Living Longer

Okay, M. Scott Peck stated in his book The Road Less Traveled that the root of all sin is laziness . . . that humans are always looking for the easy way out . . . looking for the ultimate loop hole.  He says that was the original sin of Adam and Eve, they took the easy way out to knowledge instead of waiting for God.  I am human.  Laziness is ingrained in to my genetic make-up.  And, I will admit that I have been searching for the easy way to live longer without dieting, exercising, and basically becoming a monk in some hermitage in the middle of nowhere.  If there is a way to add years to my life without doing the work . . . well, I am all for it.  So, you can imagine the expectations I had when I came across an article on the Internet proclaiming sixteen—not one or two, but sixteen ways to live longer.  I was ecstatic . . . there was hope without having to break a sweat or giving up steak!

With great expectation I read the article . . . now, I am not so sure . . .

The first suggestion right out of the gate was to enjoy more sex.  Sex boosts the immune system, reduces stress levels, and can even curb one’s appetite.  Now I am not going to argue with the experts, but . . . why is sex the answer to everything?  Should I run out and have sex every time I feel a cold coming on?  Should I have sex whenever I am feeling a little stressed?  A little hungry?  I guess there is a reason that Viagra is such a hot-selling drug . . . people would always being doing “it” because people are always getting sick . . . always feeling stress . . . and, hungry.

Adopt a dog.  Having a dog will make one more active and reduce the risk of heart disease . . . reduce stress and lower the risk of cardiovascular disease.  Well, I have two dogs . . . Dachshunds.  Dachshunds are not what I call the quietest dogs in the world as they bark constantly . . . make a lot of noise.  Someone told me it is because they have “little dog syndrome” . . . I think it is because they have big yappers.  I feel my blood pressure rise whenever they start to bark, which seems to be all of the time.  That can’t be good for the ol’ ticker.  Not sure this one is true.

Drink coffee.  Coffee can reduce the risk of diabetes, cardiovascular disease and Alzheimers.  I can’t stand coffee . . . never have been able to stand coffee, much less drink coffee.  I am a tea drinker.  I guess this one is not going to add years to my life either. 

Be positive . . . this was discovered to be one of the most common traits among centenarians.  Being easy going and having a positive attitude added years to one’s life.  Yeah, right!  And, I’m going to start drinking coffee tomorrow morning.  I don’t think my attitude is going to help me out too much here.

Run for five minutes each day . . . by doing this for five to ten minutes each day will reduce the risk of heart disease by 58 percent.  About the only running I do now-a-days is from the bedroom to the bathroom in the morning . . . comes with age.  I guess I could increase that if I ran downstairs to the other bathroom . . . that would include a staircase . . . or maybe running down the block to the gas station and using their bathroom.  It is a thought, but it tires me out just thinking about it.  Another article I read said that laughing a hundred times was like running for fifteen minutes . . . I’d rather laugh than run. 

Eating nuts.  Eating nuts several times per week reduces one’s mortality rate and lowers the risk of diabetes.  I love legumes . . . nuts of all types; but, as I have gotten older, my digestive system has begun to dislike nuts more and more often.  I pay for eating too many nuts . . . even if laughter helps the digestive system improve its ability to poop, nuts work faster in my body.  I guess I could laugh and eat nuts before the next colonoscopy . . . at least my system would be cleaned out.  I am not sure this will add years to my life . . . and, besides, what quality of life would it be if it was all spent in the bathroom!

The next suggestion . . . have a purpose . . . I might be able to do.  I have a purpose: I want to live longer.  I do not want to die.  It is as simple as that.  Towards that goal I will continue to search the world over for the easiest ways to live longer that do not involve diet or exercise.  Not bad, after eight suggestions I finally found one that will probably add about a week to my life.  I think I am on a roll.

Eat more fish . . . particularly salmon, tuna and mackerel . . . live more than two years longer on an average than those who didn’t.  As long as I can deep fat fry those boogers in oil I think I can choke them down with a side order of French fries and a couple of beers.  I guess I should kiss those extra two years good bye.

Floss every day . . . flossing removes oral bacteria which reduces inflammation which dentists believe to be linked to higher risk of heart attack and stroke.  I think this is some sort of conspiracy by the string industry to sell more string . . . I hear the string market has been down for a couple of decades.  Flossing is some sort of punishment that dentist came up with to torture people in-between visits to the dentist’s office.  I guess this will get easier with age . . . when the false teeth, the chompers come into play.  When I get my first set of dentures I promise that I will floss them every night before I go to bed . . . should be easier when I can hold them in my hands.

Smile more . . . duh!  Smiling hurts my face.  Enough said.

