Brain Farts

Pondering.

I sat there for a good twenty minutes pondering . . . racking the brain trying to recall the name of a bird species.  Though I knew, I could not remember its name.  Twenty minutes!

 

Crane?  No, sort of looks like one.  Egret?  No, sort of looks like one.  I just could not think of the name of the bird I was thinking of.  Frustrating!  It’s a bird I am always on the lookout whenever I go critter creeping.  For the life of me I could not think of the bird’s name.  It was like it was on the tip of my tongue refusing to reveal itself.

 

There are over 400 species of birds in Montana.  It is no big deal if a person cannot recall a bird’s name from time to time . . . my goodness!  There are over 400 avian species . . . 400!  But still, this is a fairly common bird in my avian vernacular. 

 

So . . . I pondered.

 

Then, while sitting in the throne room . . . it happened!  Out of nowhere it appeared.  The name . . . Heron, Great Blue Heron.  That was it!  That was the name of the bird I was thinking about.  It was such a sweet relief to remember.  With shaky confidence, I assured myself that I was not losing it . . . yet!

 

I’m at that age when a simple thing like remembering the name of a bird becomes a concern.  Especially today with all the social media and the attention it focuses on older adults and their health scares . . . I mean “concerns”.  Especially things like dementia and Alzheimer’s.  Memory or lack of seems to be a big issue when it comes concerns older adults.  Of which I am one.  My little episode sparked my concern, worry, and anxiety that I might be losing my mind . . . or at least my memory.

 

The symptoms of dementia are progressive.  They start out slowly and gradually get worse over time.  Things like experiencing memory difficulties.  Changes in the way one thinks.  Difficulty in completing common tasks.  Visual and spatial issues.  Decreased or poor judgment.  Withdrawal from activities.  Changes in mood and personality.  The advice is to see a doctor as soon as possible once these symptoms occur.

 

Being susceptible to the vast knowledge of information from the reliable and trustworthy Internet and social media . . . it’s no wonder the alarm my mind was blasting away when I couldn’t remember that the name of the bird was Heron.  Twenty minutes!  Surely, I was in the grasp of dementia or at least tiptoeing into it.  Honestly, I was more upset about being declared in the realm of dementia that I was about not being able to identify a bird.  After all, I am no spring chicken.  I am at that age when everyone is more concerned about my health than they are about me.  Sometimes it feels like I am a living (maybe dying) specimen under a microscope with family and friends. They tell me, “You’re at that age.”

 

For the record: I do not have dementia.  Though some might think struggling for twenty minutes for the name of a bird might constitute a issue of memory loss.  I assure you, it is not!  At least not in my case.  No, it was a “brain fart”.  A brain fart is “a temporary mental lapse, characterized by sudden forgetfulness, confusion, or a brief inability to think clearly.”  These lapses are normal.  They are everyday cognitive blips.  They are not signs of serious impairment.  It is not dementia.  It is a brain fart.

 

Lots of things can cause brain farts.  Stress and fatigue overloading the brain.  The “doorway effect” or the passing into a new environment causing the brain to do a cleanse and remove previous, unnecessary information making a person forget why they entered.  Of the drain drops into autopilot or routine failing to register changes.  The result?  Brain fart.  It is a temporary failure of the brain’s usual efficiency.

 

For a person closer to 70 than 50, my memory is good.  True, I’m lousy at putting names with faces and recalling names.  “Hey you!” works for me.  There are a lot of people I know as “Hey you!”  I have no difficulties solving problems or making plans.  I complete daily tasks though maybe not as fast as my wife would like.  I do not get confused with time or place except when it comes to Daylight Savings.  That always messes me for a couple of days.  No issue with my vision when it comes to visual images and spatial relationships. I have always seen the world cock-eyed.  I’ve always been what my mother called “graceful”.  It was her kind way and sarcastic way of calling me a klutz.  I’ll admit that there are times when I have frustration with speaking or writing . . . coming up with the “right” words, but I also have the Internet—a source of many words!  I don’t misplace things.  I lose my mind occasionally, but I usually find it.  I’ve never been one esteemed for my judgment, but it is fairly decent and reliable.  When it comes to withdrawal from social activities, come on!  I am an introvert!  Enough said.  When it comes to changes in moods and personality . . . hmmmmm . . . I think I’m normal, after all I am human.  Everyone knows how quirky humans can be.

 

On a scale of one to ten dementia symptoms, I probably score a one or one-and-a-half.

 

There you have it.  I am nowhere close to having dreaded dementia.  I’m just a brain farting old guy who might be a little off.  Others might say that I am demented, but I do not have dementia.  At least not today.  Just a brain fart . . . a simple mental lapse thanks to that damn Heron.  It happens.

 

By a Nose . . . Picking

I knew it!

For a long time, I had a sneaky suspicion but never could quite find the evidence I needed to confirm it.  Thanks to my old friend in Michigan, Clif, I stumbled upon the proof I was looking for.  Yesterday, on Facebook, my friend posted: “Get your finger out of your nose.  The internet doctor says it causes all kinds of problems up to and including dementia.”

