Even Introverts Gotta Play

My introversion kicked in today at work . . . I had had enough.  It was time to drop out.  I have been working non-stop for the past four weeks at both of my jobs . . . every single day for the past month . . . and, unfortunately, I still have another two weeks to go before I might get a whole day in which I am not doing one of my two jobs.  Both my jobs involve interacting and being present to PEOPLE.  People drain introverts . . . and, around 11:00AM this morning, I had had enough.  My body started to shut down.  My mind was becoming muddled and muddied.  I was tired . . . worn out . . . at the end of my rope.  So, I took the afternoon off . . . a small reprieve before finishing this marathon of extraversion that started a month ago and will end in another two weeks.

I realize that most of you who are extraverts won’t understand this, but that is one of the major differences between extraverts and introverts.  Extraverts are energized by people . . . introverts are drained.  It is not that we introverts dislike people, it is that we just prefer and need our alone time.  That is where we introverts get our energy . . . that is where we find our groove . . . that is where we find what we really love doing.  It is just the way we are wired.  Unfortunately, it has been a long, long time since I have had my “alone” time.

I was reminded of this in an article that appeared in the “lifestyle” section of MSN.com talking about 22 Fun Activities for Introverts.  I’m kind of a sucker when it comes to articles about introversion . . . especially when it is something that might be helpful; so, I read the article.  True to its title the article (by an introvert I am assuming) listed 22 activities that introverts would probably enjoy.  Of the 22 activities, I am solidly embedded into six of them: photography; writing; solitary outdoor activities (hiking, bird watching, etc.); reading; traveling alone; and, when I was more physically active—running.  These are six things that I enjoy doing alone . . . doing by myself.  Of the 22 suggested activities, I am involved in approximately 25 percent of them.  The others I had a little more difficulty with.

Now, keep in mind, these are activities to be done alone . . . by one’s self.  The 16 activities I do not do:

• ·      --Listening to podcasts.  I have listened to podcasts, but I have not made it a regular part of my “alone” . . . probably because I feel as if they are a lot like a telephone call or a one-sided conversation.  I have a good friend in Michigan who loves podcasts and is a BIG introvert.

• ·        Get artsy . . . draw, paint, and so forth.  The wife got all the artistic skills in the family . . . I mainly draw conclusions and paint myself into corners.  Not much “artsy” in my bones or DNA.

• ·        Learn to play a musical instrument . . . if it is not the “play” button to my Zune, it ain’t going to happen.  I have attempted to learn musical instruments in the past, but I have no sense of rhythm and a person has to have rhythm to play an instrument.  I admire those who can play instruments.

• ·        Cook or bake . . . I can do both . . . fairly well; but, cooking and baking is not something I find relaxing or entertaining . . . it is something I do out of necessity and survival.  If something happened to the wife, I will continue to exist on something more than cereal.

• ·        Create a YouTube channel . . . actually I have one.  I created it when I needed a place to place a few Carol King videos I recorded in Missoula in order to put them on my Facebook page.  This one intrigues me, and I have often contemplated actually doing this or podcasts . . . but, that is what we introverts do . . . we contemplate these things for a long, long time before jumping in with two feet.

• ·        Puzzles . . . do puzzles the writer suggested.  I am lousy at puzzles.  I remember the day I was really proud of myself when I finally completed a puzzle in about six months.  I was beside myself with pride at my accomplishment.  When the wife asked me what I was so happy about, I explained that I had finished the puzzle in less than six months . . . the box said three to six years.  She let me down softly.

• ·        Take an online class.  Not the way that I like to learn.

• ·        Learn to knit . . . as long as there are stores where I can buy my clothes, I will never ever learn to knit . . . I’d probably poke my eye out with one of those needles.

• ·        Play games . . . primarily video games.  Nope.  Not happening.  Not happening because I believe that if humans created the game, then humans should be able to kick the game's butt.  I got tired of getting my butt kicked.  The only game I play—by myself—is solitaire on the computer when I get really, really bored.  I have play it 1,365 times . . . I have won four percent of the time . . . this is why I do not play games.  I am a poor loser when I am playing by myself.