Drink more wine.  About a glass of wine a day lowers the risk of cardiovascular death more than avoiding alcohol altogether.  I can handle that . . . besides, if one glass is good, two have to be better.  I just wish the beer industry would get up with the times.  I like beer better.  Beer is cheaper.  Plus I can drink it straight out of the bottle, whereas when I swig out of the wine bottle the wife gets a little annoyed . . . and that takes years off of my life!

Stand more during the day.  Ha!  The mind says stand, but the body says lay.  Gravity usually wins this one.  This goes against nature.  Ain’t going to add any years standing, when you don’t ever stand.

Avoid fizzy drinks.  Apparently fizzy drinks have a negative effect on the body’s cells and actually are linked to aging.  No more pop . . . no more soda . . . but I draw the line on beer.  This doesn’t sound easy.  I want easy.  I want my beer and age together.  Oh well.

Catch more sleep.  Ha!  Remember those two Dachshunds?  They think breakfast is served at 4:30AM every morning.  They also think—now that it is getting colder—that my bed is their bed . . . and, they don’t share very well.  There is also nocturnal sounds that emanate throughout the bedroom every night that make sleeping difficult . . . both sides point their finger at each other.  Who knew Dachshunds snored!  I’d catch up on my sleep during the day, but my employer frowns on naps.  Sleep is not going to be the key to longer life for me.

I laughed at the next one . . . being social.  Darn it!  I am an introvert.  Introverts age twice as fast as extroverts when they have to be more social.  Shoot!  Just thinking about being more social made me lose a couple of years.  I guess if having more friends and being social will allow me to live longer . . . I ain’t going to make it!

Volunteer.  People who volunteer are believed to live longer.  If you ever saw what I make at my jobs you would probably already think that I volunteer enough.  I guess that is what happens when you work for the state . . . you volunteer a lot.  And, by living longer you can do it for even longer.  Seems like a Catch-22 plot to me.

Sixteen suggestions towards a longer life.  Only one suggestion even came close to adding time to my life . . . one thing . . . having a purpose!   That purpose is to live longer . . . to live longer without having to work at it through diet and exercise.  That is the American Dream . . . longevity without effort.  Yet, M. Scott Peck said that would also be the downfall.  There is no joy in Keenerville, the mighty John has struck out again.  I will probably never know what it feels like to be a 100 . . . or 90 . . . or even 70 . . . because I have not found that magical method of adding years to my life without putting forth any effort.  It is a pipe dream . . . a fart in the wind . . . that is never to be caught.  Yeah, I am lazy . . . but I am human . . . and, I am American.  An American with a purpose . . . to live longer with no effort.  I will continue to contemplate how I will accomplish this as I eat my Big Mac, double fries, fizzy drink, while frowning, and knocking back a couple of beers because the wine is too sweet.  At this rate I might die at a younger age than I actually am . . . what would M. Scott Peck say about that?  One can only dream.    

Personality and Longevity

MSN.com is a wealth of information.  Imagine my surprise when I read an article on the website stating that personality traits play a role in the longevity  of life in people . . . imagine the surprise when I realized . . . like, wow . . . that I have a personality!  It was a pretty enlightening evening.

Now, in all honesty, I do not worry about the longevity of my life.  I figure that when God is ready for me, God will take me . . . knowing me well, God is in no hurry for me to join the heavenly choir any time soon.  God has heard me sing . . . it ain’t pretty.  Yet, at the same time, like everyone else, articles like this do pique my imagination . . . who wouldn’t want to know whether or not there are a few more years added on in the long run?  Deep down . . . I do.

The article stated that there are ten ways that one’s personality can effect longevity.  First of all, a study was done on 500 healthy participants—age 95 to 112 years olds—that basically stated that the best indicator of longevity was not lifestyle predictors, but how long the people’s parents lived.  This group did nothing that was considered to be healthy . . . nothing that the doctors asked them to do . . . and, they were all between the age of 95 and 112!  Half of them were overweight or obese . . . 60 percent of the men and 30 percent of the women had smoked for many years . . . few exercised . . . and, only two percent were vegetarians.  Now this sounds like my group of people . . . I like these guys!

Floored by these results scientists began looking for other factors—outside of the longevity of parents—to determine factors in helping to predict how long one might live.  Personality traits seemed like a good place to start.  Through research—which means it must be right—the scientists determined that there are ten personality traits that can affect the length of one’s life.

So, let’s begin . . . conscientiousness is the first trait . . . orderliness, prudence, persistence and responsibility.  Hmmm . . . I am pretty conscientious . . . I guess I can add a few years onto my life.  Yet, on the other hand, my conscientiousness drives other people crazy . . . that could take a few years off of my life . . . they might kill me if I am not careful!

