Some guys have envy issues when it comes to parts of their bodies . . . I do not have any of those envy issues. Some people have envy issues when it comes to material goods, or the lack of material goods . . . I am pretty satisfied with everything I have when it comes to material goods and wealth. Some guys, especially those of us who are going bald, have hair envy . . . but, I have gotten used to the baldness I have had for many, many years . . . besides, when you don’t have a lot of hair, it is easy to take care of. Nope, I have none of the usual envies that other guys or people have . . . my envy comes from social media . . . in particular, Twitter.
Now, mind you, I did not even give Twitter much thought until this evening when I read an article proclaiming that the Pope—yeah, the guy in Rome—now has ten million followers of his Twitter account. The Pope is now among the “rock stars” of Twitter after starting his account less than a year ago. The man is shooting for the top as he has yet to even scratch the surface of the 1.2 billion Catholics around the world . . . I hear that he isn’t going to stop until he reaches number one!
The news of the Pope’s tweeting success kind of depressed me when I read it. I mean, I am a fellow clergy . . . I have an adoring congregation . . . I belong to a mainline denomination . . . I love God, God loves me . . . and, I have 35 followers while Pope Francis is celebrating his ten millionth follower! What am I doing wrong? What does a guy have to do to get a few more followers?
I mean, what does this guy have that I don’t have . . . besides ten million followers? Besides a congregation of 1.2 billion members? Besides a fancy jet to jet around the world in? Beside a snazzy car called the Pope Mobile? Besides looking good in white? Besides being able to talk in several languages? Besides being the conduit of God? Besides being in a long line of famous evangelist—supposedly handpicked by God—that goes all the way back to Peter? I mean, come on, the Pope and I both have about the same amount of hair, but he gets to wear a cap to hide his baldness . . . how did this guy get ten million followers in half the time that I got 35 followers since joining Twitter? Yeah, I have Twitter envy!
I guess I could try to get a call to a larger congregation, but there are not too many congregations . . . let alone denominations . . . with 1.2 billion members. I might have to convert over to the Catholic religion, but they are not too hot on married clergy . . . plus, the wife wouldn’t go for it anyways. Plus, I don’t think they let you wear blue jeans and hiking boots under all those fancy duds that the Pope wears. I also hear that the Pope has to swear to be a Notre Dame football fan upon rising to the papacy . . . I could never root for the Irish . . . nope, I am a Cornhusker through and through. I bleed red.
I could try jumping over to the prosperity ministry . . . preach about God wanting people to have everything and anything that they want because God loves them and wants them to have the best. The guys doing that seem to have the fancy jets and cars, but I don’t have enough hair or teeth to pull off that ministry while driving up to the church in my 2004 Ford Ranger pick-up truck. Besides, I don’t buy into that theology . . . God loves us, but God also loves us whether we are rich or poor. God likes to see us do a little work without laying out so much fertilizer upon the masses. Besides, I despise three-piece suits . . . especially since the mid-life spread.
I could bank on the fact that God also called me to the ministry . . . just as God called Pope Francis to the ministry. The only difference is that God wanted me in Montana at a small rural church, while God wanted Francis heading a mega-church called the Roman Catholic Church. I did not hear God ask me to move to Rome . . . Italy, that is. Maybe, Rome, Georgia . . . but not Rome, Italy. I don’t think I quite have the pedigree that the Pope has . . . as a minister my route to ordination and ministry is not as impressive as the Pope’s . . . I don’t think you can get to the Vatican through a small denominational seminary in Kentucky.
Yeah, I am jealous. My Twitter account is smaller than the Pope’s. I guess that must mean I have Twitter envy. But, I do have some satisfaction in knowing that the Pope is lagging behind the three big hitters on Twitter—Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga—who each have more than 40 million followers each. What do they have that I don’t have? Apparently, talent . . . money . . . rabid fans . . . and, a heck of a lot more followers than the Pope. I wonder if the Pope has Twitter envy?
I imagine that I will get over this phase of Twitter envy in my life. I never did start tweeting to be popular, basically to get my blog posts out to the rest of the world. I mean, really . . . I am an introvert . . . more followers means more intrusions into my world. That is an introvert’s nightmare, but it would be nice to eventually have as many followers as years I am old . . . about twenty more would do the trick for this year. In the meantime, I will keep glancing at my Twitter account . . . and, reminding myself that it is tough to beat someone who has all the clout and numbers that the Pope gets to play with. Come on, people . . . twenty new followers . . . and, I’ll be heaven!