• ·        Garden . . . ha!  This has always been a “family” activity that becomes a “John” activity . . . I do the weeding, I do the cleaning . . . I do it all.  It is not pleasing . . . it is work.

• ·        Watch movies . . . I used to do this, but just haven’t been motivated to do it even though I probably have over 2,000 movies sitting in the closet from those years I spent the weekends away from the family with no cable TV.  Now, if I start to watch a movie, I catch myself sleeping before it even gets to the middle.  Has nothing to do with being an introvert . . . I am getting old.

• ·        Meditate . . . nope, not me.

• ·        Get handy and fix things . . . hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . again, not me.  I am better at breaking things than fixing them.

• ·        Volunteer with animals . . . I love animals, but I already have enough pets in my life . . . I’ll give my loving whenever I’m around dogs and cats, but I don’t want to spend my spare time taking care of other people’s pets.  I pick up enough poop in my own yard.

• ·        Learn a new language . . . shoot, I need to learn the one I speak.

• ·        Build models . . . seems a little ridiculous to spend time putting together a plastic model, sit it on a shelf and let it collect dust . . . then I have to dust . . . sounds like work.  Now, if it is to build models like Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Gisele Bundchen, or Heidi Klum . . . well, they can hang out on my shelves any time they want.  That is the type of modeling I admire . . . but, if two are involved is it really “alone” time?

I might get into the areas of podcasts and YouTube . . . not to listen and watch . . . but to put out there for others to listen and watch.  I guess I have to think about whether or not I have something to say or video worth other people’s time.  Plus, I do not find much rejuvenation in many of those activities . . . lots of work and frustration.  Now, the six things that I do . . . well, those are a whole other ball game.

Lately, photography is my number one choice.  I love taking pictures . . . lots of pictures.  You have to take lots of pictures to get a good picture.  I always tell folks that you have to take hundreds of pictures to get one good picture.  I take my camera most of the places I go when I am not working.  I believe in attempting to tell a story with pictures.  Right now my primary picture taking involves birds and my grandchildren.  I use Facebook as the place to share my photos . . . I also post my bird pictures at http://revjmk.tumblr.com/. 

Writing . . . well, you are reading my writing.  I also write a weekly column and newsletter for the congregation I serve . . . http://us2.campaign-archive1.com/?u=70af6bc8e224ee30770a5ebd5&id=713e91220e&e.  I also write a weekly sermon . . . http://homileticdump.blogspot.com/2015/11/take-away-stones-john-1132-45.html. And, I blog.  I think the writer got that one right.

I like to do outdoor activities.  I enjoy going on hikes . . . even with others even though I lag behind or get way out in front . . . but, I enjoy these by myself.  The problem is that the wife does not like me hiking by myself.  I enjoy critter creeping and taking trips by myself.  I just like these by myself.

Reading . . . I have always loved to read.  As a kid I was one of those who read under the covers with a flashlight.  Still love to read . . . read every night before I go to bed.  Reading leads to better writing.  There are tons of books lying around the house . . . I appreciate books.

I guess I appreciate articles written by those who think that they are helping out introverts.  The author of the MSN.com article assumed that he or she is helping us introverts out, but I think it is a little overwhelming the number of suggestions.  I will admit that I have dabbled in a few of them, but at my age I think I have found those areas that bring me the most satisfaction and energize me the most.  It really doesn’t matter because most introverts will figure it out on their own . . . after all, it is a personal, individual thing.  Again, something that extraverts don’t understand.

Which brings me back to the fact that I am even writing about this . . . as an introvert I needed to get off by myself, spend a little time alone, and play.  Play with words.  Play with ideas.  All by myself.  Even alone, we introverts know how to entertain ourselves.  We are not bored.  We are not lonely.  We are not shy.  We are not weird (though others might think we are).  No, we are just introverts.  Even introverts need time to play . . . even if it is playing by themselves.

Trust me . . . you will like us better if you just let us play by ourselves.  Everyone will be happy.  It is amazing how much better I feel . . . I really needed this time.

