Love is Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

I will admit that I have a sappy, sentimental streak.  I sometimes tear up at movies and songs that touch my emotions.  I just can’t help it whenever those emotions well up and come spilling out.  As I get older it seems to affect me more often.  The difference now is that I am not so quick to blurt the excuse that “something got in my eyes” . . . no, the truth is “something touched my heart.”

In 1970 the big hot-to-trot romantic movie was Love Story starring Ryan O’Neal and Ali MacGraw.  A real tearjerker.  The movie was written by Eric Segal based on the book that he wrote with the same title.  Both the book and the movie were huge successes.  Outside of a huge crush on Ali MacGraw, the movie did not do much for me.  It was hokey . . . and I lost all respect for it when MacGraw blurted out to O’Neal, after an angry argument in which he apologizes, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” Actually, what was said was, “Love means not ever having to say you’re sorry.”

 

That is something a person in an abusive relationship believes.

 

The falsehood behind that statement is that this is how unconditional love is . . . a love that never goes away . . . despite hurtful mistakes, words, and actions.  This is hogwash.  “Society fills our heads with all sorts of nonsensical notions about how we should think, feel, and act,” writes Dr. David Luddon in an article for Psychology Today.  “The idea that love means never having to say you’re sorry is emotionally appealing.  Yet nothing could be further than the truth.”

 

I think politicians—especially during election years (and what year is not an election year)—have been falling back on this fallacy since 1970 when Love Story romantically proclaimed it.  “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.”  Politicians embrace it and roll it out whenever they hurt or insult the people.  They never apologize.  Why?  Because they love the people so much . . . unconditionally.  Why else would they ever be running for public office?  They love people and because they unconditionally love the people they are never going to admit they were wrong and hurtful.  Never going to apologize.  Never. It would be a “sign” of weakness.  No one wants a “weak” person leading our governments no matter at what level that government is.  

 

Which brings up Tim Sheehy.  Sheehy is the transplant millionaire campaigning to be one of Montana’s senators.  He is embracing this altruistic baloney while slinging mud and falsehoods across the campaign trail.  He seems to be an equal opportunity mudslinger leaving no stone or person unturned and untouched as he insults those, he is running against . . . and he does it because he loves Montana and the people who call it home.  He loves us . . . unconditionally.  So why should he apologize if he insults and hurts us?

 

Remember . . . “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.”

 

Hogwash!  Ask Montana’s indigenous population.  Ask the people of the Crow Nation.  Sheehy has been exposed for making racist and antiquated statements that stereotype Native Americans at several fundraising events over the past year.  Even sadder than the statements he made was the fact that those gathered laughed.  Janine Pease, a respected and admired elder and wisdom-keeper of the Crow Nation was rightly outraged by the statements he made.  Like other indigenous in Montana and across the country she demands an apology.  Read her post on her Facebook page.

 

Unfortunately, it is an apology that probably will never come . . . Tim Sheehy loves the Crow people too much to apologize.  He has got their best interests in mind.  Because of this unconditional love he is never going to apologize.  It would make him look weak.  Who wants a weak leader representing Montana in the Senate?

 

Typically, there are two reasons why a person cannot apologize . . . they don’t care and believe that it doesn’t matter.  Let us not fool ourselves into believing that Sheehy is an outlier.  He is not.  Most politicians are in the same boat.  They don’t care and cannot see or accept the impact of their words upon those they put down.  It has been a long time since they cared and half-hearted or half-assed apologized.  They don’t care and it does not matter.  Candidates running for office from the president on down to the local dog catcher are doing it.  They all smile and respond, “Who loves ya, baby?”

 

It breaks my heart.  Breaks by heart to realize how far we—"the people”—have fallen for this and allowed ourselves to be in such an abusive situation/relationship.  What Sheehy has done is wrong.  An apology is not good enough for the Crow Nation and other indigenous Montanans.  Saying “I’m sorry” is not good enough.  Reconciliation is necessary . . . a reconciliation that I believe will never happen, just as an apology will never be given.

