I Just Can’t

 

Apparently, Americans are speaking less.  According to two researchers we are talking approximately 28% less than we did fifteen years ago.  We are using less words . . . 330 fewer words are spoken per day, roughly 120,000 less words spoken per year.  The researchers state, “It’s a substantial loss.”  This lack of speaking is a concern especially because the trend seems to be continuing annually. 

It seems that this lack of intercourse between folks is a determent to psychological and social well-being.  Talking contributes to our well-being and sense of belonging.  It eases anxiety.  Helps us to trust others.  Bottom that speaking or talking is a benefit and that this dwindling of intercourse is destroying society.  Logically the means of bucking this trend is to talk more to one another.  So, I am assuming we should all talk more.

 

I can’t . . . I just can’t.  There is no way I can talk more.  I just can’t.

 

It is not difficult to see how this decline in conversation has evolved over the years.  Technology has played a major role.  Smart phones with all their innovative means of connecting people have seen major movement towards texting and messaging apps especially among the young.  Texting seems the way to go for a lot of people.  There’s no real interaction.  I see this with my children.  They would rather text or message than have a real conversation.

 

Also, smart phones are a major distraction.  The average American spends four to five hours a day looking at their phone.  This is about 70 full days per year.  I’m fairly certain that little of that time is spend talking to other people.  Here is how it breaks down:

•      Gen Z averages 6.5 hours a day. 
•      Millennials roughly 4.5 hours a day.
•      Baby Boomers average 3 to 4 hours a day.
•     Teens, at least 20%, average 5 to 8 hours a day.

All are well over the recommended screen time of under two hours per day.  Research shows that people check their phones 58 times a day.  It is hard to converse when one’s nose and attention is focused on a cell phone screen.

Thanks to the Covid pandemic, there is the issue of social isolation.  Americans increasingly spend more time alone and are not as socially engaged.  This follows the trend of more people working remotely.  If you aren’t around people, you are not going to say much.  Technology has contributed by doing lots of tasks once done in person now done online.  Paying bills can be set up online. Retailers struggle as more shopping is done online.  Everything can be done online—who needs people?  That, which has made life more efficient has resulted in less verbal action.  Shoot!  With artificial intelligence (AI) there is no need for people at all. Your best friend can be AI.

 

This all adds up to less human-to-human interaction.  An average person has gone from 16,600 words per day to a measly 12,000 words per day.

 

Honestly, I do not see a problem.  Of course, I am an introvert.  I can do with fewer people and less verbal interaction.  I appreciate the peace and quiet.  Besides, people talk too much.  It was pointed out to me long ago that we should listen twice as much as we speak.  That is why God created humans with two ears and one mouth.  Where the researchers see a problem, I see a blessing.  For that reason, it is frustrating to be urged to take up the mantle and talk more.  I can’t do it.  It’s not in me.  I’m not built for it.

 

Now don’t get me wrong . . . I talk.  When I worked full-time, I spoke as necessitated and required by my employer.  I did my part though I doubt it was anywhere close to 12,000 to 16,600 words a day.  Same as the duties I performed for over 40 years as a pastor.  I spoke when the need came up or it was a part of the duties of ministry.  I can tell you that these verbal bouts wore me out by the end of the day.  By the time I got home in the evening I wanted peace and quiet. Which was okay.  In our marriage the wife is the verbal one.  She is an extrovert and never missed a conversation.  I estimate that she speaks 75% of the time we are together.  I just shake my head a lot.  Because I have two ears, I listen.  It works for us.

 

Socially I talk I greet people with “hello”, but never with “how you doing?”  “How you doing” opens a flood gate for an all-out dissertation.  I don’t have time for that.  I will speak when others speak to me.  That’s respect.  Because of that I tend not to be social.  I have been known to get “talkative” after a couple of beers.  Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes people chatty.  I’m not inclined to be chatty, and I always regret it the next day when I am.  For the most part to be talkative you need people.  I prefer my own company.  At least I know how the conversation is going to go.  My sister gave me a sweatshirt years ago that said, “Ewww . . . people!”  It is one of my favorite sweatshirts, but it rarely gets worn outside of the house.  People don’t always appreciate humor or sarcasm.  I know, truth hurts.

 

When researchers discover and complain that people don’t talk enough . . . that people are talking to each other less . . . I don’t see the problem.  As far as I am concerned, it is a nice problem to have.  It is quieter.  An introvert’s dream.  When those researchers suggest that people need to talk more . . . well, I get anxious.  Talk more?  That’s a big request.  I’d love to help, but I can’t.  That’s a big ask.  It would mean I would have to get out of my comfort zone.  I would have to actually be around people . . . that I would have to converse . . . to speak.  An introvert’s worse nightmare.  I will let others do the talking.  I am certain that there are plenty of folks out there who can pick up the mantle and speak up a storm.  It is an election year with plenty of talking to go around.  I am sure that these people can do it and make America great once again as “talkers”.  It just won’t be me . . . I just can’t.