Special . . . Writer’s Block

“I don't believe in writers' block. Do doctors have 'doctors block?' Do plumbers have 'plumbers' block?’ No. We all have days when we don't feel like working, but why do writers turn that into something so damn special by giving it a faintly romantic name.”

(Larry Kahaner)

“Writer’s block: When your imaginary friends won’t talk to you.”

(Anonymous)

I like Larry Kahaner’s quote about “writer’s block”.  In his mind and words, there is no such thing as “writer’s block” . . . it is just a fancy romantic name that writers give when they just don’t feel like writing.  I appreciate the fact that he points out that other careers and professions do not have “blocks” that keep them from doing their work . . . and, I am thankful that they do not.  I am grateful that I have not gone to my doctor’s office when sick and been greeted by a nurse telling me that the doctor is out due to a “doctor’s block”.  As far as Kahaner, a professional writer and author, is concerned, “writer’s block” is just a fancy way of saying “I don’t feel like writing.”

I mention this because I have used the excuse for the past couple of months as my writing output has dropped significantly on my blog . . . only nine blogs in the last two months.  When I started blogging way back in April of 2011, my goal was to write ten blogs a month.  In the 46 months since I have started blogging I have average 9.5 blogs per month . . . I have written an average of four sermons per month in that time . . . and, I have written four newsletter columns per month.  In those 46 months I have written at least 17 pieces of writing.  Of course this does not count any of the other writing that I do for special services like holy day services, funerals and weddings, and community speaking engagements.  I would suspect that if I throw those into the equation, I write close to 20 pieces of writing a month since I started way back there in April of 2012.  Not quite a sign of “writer’s block” . . . but, ONLY nine pieces in the past two months on my blog . . . it feels like “writer’s block”!

I’d like to blame it on that romantic sounding idea of “writer’s block”, but the truth might be closer to “writer’s fatigue” . . . reality says that I have been pretty productive over the past 46 months putting out writing.  I do most of my writing for my blog in the evening after a long day at work . . . usually a two-hour period after supper and before going to bed.  Much of the time I have been dragging butt and not really wanting to wrack my brain for cute and clever or deep and riveting things to write . . . I just tired.  It is not a matter of not wanting to write . . . I am tired.  Yet, the truth of the matter is that I have written when I could barely keep my eyes open because I was so tired . . . no, it is not tiredness that has created my recent “writer’s block”.  The fact is . . . well, the fact is that I just haven’t had the inspiration to write . . . I haven’t had anything that piqued my interest in putting words onto the page.  Isn’t that the usual definition of “writer’s block”?

Maybe Anonymous has it right . . . my imaginary friend quit talking to me.  I miss my friend . . . my muse.  But, talk like that will get a person into trouble . . . get an appointment to be measured for a special white jacket with extra-long sleeves . . . or at least funny looks.  As an introvert I have never had need for imaginary friends because I find myself too darn interesting for my own good . . . I am my best friend.  I talk to myself all the time . . . just not out loud (except in the car when driving the commute back and forth from the big city for work—usually quite a profane conversation at that).  Nope, it is not the imaginary friend stonewalling me . . . it is not that sort of “writer’s block”.  Again, I just have not had the “ideas” . . . the topics or subjects have not been flowing freely.  One more time, isn’t that a part of what writers describe as being “writer’s block”?

I don’t know.

I have not had much difficulty cranking out a weekly sermon . . . and, some of them have been quite good in my opinion lately.  Nor have I had much difficulty in writing a weekly column for the church newsletter . . . those, well those are not quite at the inspirational level as the sermons . . .but, they are words on a page!  It just seems that I have hit a rut when it comes to the blog and posting something on it.  It has been nearly two weeks since I last posted!  It has got to be “writer’s block”!

