I’m Gonna Lose That, Too

Dang!  We men can never win!  It seems that every time I turn around I learn more and more about the disadvantages of being a male.  Today I learned that I am probably going to die at an earlier age than a woman.  Being a man takes a few years off of one’s life expectancy.  At least that is according to the study shared today by MSN Healthy Living (http://healthyliving.msn.com/health-wellness/men/11-reasons-men-die-sooner-than-women#1).  It just seems like I cannot catch a break . . . if it is not my gender, it is my age that is going to kill me yet!

It seems that we men are more apt to dabble in crime, which seems to have a direct correlation of dying . . . from an altercation, homicide or other risky, unlawful venture.  Men just break the law more often than women, and this puts them at risk of dying.  Thank goodness, the worse that I have done so far is to remove the labels off the mattresses and pillows . . . of course, my wife did threaten to kill me if I ever did it again.  I see what they mean about breaking the law leading to a shorter life span.

Another reason why men live shorter lives than women is because they are bigger in body size . . . if a man is over six foot tall, well, he is at risk of dying earlier than his shorter counterparts.  Being tall doesn’t bide well for men unless they are some sort of superstar athlete raking in millions of dollars for playing games.  Again, I dodge the bullet on this one . . . by about an inch and a quarter.  And, to think, all those years I wished I was taller . . . who ever knew that I had a death wish!

Biologically we men are more susceptible to disease.  This one starts even before we are born . . . we just develop at a slower pace (my wife would argue whether we develop at all) than women when it comes to our biological and neurological make up.  We just seem to catch all of the good diseases a lot easier than women.  The result?  We die. 

Because we are male we lack the high levels of estrogen that women have.  This higher level of estrogen protects women from heart disease ten to fifteen years longer than men.  Add to the mix that most of us men eat lousy diets, probably drink too much, and find our greatest exercise being the fact that we can jump to conclusions . . . we are dead meat!

Women trump men in the chromosome department too.  It seems that it is better to have two X chromosomes than it is to have a combination of X and Y chromosomes.  Guess which one we men have?  Nope, the XY combination.  Once again, we men come up short . . . the women have the insurance of the extra X chromosome to cover for any problems that arise on the X chromosome . . . like typical women the two chromosomes work together to keep them healthier.  We men . . . oh well, work together?  Yeah, I can hear them pounding the nails in the coffin already.

We men like to eat, drink, and indulge in other riskier lifestyle habits that contribute to our faster demise.  All of these riskier lifestyle habits have a tendency  to increase blood pressure and heart disease risk, which apparently make us dies sooner than women.  Research shows that the gap between men and women in this area is lessening . . . seems the women are picking up the bad habits of men . . . WAIT!  The wife informed me that it is the other way around, men are cleaning up their habits.  I want to know who these men are . . . they are giving the rest of us men a bad reputation.

Men have lousier immune systems . . . women have better immune systems, better biological clocks.  Geez, we men just cannot seem to catch a break!

We men are lousy caregivers . . . which is not a traditional role for men.  Add to that the fact that we are not great at contributing to doing household tasks, and we are cutting our lives short.  Again, men come up short in this department.  It is just how God doled things out . . . men got the short end of the stick on this one too.

Men like to eat . . . we have a higher metabolic rate than our female counterparts . . . more muscle mass, too.  We burn the calories at a faster rate than women.  We finally win a category and still lose.  It seems that having a fast metabolic rate is like driving a car at 90 miles per hour versus 40 miles per hour . . . we run out of gas quicker.  Our trip is shorter than a woman’s.  We all know that speed kills.

High risk occupations . . . we men work riskier jobs.  Riskier jobs means that we have more chances to die from the work that we do.  I breathed a sigh of relief on this one because I work in the ministry . . . congregations have a greater chance of dying from a boring sermon, than a minister has of dying because of the work he (or she) does in the church.  Yet, at the same time, I have had a few death threats while serving a congregation . . . those women’s groups are tough!

Last, but probably the least, is the fact that we men have weaker social connections in our lives.  It is probably the fact that we men suffer from the Wayne-Eastwood Syndrome . . . as in John Wayne and Clint Eastwood.  We are loners . . . independent types . . . pull yourself up by your bootstrap types . . . never ask for help sort of guys.  Apparently this is not good . . . we men need more and stronger relationships in our lives in order to live longer.  Man, that puts a lot of stress on us men . . . especially those of us who happen to be introverts.  More relationships . . . sounds anti-American if you ask me.

Thanks to these reasons we men are getting our butts kicked by the supposedly weaker and fairer sex when it comes to longevity.  First of all, God did not build us like women . . . probably because women deserve a break for putting up with us men.  A couple of extra years of life seems to be a reward for putting up with us guys.  Second of all, guys will be guys.  We will continue to do stupid things . . . eat too much, drink too much, take more risks, work risky jobs, and say stupid things to our wives like, “Yes, dear, that dress makes you look skinnier”  . . . We cannot help it if we got the short end of the stick when we were born!  It seems to me that we lost this race before it even started.  Makes me wonder whether or not all of those feminist theological who call God a “she” might be on to something . . . is God really a woman?  You might think so . . . these eleven reasons seem to give credence to that idea . . .

Yet, I noticed, that they left off one of the reasons for the shortness of life for men . . . women.  I am sure none of the women out there reading this would agree, but you men know what I am talking about.  Enough said.

All I know for certain is that I need to quit reading these sort of articles . . . they are shortening my life.  At this rate I should have been dead last week!  Well, how about that!  I am already ahead!