 

(Blog based on article by Markham Heid, What We’re Losing by Talking Less, Time magazine, May 25, 2026.)

Misunderstood

As an introvert I have spent a lifetime being misunderstood.  I am not weird.

My sister gave me a hoodie several years ago with a simple phrase across the chest.  It said, “Eww, people”.  I love that sweatshirt.  During the pandemic I was part of a virtual meeting and not thinking, I was wearing that sweatshirt.  Working from home at that time, I didn’t realize what I was wearing.  My boss did and I got an earful following that meeting.  It was inappropriate and gave a misunderstood message to all the other attendees.  It was difficult to sit down the rest of the day.

 

I love that hoodie.  I do not “hate” people.  No, far from it.  I actually love the human race.  I made my living serving people as a pastor for over forty years.  I love people . . . but, if I had a choice, I would prefer being alone to being with people.  Introverts are that way.  Where extroverts get energized by people, introverts get drained.  As I said, I was a pastor for over forty years.  So was my wife.  When we got home from our respective congregations and worship on Sunday mornings, she wanted to fix a big dinner and talk.  I wanted to nap and be silent.

 

Don’t assume that just because I am an introvert and wear a hoodie with “Eww, people” emblazoned across the front that I am anti-people.  I am not.  I just like my people in small numbers (really small numbers) for short periods of time.  I am not anti-social.  I am an introvert.

 

Introverts enjoy silence and alone time.  This is something that extraverts don’t seem to understand.  It is estimated that two-thirds of the world’s population is extroverted.  This tendency towards silence and being alone is often viewed negatively by the more exuberant extroverts.  It is not . . . silence and being alone is where introverts thrive.  So, cut us some slack.  Forgive us if we don’t answer the doorbell or the first knock because you want to visit unexpectedly.  Remember you are coming unannounced to invade our sanctuary of solitude.  Warn us you are coming.  Give us time to prepare . . . or leave town.  Just don’t come knocking on our doors expecting to be greeted with open arms. 

 

Same with phones.  Introverts dislike phones because they too interrupt the solitude of our sanctuaries.  On the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory test that is used to determine personality type—including introversion/extroversion—one of the main questions is: When the phone rings do you: (A) answer it immediately, or (B) let it ring until someone else answers it.  I always hoped that someone else would answer it.  Now with cell phones the introvert can screen calls.  If it ain’t an emergency—leave a message.  Or text.  Phone calls require a lot of emotional energy for introverts.  For introverts phone calls are annoying.  Who wants to talk to an annoyed person—text and be safe.

 

Another annoyance for introverts comes in the area of communication.  Introverts can talk . . . can communicate despite what seems to be to the contrary.  Take note:

1.   Introverts don’t like small talk.  Conversations take time and energy.  Introverts prefer conversations that allow them to go deeper in relationships with other people.  Talk of the weather or the latest sports score is tedious, draining, and even annoying.  Introverts are tolerant folks and realize that small talk is a part of socialization.  That is probably why they don’t socialize too much.

2.   Interruptions.  If you are talking to an introvert, then let them speak.  Introverts typically think before they speak.  Give them time.  Try not to interrupt them.  Don’t fill in the silent pauses.  Don’t change the subject before they’ve had a chance to respond.  Extroverts don’t like silence, so they are constantly interrupting—DON’T!  Introverts can speak if given the chance.  I know it is hard for extroverts to be patient and do this, but they can do it.

One of the greatest misconceptions I confront in my life as an introvert is when it comes to “space”.   I value “my space” whether it is physical, psychological, or spiritual.  I need my “space”.  Extroverts do not understand this concept of “space” because the whole world is a playground for social interaction.  Introverts need their own “space” to recharge, regroup, and center themselves—alone.

I live in what I consider a spacious house—five bedrooms, living room, kitchen, laundry room, family room, and two bathrooms.  Plenty of room for my wife and me.  You would think that “space” would not be an issue with us.  But remember, my spouse is an extrovert.  The house is her domain and playground. Most of the house and its décor reflect her and her extroversion.  Plus, she is always where I am in the house wanting to talk and interact.  It is draining!

 

In John Prine’s song, Angel from Montgomery, he sings these lyrics:

 

How the hell can a person

Go to work in the morning

And come home in the evening

And have nothing to say?

 

Because they are introverts!

 

Fortunately, my wife understands, and I have been graced with a room of my own—a sanctuary.  It is not a “man cave”.  The family calls it my “office”.  It is lined with books, sentimental pictures on the walls, and my computer. And there is no television or radio.  There is Alexa, but she lost her voice long ago as she is always upstairs talking to my wife.  This is my sanctuary.  My place of peace.  My silent domain.  Often the family forgets that I’m even home because it is so quiet. But that is how I like it despite the music blaring. the television ranting, and people wanting to talk.  I am granted this gift because those who know me know that if John ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.  Even our dogs respect this.