It is not a matter of being lazy and not wanting to write.  I want to write, but I also want to have something to say.  Others have suggested that “writer’s block” is a matter of not wanting to be criticized by others for what is written.  I can assure you that I really do not care what others think . . . everyone has a right to his or her opinion.  There have been times that I have been criticized for what I have written, but it never stopped me from writing . . . after all, I am a middle-aged male who embraces the myth that the older I get the better I was . . . I am a legend in my own mind and nothing anyone else says about it really matters.  I write for myself and my children (My children who will get to sort through all of this crap when I die.).  Nah, this is not a “writer’s block” based on fear . . . I am too ignorant to be scared.

Author Charles Bukowski states: “Writing about a writer’s block is better than not writing at all.”  So . . . that is what I am doing.  I am writing about “writer’s block”.  All writers eventually do.  It is a rite of passage . . . a medal of honor . . . a kick-starter for getting back into the writer’s saddle.  Besides, writing is a discipline.  As a discipline it must be practiced, and for a writer that means writing.  Most of the writers I admire—like Ann LaMott—state that you have to write, write, and write even more.  It does not matter whether it is good or bad, you have to write . . . it is a discipline.  You write even it is something as mundane as “writer’s block”.  You write . . . good or bad.  That is probably why author/artist Dave Horowitz said: “To get over artist’s block, make shitty art.”  You will eventually get back into the groove.  Besides, if I had an imaginary friend, that is what my friend would tell me . . . write!

Despite my frustration with this period of “writer’s block”, I have not been complacent in doing nothing.  I have been reading a lot of books . . . to be a good writer one must read a lot of books.  Books provide starting points.  I have been silent . . . out of silence comes ideas.  Ideas are coming . . . slowly, but surely . . . ideas are coming.  I have started keeping a notebook for the ideas that have been popping into my mind and heart lately.  Again, these are the seeds for writing.  I have several ideas that are brewing in the rock garden I call my mind . . . there is the idea of carrying on the family name as we are expecting our first grandson from our youngest son and his wife in July . . . there is the continuing story of the oldest—the Prodigal—moving out of the house into an apartment . . . there is the prospect of our other son moving out in the next couple of months into his own apartment despite his disability . . . there are a few things I want to write about death as a friend has started a new blog focusing on death . . . and, there is always the wonderful nine months of the year they call “winter” in Montana . . . or, maybe even another post on “writer’s block”.

The inspiration is slowly trickling in.  Thank goodness I do not write for a living.  If I wrote for a living I doubt if I would have “writer’s block” . . . writer’s don’t have “writer’s block” because they have mortgages to pay . . . amazing what a little financial motivation does for “writer’s block”.  Whatever this has been . . . laziness . . . tiredness . . . fear . . . or lack of motivation . . . I can see the light at the end of the tunnel leading out of the darkness.  My only hope is that it is not an approaching train!  Getting smacked by a train would definitely create a bad case of “writer’s block”!  I feel my “second wind” coming . . . watch out world!  The irreverent Reverend is writing again!  Scary . . . isn’t it?

Okay, I Lied

Okay, I lied.

When I started writing as a blogger I told myself and others that it was just an outlet to share with the rest of the world my random thoughts, opinions, wishes, ideas, and dreams whether they wanted to read them or not . . . that was up to the rest of the world.  It was just a way for me to connect to the rest of the human race as an introvert, and that I really did not care whether or not anyone ever read anything that I wrote.  I told myself it was not for personal gain, monetary gain, or gain of any sort . . . it was for fun and as a means of letting off energy without having to come out of the introvert’s hiding place.  But . . . I lied.

Well, maybe not at first.  I think my original motives and intentions were exactly what I stated above, but somewhere along the line that changed.  I could probably blame Blogger for that shift as they provide daily statistics about every blog that they put out into the hyperspace of the Internet.  I started checking out my statistics . . . and, I fell into the trap.  I learned that most of the people who read my blog are from the United States, but that I have a strong following over in Asia and Australia.  I learned which of my blog posts were the most popular.  I learned a lot . . . especially how addicting knowing such figures can be in the life of any writer . . . extrovert or introvert.  I got hooked.  I wanted admiration.  I wanted followers.  I wanted fame.  I wanted shared.  I wanted it all!