 

Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Winner, winner, chicken dinner! 

 

Years ago, I wrote a blog about the number one thing that people do while driving . . . they pick their noses!  I bet you thought I was going to say that they sing, but singing was number two.  Number two by a long shot.  Studies have shown that two-thirds of Americans pick their noses while they drive.  That is a lot of nose-picking!

 

Also, over the years, I have written several blogs about driving in Montana.  Driving in Montana is basically an activity that one does at one’s own risk.  Montana ranks (number nine) as one of the most dangerous states to drive in.  Look it up.  I will admit that it is adventurous.  Part of it must do, in my estimation, with the fact that two-thirds of the drivers are picking their noses!  That is why they are so terrible as drivers.  They are losing their minds! 

 

Until now I could never prove it . . . but thanks to my Michigan friend . . . the proof is in the writing.  Nose-picking “causes all kinds of problems up to and including dementia.”

 

As my children were growing up, the wife and I would always get on them about picking their noses.  You know kids, they are always sticking their fingers up their noses.  I jokingly asked them (and now my grandchildren), if they were getting a little low on fluid . . . brain fluid, that is.  The implication was that their finger was like a dipstick for measuring the level of their brain fluid.  We’d tell them that it is unsanitary.  That it would make their nose bleed.  That was gross.  For the most part, they grew out of it . . . or at least that is what I thought.  Now I am not so sure.  After all, two-thirds of Americans pick their noses while driving.  That means some of my children are nosepickers when they drive.  I just don’t know which ones and none of them are up to confessing.

 

Never did I ever think to scare them to quit picking their noses by telling them that it could make them lose their minds.  Research says it is possible.  Research concluded that nose-picking introduces germs into the nasal cavity which trigger the brain to produce beta-amyloid—a sticky protein compound that accumulates in the brain—as a defense mechanism.  Beta-amyloid is believed to be a leading cause of progressive dementia that characterizes Alzheimer’s.  Check out the National Institutes of Health (NIH) research at this link.  Who would have thought!

 

Please understand that dementia and Alzheimer’s is a nasty, complicated, frustrating, sad medical condition that tears families and individuals up.  I know because I have family members who have been crippled by it.  No one would ever wish that on anyone else.  Sadly, it is a growing issue touching more and more people across the world.  And, as such a complicated medical dilemma, it is too simplistic to jump to the conclusion that nose-picking caused any person to ever fall into dementia or Alzheimer’s.  It would be disrespectful to all those affected by this medical issue.

 

Yet, at the same time, I am simple-minded—like most Americans.  In the simplistic renderings of my mind, seeking quick answers to questions . . . well, as I said earlier, this information confirmed that sneaky suspicion I had about all those crazy Montana drivers.

 

Think about it.

 

Two-thirds of all Americans pick their noses while driving.  That means that two-thirds of Montanans pick their noses while driving.

 

Picking one’s nose can lead to dementia and Alzheimer’s.  Both are the losing of one’s mind . . . a wasting away that impairs the ability to remember, think, or make decisions that interfere with doing everyday activities.  That would include driving.

 

Poof!  That proves my point of how I see the craziness of Montana drivers.  They are picking their noses!  Yes, I know . . . that is too simple.  But you must admit that it adds up . . . that it makes sense . . . that it explains a whole bunch.  At least that was what I came up with.  Being a good American, plus knowing I got all the information off the Internet (which we all know is the truth as it is the most reliable source of information) . . . I have run with it.

 

Now that the problem has been named . . . what are we going to do about it?

 

I think the state of Montana ought to offer up a couple of million dollars of the state’s taxpayers to start an anti-nose-picking campaign . . . at least get it off our highways!  Think of all the cool slogans that could be used:

 

“Don’t pick and drive!”

“Snot here!”

“Pickanosis is preventable—just don’t do it!”

“Nose mining prohibited.”

“The nose—a terrible thing to pick.”

“Pick flowers not your nose.”

“Solve the issue—grab a tissue.”

 

It could be a two-prong campaign (one for each nostril) . . . one for health, one for safe driving.  Killing two birds with one stone.  Compared to some of the other spending the state legislators have spent money on, I imagine quite a few Montanans would go for it.  Who doesn’t want safer roadways and health?  I know I would.

 

Another thing that we can do is to do our own part.  I know it will be tough, but we can do it.  We can all vow to stop picking our noses.  It may take one nostril at a time, but we can do it.  The difficulty will be in the fact that Montana is a great big state . . . it is 147,040 miles in size . . . it has 69,567 miles of roads . . . and nothing is close to each other.  Lots of road time, lots of time for nose-picking. Idle hands and boredom lead to picking!  Maybe the state can provide free nose plugs with each driver’s license. 

 

Whatever the case, we just need to stop picking our noses!  It could save a life . . . yours.  It sounds so simple, but then again . . . I am simple.