Extraversion . . . being an extravert . . . can add years to one’s life.  This one made me cringe . . . scratch those years off.  I am an introvert and if being a person who needs to thrive on being around other people . . . talking to other people . . . acting like I like other people . . . well, I’ll never make it to a hundred much less seventy!  Shoot, I’ll be lucky to make it to sixty.  Darn extraverts win at everything!

Optimism . . . seeing the bright lining in every cloud . . . expecting the best . . . always seeing the glass half full.  Being optimistic can add years onto one’s life because there is less stress.  Stress beats the body down, takes years off . . . I am closer to a pessimist than an optimist.  I sort of flip flop back and forth.  I think that I am becoming more of a realist . . . when I see a cloud now-a-days, in the middle of this heat sucking drought, I don’t care if it has a silver lining or not . . . I want rain!  Lately, around our part of Montana, that is like a snow ball not melting in hell . . .

Other-oriented volunteerism . . . helping others.  This could add four years to a person’s life.  I think that this is an extravert sort of thing because it involves people.  I’m an introvert . . . people are okay as long as I don’t have to deal with them . . . volunteering to help others means people.  Knock off another four years off of the longevity of my life!

How this next one made the list, I’ll never know or understand . . . marriage.  Those who have solid marriages . . . stable, healthy marriages . . . live longer.  I don’t think those doing this research have ever been married.  Marriage is not for the faint-hearted . . . not for the weak . . . it is tough work making a marriage work.  It is hard work . . . maybe, the hardest work anyone will ever do.  Plus, I have learned, over the years, that it is best to agree with one’s spouse if one wants to live to see the next day.  “Yes, dear” should be included in the marriage vows.  But, hey!  If research says that being in a marital relationship can add to one’s longevity . . . well, after thirty-plus years, I might be around a little longer than I think . . . as long as I remember, “Yes, dear.”

Being industrious . . . hard work . . . a demanding career . . . can add years to one’s life.  Well, with the constant changes to retirement plans . . . the Internal Revenue Service constantly adding years to the retirement requirements . . . and, my lousy pension plan, I should be working well into my seventies.  I guess that qualifies for being industrious . . . I’ll never get to retire!

Career success.  Duh!  Successful people get rewarded for their success . . . they get raises . . . they get bonuses . . . they live in fancy neighborhoods . . . they become wealthy.  I guess they have never worked for the church or the state . . . at this rate I will probably never add any years to my longevity of life.   Despite my great efforts, my accomplishments, and constantly being praised for my work . . . state mandated freezes on salary does not do much for boosting one’s longevity in life.

Being a little neurotic . . . research shows that it is good to worry a little, but it is not good to go to the deep end.  This sounds like a plot to me . . . I wonder what they are up too!

Openness to new experiences . . . I am in mid-life at 55 years of age . . . every day that I wake up and discover myself alive is a new experience.  I am open to anything . . . well, most anything . . . as long as it doesn’t mean that I have to change and try new things.

Having a positive perspective on getting older . . . outside of the times that my adult children run circles around me . . . outside of the time that my one-year old granddaughter runs circles around me . . . and, leave me gasping for breath . . . I never think much about getting older.  In all honesty, I wish I had all of this wisdom back when I was younger . . . life would have been a whole heck of a lot sweeter.  But, right now, I do not worry about getting older.  I don’t have time . . . there is life to live right now in the moment!

So, there you have it . . . ten personality traits that can affect one’s longevity of life.  Since I just found out that I have a personality, do you think God will add a few years to how long I live?  According to my calculations, I should have died last month . . .

Oh well, I am still here.  Ignorance is bliss, and I am one of the most blissful people you will ever meet!  Here is to life . . . no matter how long it might be.  May it be a blessing to us all!

I’m Gonna Lose That, Too

Dang!  We men can never win!  It seems that every time I turn around I learn more and more about the disadvantages of being a male.  Today I learned that I am probably going to die at an earlier age than a woman.  Being a man takes a few years off of one’s life expectancy.  At least that is according to the study shared today by MSN Healthy Living (http://healthyliving.msn.com/health-wellness/men/11-reasons-men-die-sooner-than-women#1).  It just seems like I cannot catch a break . . . if it is not my gender, it is my age that is going to kill me yet!

It seems that we men are more apt to dabble in crime, which seems to have a direct correlation of dying . . . from an altercation, homicide or other risky, unlawful venture.  Men just break the law more often than women, and this puts them at risk of dying.  Thank goodness, the worse that I have done so far is to remove the labels off the mattresses and pillows . . . of course, my wife did threaten to kill me if I ever did it again.  I see what they mean about breaking the law leading to a shorter life span.