Needless to say, fame is short-lived.  What is the old saying . . . fifteen minutes is all any of us gets?  Well, I am not sure I have ever gotten my fifteen minutes yet, and deep down within my introverted soul . . . I want my fifteen minutes and more!

So, I learned that there are tricks to the trade.  Most of the tricks I ignore, but one is to get hooked up with a “blog service”.  A “blog service” sort of a clearing house for bloggers where they can follow their favorite blogs and put theirs out there for others to see.  I joined bloglovin’.  Every day I receive an email from bloglovin’ sharing my favorite blogs . . . dropped right into my email box.  It is great having it all there in one place.  It also puts my blog onto a network in which others might discover me.  As thankful as I am for this service, the benefits—outside of having my favorite blogs in one place—have pretty much been zilch!  My numbers have not gone up.  Fame is fleeting!

Yet, I have hope.  Each week bloglovin’ shares with its subscribers its list of what they consider to be the “top picks” from the previous week.  Now at first I thought that this would be a list of some really in-depth, deep, and well-written blogs on relevant topics that help to shape the world and lives of those who are reading them.  Now, in my introvert mindset in which I am the ultimate writer, I thought that there was a snow ball’s chance in hell that I would show up on that list . . . that fame would be mine.  Yeah, I know, I might have a little ego problem, but I still held onto the hope.  Boy, how naïve of me!

After several months I have not appeared on the “top picks” list at bloglovin’ . . . not even close.  I have discovered the mindlessness of popularity in the world of blogs.  People are not looking for in-depth, mind-shaping, discussion imploring, or even well-written blogs (not that mind always hit those benchmarks—especially when it comes to the well-written part) . . . no, most people like fluff.  The “top picks” list on bloglovin’ is so soft they ought to package it and sell it for Charmin toilet paper.  Check out this list of the top picks from the previous week: 10 Smart Tips for Decorating on a Budget; A Seven-Step Guide to Heartbreak; Pink Swirl Meringues and Pomegranate Syrup; The 12 Most Romantic Cities in Europe; From Beginner to Advanced: 10 Steps to a Better Bedroom; In Vino Veritas; 20 Things You’ll Learn in Your 20s; 3 Ways to Make Your Clothes Smell Amazing; How to Travel the World for Free; and, DIY Bomber Jacket.

Now, I think of myself as being fairly astute and intelligent, but this list makes me wonder . . . am I an antiquated dinosaur?  Have I missed the boat on what is important in life?  First of all, decorating on a budget!  Surviving heartbreak!  A better bedroom!  What I will learn in my twenties!  How to make my clothes smell better!  A bomber jacket!  Well, I am well beyond the age of heartbreak . . . I primarily sleep in my bedroom and I would think that a comfortable bed would be the number one priority of a better bedroom . . . I figure if you wash your clothes they will smell better . . . and, a bomber jacket!  If this is what the majority of subscribers to bloglovin’ are reading and keeping tabs on . . . well, I am up the creek without a paddle.  I think the flame candle went out for me.

So, I had to admit to myself . . . I lied.  I lied to myself.  I lied to my readership.  I don’t like lying.  Lying is wrong.  And, for lying . . . I apologize.  I apologize to you—the reader—and to myself.  I do not want to be one of those who has to write for admiration and popularity.  Admiration and popularity pollutes the soul and skews what is written.  I need to go back to what my original intentions were . . . I write to write.  I write to write and if anyone feels the desire to read what I write, well, more power to them.  Maybe I will get another to stop and think for a moment . . . maybe illicit a smile or laugh . . . maybe shed a tear.  Nothing more.  Not fame.  Not wealth.  Nothing.

No matter who we are . . . extroverts or introverts . . . we all want to be acknowledge.  It helps to know that someone out there cares . . . even if it is some silly ol’ blog.  Fame is nice, but acknowledgement is better . . . besides I will never write fluff like the “best ten ways of raking the backyard when you own ten dogs”.  This is all you get . . . I don’t want to lie any more.  Fame left the room a long, long time ago.