I Knew It!

I knew it!  I knew it!  I knew it!

What did I know?  I knew that people could not be stupid without a reason . . . that there had to be a reason for there being so many stupid people in the world . . . and, I was right.  According to American scientists they may have found a virus that attacks human DNA which renders those infected by it to be less intelligent, having impaired brain activity, learning and memory.  There is now an excuse for stupid people and it is the “stupid virus”!  I always knew that people just could not be stupid on their own.  Now there is evidence . . . and, an excuse.

Researchers from John Hopkins School of Medicine and the University of Nebraska have identified traces of algal virus—known as ATCV-1—in throat swabs drawn from healthy volunteers which seem to lessen their mental capacity.  Approximately 44 percent of the volunteers were infected with the virus.    According to the study, those infected with the virus performed worse on tests.  What the researchers discovered is that those infected by the virus had lower attention spans, decreased spatial awareness, and a “statistically significant decrease in the performance on cognitive assessments of visual processing and visual motor speed.”  In other words, the virus made the infected stupid. 

Not wanting to confine their findings on purely humans the researchers decided to test it out on mice.  The researchers injected the virus into the mouths of mice and put them through a series of lab tests.  The result showed that the mice became stupid . . . the infected mice took ten percent longer to find their way out of mazes and spent twenty percent less time exploring new objects . . . just like it did on the human subjects.  According to the study, the virus seemed to impair the “learning, memory formation, and immune response to viral exposure” in the mice.  It was nice to know that the researchers were able to replicate their findings in mice to prove that their original study proved that there is an excuse for stupidity.  Seems a little backassward to me . . . almost stupid . . . I wonder if they tested themselves for the virus?

I have been waiting for this for a long, long time . . . an excuse for stupidity.  That time when I stepped on the yard rake to see whether or not it would smack in the face—and, it did . . . it wasn’t stupidity, it was a virus making me stupid.  That time I wanted to see whether or not my tongue would stick to the flag pole on a sub-freezing day in the fifth grade . . . yep, a virus making me stupid.  That time I sat on the park bench with the “wet paint” sign because I thought it was a joke . . . yep, a virus.  That time when I was in Wyoming on vacation during college with a bunch of friends and they told me to ask the cowboy if it was true that in Wyoming “men are men and sheep are scared” . . . got me stuffed into a trash can . . . yep, virus. 

Man, I could have used this when I was a kid and my father would ask me, “Are you stupid?”  I could have replied, “Nope, it is a virus!”  When a principal wanted to know why I threw the snowball in the hallway between classes . . . “Are you stupid?”  Nope, just a virus.  It is just a virus that drops my IQ by ten percent . . . that makes it difficult to think . . . difficult to remember . . . difficult to compete with mice in a maze run.  It is not stupidity . . . it is an algal virus known as ATCV-1.  Researchers at John Hopkins School of Medicine and the University of Nebraska . . . two of the most prestigious research universities in the world . . . proved it.  Everyone knows that the “N” on the University of Nebraska football team’s helmets stands for “’nowledge”.  I’m not stupid . . . I’m viral challenged.

Knowing this now, I think the federal government should screen for stupidity . . . I mean, ATCV-1 . . . at birth.  To make it a requirement so that people know from the beginning as to why they are stupid.  I also think that if it is truly a virus that is making people stupid, then there also has to be a cure.  It seems to me that there is a shot for just about every virus out there, so why not one for ATCV-1?  We could hold annual telethons to rid the United States—shoot, the world—of stupidity.  We could hold it every April 1^st . . . raise millions to stomp out stupidity.  We could get someone like Jim Carrey to be the celebrity host . . . or any number of rappers out there . . . or maybe the latest and hottest politician.  We could rid the world of stupidity.

Wouldn’t it be great.  Then again, this whole thing sounds stupid to me.  Must be the virus talking.  Stupid is as stupid does . . . at least now I have an excuse.