy was signed into law in 2007 by President George W. Bush.  This is just another fine mess in Bush's legacy--we always knew he sat in the dark!

It seems the bright lights of the city are not as attractive and alluring as they used to be.  The New York Times reports that despite all the talk about people moving back to the big cities the reality is much different.  According to the Times more than 91 percent of population growth in U.S. metropolitan areas between 2000 and 2010 occurred in suburbs rather than in city cores.  Today more than 60 percent of Americans live in the suburbs.  That might explain the traffic congestion I experience on my commute from Joliet to the big city--suburban sprawl that creates a crawl!

A study by ScienceDaily.com proves once and for all that the color red is a "power" color.  The report claims that the color red makes us stronger and faster--at least momentarily.  The study conducted on students from elementary school through college showed that there was an improvement in muscular performance.  Also, humans are hardwired to pick up on red "as a danger cue," states the study's author Andrew Elliot--thus there is a mental toll.  Previous studies have shown that athletes facing a red-clad team tend to lose.  Now I know why my beloved University of Nebraska Cornhusker football team--affectionately known as "Big Red"--has been so successful and dominate.  All these years I thought it was because of the athletic superiority, hard physical training, excellent coaching, awesome training facilities, and teamwork . . . now I know that it wasn't any of that stuff . . . it is because people are scared of red!  Go Big Red!

On the political scene Americans speak out about politicians' morals--or lack of!  In a poll conducted by the Pew Research Center for the Washington Post, 57 percent of Americans say politicians get caught in sex scandals because they are under greater scrutiny than everyone else.  Another 19 percent say it's because politicians have "lower moral standards than ordinary Americans."  I kind of lean towards the 19 percent--we're talking politics here where morals seem to be the fine print that no one reads.  The other is just an excuse.

Lastly, the closet dilemma is solved!  Esty.com reports that in 1930 the average woman owned nine outfits.  Today, thanks primarily to the lower price of garments made abroad in low wage nations, women purchase more than 60 pieces of new clothing a year.  This is why the wife owns 75 percent of all the available closet space in the house--not just the bedroom!  I used to think that it was a figment of my imagination--this discrepancy in space--that my side of the closet was smaller and more cramped,but now I know it is true.  The wife tells me that possession is 9/10ths of the law!

Until next week's news I plan on sitting around in my bright red long-johns, next to my fluorescent light bulb, sipping my coffee pot, as I contemplate whether or not politicians even matter, moving to the suburbs, or just taking a nap.  Until next week--laugh.  Laugh because life is to short to waste on the news!