 

We, the people of the United States of America, should demand more from those who are seeking to represent us.  Throw away the words of the politicians because those words ring hollow.  Instead demand that action take place.  Make the words congruent with actions.  Don’t tell us that you love us—show us.  Until then we—the American people—need to step out of this abusive relationship.  As it has been said before, “vote the bums out.”

 

I stand with my brothers and sisters of the Crow Nation . . . of the indigenous people of Montana and beyond . . . in their woundedness.  I feel their pain . . . their frustration . . . their anger.  This is not some remote incident.  It happens all the time.  Turn on your television, listen to your radios, read the papers, check out the social media . . . it is there in plain sight for all to see.  We must quit nervously laughing and being silent on such injustice and cruelty.  We are better than that and deserve better.  No, love is not never apologizing.  Love is holding those who have hurt us and others up to the standards of love—treating others as we would want to be treated, respect, acceptance, and inclusion.

 

“I’m sorry” is not good enough.  Nothing short of reconciliation is “true, unconditional love.”  That is something that brings a tear to my eyes every time.

 

Someday: In Plain Sight

We are creatures of habit.

My daily routine is to read the newspaper first thing in the morning.  This used to be done sitting at the kitchen table with a nice cup of hot tea.  Though those days are gone thanks to the continuing demise of “paper” newspapers, I still read the news first thing in the morning except now it is on my computer.  And, yes, I still have the cup of hot tea as I scan the news.  Though it is not the same . . . the feel and crinkling of paper at my fingertips . . . ink smears on my hands . . . all gone to the past, yet I get the news.

 

Last week as I was going through the pages I caught a glimpse of a photograph.  The photo was not associated with any article.  It was just there.  Newspapers often do this . . . throw in a picture . . . as a filler for the page.  Apparently, some editor thought this picture would fit that purpose.  Whatever the case, it caught my attention.  The picture was of a mannequin with a red dress sitting on top of a power box in a vacant lot in downtown Billings—a location I drive by several times a day going and coming from my work at the university.  The photo was the first time that I saw it.  Not once did I see it as I made my daily commute. 

 

The mannequin was sitting at one of the busiest intersections in Billings . . . yet, somehow, I missed it.  But it caught my attention while reading the newspaper.  The photo’s caption noted that “the mannequin, which was installed without explanation, was only displayed a short time.”  It went on to explain that the lot it was sitting on has been vacant since the demolition of Burger King and the US Bank with no plans for redevelopment publicly made at this time. That was it . . . no further explanation . . . no further exploration of its meaning . . . just good ol’ filler . . . something to take up space.

 

I expect more from journalists . . . expect them to use their minds . . . to do a little homework . . . to show even a little curiosity.  No explanation?  No explanation!  The editor must be new to Montana . . . new to Indian Country.  Come on . . . it is a “red dress”!  Since 2010, the “red dress” has been a powerful symbol within the indigenous nations of Canada and the United States.  Created by Metis artist Jaime Black the “red dress” is used to draw attention and create dialogue on the issue of missing or murdered indigenous women . . . to point to the gendered and racialized nature of violent crimes against Native women and to evoke a presence through the marking of absence.  Annually there is a day set aside to commemorate and bring attention to this important issue and is known as “REDress Day” across both countries.  It is an issue that is epidemic.

 

On an empty lot at the intersection of 27^th and 6^th Streets was a silent, yet powerful statement that escaped most people’s attention.

 

This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise . . . after all, such a topic or issue is not on the radar of most the population as the prominent race in the state of Montana is “white”.  The indigenous or Native American population is approximately seven percent in Montana.  It is not a “white” issue.  Despite being in plain sight, we are talking about an invisible population . . . one that is not often invited to the table.

 

But why argue with history . . . even though the history is wrong.  From the beginning there has only been one course of direction when it comes to the indigenous and that is to eliminate them.  History shows it.  Genocide is the method . . . even today . . . it is just more sophisticated and subtle.