 

The only place of sanctuary in the house is the bathroom.  Often, I can hide away in the quiet stillness of the bathroom to regroup and re-energize.  I go in, shut and lock the door, and take a seat.  Sometimes I read a book.  Sometimes I just sit and think.  Whatever the case, there is silence, and I am alone.  Of course, the bathroom also serves other purposes and can be in demand.  I have learned to respect a sudden knock on the door with the question, “Are you okay in there?”  Sure, give me five more minutes and life will be good.  I think the family thinks I am constipated.  I am not, I am an introvert.

 

And . . . that’s it.  I am not weird.  Not strange.  I am an introvert.  And, if you ask another introvert, they will tell you that I am quite normal.  I am misunderstood.  Two-thirds of the world looks at introverts as aliens invading their world . . . or being party poopers running away from the festivities.  But we introverts are normal . . . we just need our peace and quiet.  Give us that and you’d be surprised at how different we can be in a social context . . . as long it is it only a few people, doesn’t involve a lot of time, and we are given fair warning.  We can have as much fun as anyone else.  Trust me, I know.  I’ve done it a few times. I survived.  Everyone survived.  It’s been a couple of years, but I think I’m about ready to try again.  I am not weird, I am misunderstood.  I am an introvert.

 

Even Introverts Gotta Play

My introversion kicked in today at work . . . I had had enough.  It was time to drop out.  I have been working non-stop for the past four weeks at both of my jobs . . . every single day for the past month . . . and, unfortunately, I still have another two weeks to go before I might get a whole day in which I am not doing one of my two jobs.  Both my jobs involve interacting and being present to PEOPLE.  People drain introverts . . . and, around 11:00AM this morning, I had had enough.  My body started to shut down.  My mind was becoming muddled and muddied.  I was tired . . . worn out . . . at the end of my rope.  So, I took the afternoon off . . . a small reprieve before finishing this marathon of extraversion that started a month ago and will end in another two weeks.

I realize that most of you who are extraverts won’t understand this, but that is one of the major differences between extraverts and introverts.  Extraverts are energized by people . . . introverts are drained.  It is not that we introverts dislike people, it is that we just prefer and need our alone time.  That is where we introverts get our energy . . . that is where we find our groove . . . that is where we find what we really love doing.  It is just the way we are wired.  Unfortunately, it has been a long, long time since I have had my “alone” time.

I was reminded of this in an article that appeared in the “lifestyle” section of MSN.com talking about 22 Fun Activities for Introverts.  I’m kind of a sucker when it comes to articles about introversion . . . especially when it is something that might be helpful; so, I read the article.  True to its title the article (by an introvert I am assuming) listed 22 activities that introverts would probably enjoy.  Of the 22 activities, I am solidly embedded into six of them: photography; writing; solitary outdoor activities (hiking, bird watching, etc.); reading; traveling alone; and, when I was more physically active—running.  These are six things that I enjoy doing alone . . . doing by myself.  Of the 22 suggested activities, I am involved in approximately 25 percent of them.  The others I had a little more difficulty with.

Now, keep in mind, these are activities to be done alone . . . by one’s self.  The 16 activities I do not do:

• ·      --Listening to podcasts.  I have listened to podcasts, but I have not made it a regular part of my “alone” . . . probably because I feel as if they are a lot like a telephone call or a one-sided conversation.  I have a good friend in Michigan who loves podcasts and is a BIG introvert.

• ·        Get artsy . . . draw, paint, and so forth.  The wife got all the artistic skills in the family . . . I mainly draw conclusions and paint myself into corners.  Not much “artsy” in my bones or DNA.

• ·        Learn to play a musical instrument . . . if it is not the “play” button to my Zune, it ain’t going to happen.  I have attempted to learn musical instruments in the past, but I have no sense of rhythm and a person has to have rhythm to play an instrument.  I admire those who can play instruments.

• ·        Cook or bake . . . I can do both . . . fairly well; but, cooking and baking is not something I find relaxing or entertaining . . . it is something I do out of necessity and survival.  If something happened to the wife, I will continue to exist on something more than cereal.

• ·        Create a YouTube channel . . . actually I have one.  I created it when I needed a place to place a few Carol King videos I recorded in Missoula in order to put them on my Facebook page.  This one intrigues me, and I have often contemplated actually doing this or podcasts . . . but, that is what we introverts do . . . we contemplate these things for a long, long time before jumping in with two feet.