Another reason why men live shorter lives than women is because they are bigger in body size . . . if a man is over six foot tall, well, he is at risk of dying earlier than his shorter counterparts.  Being tall doesn’t bide well for men unless they are some sort of superstar athlete raking in millions of dollars for playing games.  Again, I dodge the bullet on this one . . . by about an inch and a quarter.  And, to think, all those years I wished I was taller . . . who ever knew that I had a death wish!

Biologically we men are more susceptible to disease.  This one starts even before we are born . . . we just develop at a slower pace (my wife would argue whether we develop at all) than women when it comes to our biological and neurological make up.  We just seem to catch all of the good diseases a lot easier than women.  The result?  We die. 

Because we are male we lack the high levels of estrogen that women have.  This higher level of estrogen protects women from heart disease ten to fifteen years longer than men.  Add to the mix that most of us men eat lousy diets, probably drink too much, and find our greatest exercise being the fact that we can jump to conclusions . . . we are dead meat!

Women trump men in the chromosome department too.  It seems that it is better to have two X chromosomes than it is to have a combination of X and Y chromosomes.  Guess which one we men have?  Nope, the XY combination.  Once again, we men come up short . . . the women have the insurance of the extra X chromosome to cover for any problems that arise on the X chromosome . . . like typical women the two chromosomes work together to keep them healthier.  We men . . . oh well, work together?  Yeah, I can hear them pounding the nails in the coffin already.

We men like to eat, drink, and indulge in other riskier lifestyle habits that contribute to our faster demise.  All of these riskier lifestyle habits have a tendency  to increase blood pressure and heart disease risk, which apparently make us dies sooner than women.  Research shows that the gap between men and women in this area is lessening . . . seems the women are picking up the bad habits of men . . . WAIT!  The wife informed me that it is the other way around, men are cleaning up their habits.  I want to know who these men are . . . they are giving the rest of us men a bad reputation.

Men have lousier immune systems . . . women have better immune systems, better biological clocks.  Geez, we men just cannot seem to catch a break!

We men are lousy caregivers . . . which is not a traditional role for men.  Add to that the fact that we are not great at contributing to doing household tasks, and we are cutting our lives short.  Again, men come up short in this department.  It is just how God doled things out . . . men got the short end of the stick on this one too.

Men like to eat . . . we have a higher metabolic rate than our female counterparts . . . more muscle mass, too.  We burn the calories at a faster rate than women.  We finally win a category and still lose.  It seems that having a fast metabolic rate is like driving a car at 90 miles per hour versus 40 miles per hour . . . we run out of gas quicker.  Our trip is shorter than a woman’s.  We all know that speed kills.

High risk occupations . . . we men work riskier jobs.  Riskier jobs means that we have more chances to die from the work that we do.  I breathed a sigh of relief on this one because I work in the ministry . . . congregations have a greater chance of dying from a boring sermon, than a minister has of dying because of the work he (or she) does in the church.  Yet, at the same time, I have had a few death threats while serving a congregation . . . those women’s groups are tough!

Last, but probably the least, is the fact that we men have weaker social connections in our lives.  It is probably the fact that we men suffer from the Wayne-Eastwood Syndrome . . . as in John Wayne and Clint Eastwood.  We are loners . . . independent types . . . pull yourself up by your bootstrap types . . . never ask for help sort of guys.  Apparently this is not good . . . we men need more and stronger relationships in our lives in order to live longer.  Man, that puts a lot of stress on us men . . . especially those of us who happen to be introverts.  More relationships . . . sounds anti-American if you ask me.

Thanks to these reasons we men are getting our butts kicked by the supposedly weaker and fairer sex when it comes to longevity.  First of all, God did not build us like women . . . probably because women deserve a break for putting up with us men.  A couple of extra years of life seems to be a reward for putting up with us guys.  Second of all, guys will be guys.  We will continue to do stupid things . . . eat too much, drink too much, take more risks, work risky jobs, and say stupid things to our wives like, “Yes, dear, that dress makes you look skinnier”  . . . We cannot help it if we got the short end of the stick when we were born!  It seems to me that we lost this race before it even started.  Makes me wonder whether or not all of those feminist theological who call God a “she” might be on to something . . . is God really a woman?  You might think so . . . these eleven reasons seem to give credence to that idea . . .

Yet, I noticed, that they left off one of the reasons for the shortness of life for men . . . women.  I am sure none of the women out there reading this would agree, but you men know what I am talking about.  Enough said.

All I know for certain is that I need to quit reading these sort of articles . . . they are shortening my life.  At this rate I should have been dead last week!  Well, how about that!  I am already ahead!