 

Take for instance the recent scuttlebutt with the remarks of the Republican U.S. senate candidate Tim Sheehy about Native Americans.  Several recordings from speeches he gave at fundraisers last year are plaguing his campaign and getting him branded as a racist.  Statements that tribes and tribal leaders within and outside of Montana are demanding a public apology . . . one that has yet to come.

 

In one statement he is heard saying, “Great way to bond with all the Indians, to be out there while they’re drunk at 8A.M.”  In another he describes riding in the annual Crow Fair parade, “If you know a tough crowd, you want to go to the Crow rez.  They let you know whether they like you or not—there’s Coors Light cans flying by your head riding by.”  Hard to believe in the 21^st century, but here it is as reported by Billings KTVQ News.

 

Not the smartest thing to say and then have show up in a tight race that is only a few percentage points separating the two candidates!  With a difference of six percentage points between the two candidates and the indigenous population at nearly seven percent of the state’s population, I don’t think it serves Mr. Sheehy well to be insulting a base that could be the determining factor in the election.

 

Talk about a “red dress” statement!  Again, spoken in plain sight but slipping by most of the people.  Outside of the news stations, civil rights groups, and the tribes themselves there does not seem to be much credence being put into the situation by the average Montanan.  Instead, it seems to be greeted with a wink of the eye . . . a misinformed acknowledgement based on old stereotypes and racist beliefs.  But what would you expect . . . we are creatures of habit.

 

“Habit” is “a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior” . . . “an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary” . . . “a behavior pattern acquired by frequent repetition or physiologic exposure that shows itself in regularity or increased facility of performance” . . . a “manner of conducting oneself”.  Our habits inform the way that we see or not see the world and the people of the world around us.  We are used to it; thus we don’t flinch or even see a mannequin in a red dress on an empty lot.  We don’t squirm when racist stereotypes are flung around in our presence, or we laugh. That is our habit . . . we are used to it.  The world and the people of the world are invisible even though they are there in plain sight.  Or at least they are if they are not “one of us” . . . if they are not white.

 

I want to see.

 

I do not want to get caught in a mode of privilege because I was lucky enough to have white skin.  I do not want to think of myself as better than any other person—again, because of my skin color . . . or my education, economic level, physical ability, nationality, political party, gender, or anything that is a part of my identity.  I do not want to be a creature of habit that cannot see the world or the people around me for the wonderful, diverse, creative, unique gifts created by the Holy.  I do not want to be blind to the “holy” around me and the potential for what could be.

 

No, I want to open my eyes and see . . . open my ears and hear . . . open my heart and love.  I want to embrace life.  I want to acknowledge that which others do not or cannot see though it is in plain sight for all to see.  I do not want to be a creature of habit because that limits the world and the people who inhabit it . . . it places it in a box . . . it denies the “holy”.

 

I want to live . . . and I want others to join in.

 

In the movie American Beauty, one of the characters is a teenage loner who is viewed by the other characters as a misfit who doesn’t fit in or belong.  His name is Ricky.  In the movie there is a scene in which he is explaining how in awe of the world he is . . . a world that is there, but no one seems to see.  He says: “It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing, and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was just, dancing with me, like a little kid beggin’ me to play with it – for fifteen minutes. And that’s the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know that there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember – I need to remember. Sometimes, there’s so much beauty in the world – I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart is just going to cave in.” (See it here.)

 

Ricky also says: “It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will someday.”

 

I am tired of living in a world filled with anger and fear . . . and so are many others.  The beauty of the world . . . of others . . . of the Holy . . . is all around us, yet invisible because we our blind to our habits and fears.  It is there . . . in plain sight . . . waiting.  Waiting for us burst forth from our chains that bind us to the way that we have always done life . . . to break our habit.  As you Ricky says, “You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will someday.”

 

Someday . . . can’t you feel it?  Can’t you see it?  Someday.