• ·        Puzzles . . . do puzzles the writer suggested.  I am lousy at puzzles.  I remember the day I was really proud of myself when I finally completed a puzzle in about six months.  I was beside myself with pride at my accomplishment.  When the wife asked me what I was so happy about, I explained that I had finished the puzzle in less than six months . . . the box said three to six years.  She let me down softly.

• ·        Take an online class.  Not the way that I like to learn.

• ·        Learn to knit . . . as long as there are stores where I can buy my clothes, I will never ever learn to knit . . . I’d probably poke my eye out with one of those needles.

• ·        Play games . . . primarily video games.  Nope.  Not happening.  Not happening because I believe that if humans created the game, then humans should be able to kick the game's butt.  I got tired of getting my butt kicked.  The only game I play—by myself—is solitaire on the computer when I get really, really bored.  I have play it 1,365 times . . . I have won four percent of the time . . . this is why I do not play games.  I am a poor loser when I am playing by myself.

• ·        Garden . . . ha!  This has always been a “family” activity that becomes a “John” activity . . . I do the weeding, I do the cleaning . . . I do it all.  It is not pleasing . . . it is work.

• ·        Watch movies . . . I used to do this, but just haven’t been motivated to do it even though I probably have over 2,000 movies sitting in the closet from those years I spent the weekends away from the family with no cable TV.  Now, if I start to watch a movie, I catch myself sleeping before it even gets to the middle.  Has nothing to do with being an introvert . . . I am getting old.

• ·        Meditate . . . nope, not me.

• ·        Get handy and fix things . . . hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . again, not me.  I am better at breaking things than fixing them.

• ·        Volunteer with animals . . . I love animals, but I already have enough pets in my life . . . I’ll give my loving whenever I’m around dogs and cats, but I don’t want to spend my spare time taking care of other people’s pets.  I pick up enough poop in my own yard.

• ·        Learn a new language . . . shoot, I need to learn the one I speak.

• ·        Build models . . . seems a little ridiculous to spend time putting together a plastic model, sit it on a shelf and let it collect dust . . . then I have to dust . . . sounds like work.  Now, if it is to build models like Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Gisele Bundchen, or Heidi Klum . . . well, they can hang out on my shelves any time they want.  That is the type of modeling I admire . . . but, if two are involved is it really “alone” time?

I might get into the areas of podcasts and YouTube . . . not to listen and watch . . . but to put out there for others to listen and watch.  I guess I have to think about whether or not I have something to say or video worth other people’s time.  Plus, I do not find much rejuvenation in many of those activities . . . lots of work and frustration.  Now, the six things that I do . . . well, those are a whole other ball game.

Lately, photography is my number one choice.  I love taking pictures . . . lots of pictures.  You have to take lots of pictures to get a good picture.  I always tell folks that you have to take hundreds of pictures to get one good picture.  I take my camera most of the places I go when I am not working.  I believe in attempting to tell a story with pictures.  Right now my primary picture taking involves birds and my grandchildren.  I use Facebook as the place to share my photos . . . I also post my bird pictures at http://revjmk.tumblr.com/. 

Writing . . . well, you are reading my writing.  I also write a weekly column and newsletter for the congregation I serve . . . http://us2.campaign-archive1.com/?u=70af6bc8e224ee30770a5ebd5&id=713e91220e&e.  I also write a weekly sermon . . . http://homileticdump.blogspot.com/2015/11/take-away-stones-john-1132-45.html. And, I blog.  I think the writer got that one right.

I like to do outdoor activities.  I enjoy going on hikes . . . even with others even though I lag behind or get way out in front . . . but, I enjoy these by myself.  The problem is that the wife does not like me hiking by myself.  I enjoy critter creeping and taking trips by myself.  I just like these by myself.

Reading . . . I have always loved to read.  As a kid I was one of those who read under the covers with a flashlight.  Still love to read . . . read every night before I go to bed.  Reading leads to better writing.  There are tons of books lying around the house . . . I appreciate books.

I guess I appreciate articles written by those who think that they are helping out introverts.  The author of the MSN.com article assumed that he or she is helping us introverts out, but I think it is a little overwhelming the number of suggestions.  I will admit that I have dabbled in a few of them, but at my age I think I have found those areas that bring me the most satisfaction and energize me the most.  It really doesn’t matter because most introverts will figure it out on their own . . . after all, it is a personal, individual thing.  Again, something that extraverts don’t understand.

Which brings me back to the fact that I am even writing about this . . . as an introvert I needed to get off by myself, spend a little time alone, and play.  Play with words.  Play with ideas.  All by myself.  Even alone, we introverts know how to entertain ourselves.  We are not bored.  We are not lonely.  We are not shy.  We are not weird (though others might think we are).  No, we are just introverts.  Even introverts need time to play . . . even if it is playing by themselves.

Trust me . . . you will like us better if you just let us play by ourselves.  Everyone will be happy.  It is amazing how much better I feel . . . I really needed this time.