T.M.I.

T.M.I. stands for “too much information”.  This means sharing more than one needs to or that others want to know.  When is information too much?  Recently Miss Manners, an advice column carried in many newspapers, received a letter asking just that . . . when it too much information?  In particular the writer wanted to know whether or not his/her question or pronouncement of needing to use the restroom was more information than the other guests needed to know.  I guess inquiring minds want to know!

Miss Manners responded: "You may be surprised to hear that not everyone is as charmed by bathroom announcements as you seem to be. It is true that asking its location is preferable to running around opening doors, but after that, one need only say, ‘Excuse me.’ Miss Manners assures you that everyone knows why you need to be excused."

Well, excuse me!  I rather blurt it out than pee my pants!  When Mother Nature calls, that is one call I answer.  Is that too much information?

I guess some of us have been blessed with a filter that helps us to determine whether or not our statements are too much information.  I was not one of them.  I was always taught that honesty was the best policy, but apparently most folks don’t appreciate honesty.  They really don’t care whether or not I have to pee.  Ha!  They might after I soak their carpet!

At our house I refer to the bathroom as the library.  Why the library?  Well, because some of the best magazines and reading take place in the bathroom.  Got to do something while killing the time.  What I have discovered is that lots of people do not know what I am talking about when I ask, “Do you mind if I check out your library?”  Apparently lots of people do not refer to their bathrooms as libraries.  I will probably rue the day when someone actually has a real library in their house.

So, what constitutes too much information?

Telling others that you have surgery is okay . . . but giving the details about the recent hemorrhoid procedure is not appreciated.  Telling folks that you have grandchildren is okay . . . but whipping out a photo album is not acceptable no matter how cute the grandchildren might be.  Having had lunch at a local eatery—okay, but telling them how it gave you gas is not.  One’s sex life—off limits—in fact, the sex lives of anyone in the family is off limits.  That nasty rash—off limits.  It does not matter how truthful and honest one might be, if it is too personal—it is off limits.  It is too much information.

I guess I just don’t have the T.M.I. filter built into my rock garden.  I apologize now if I embarrass you by blurting out some inappropriate information that no one wants to know . . . it just the way I am.  Not much more I can say . . . except, I need to go to the library now and do some serious reading.  Is that too much information?

Quiet!

Besides the infamous ladder (http://www.bogw.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-best-gift-ever.html)  that I received for Christmas from the wife, I also received a book.  The book has been used more than the ladder so far.  The book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, is one that when the wife saw it she immediately thought was perfect for me.  I am an introvert.

Of course, since I started reading the book this past week, the wife has kept asking me what it is all about.  Not just once, but constantly.  All I do is point at the title on the book jacket.  She just doesn’t get it . . . I am an introvert.

I have been an introvert my whole life.  I enjoy being by myself, but that does not mean that I do not enjoy being with others.  I just prefer my company over the company of many . . . I like to handle people in small doses as opposed to huge gatherings.  Most of the things that I enjoy doing are things that people do by themselves . . . reading, photography, and writing to name a few.  I can handle being alone.  It is okay, I can entertain myself.

My introversion kind of throws people off.  It throws people off when it comes to the career that I chose to pursue in life—the ministry.  Ministers have to deal with people . . . ministers have to preach in front of crowds . . . ministers have to deal with more people.  Churches want extroverted pastors because they come across as aggressive, strong, and engaging—that is what they see on television with all of the mega-churches.  It is the American dream.  So, what in the world am I doing in the ministry?  Well, because there is more than one model of ministry that is quite effective, but the loudest are the ones that get heard.  Extroverts are loud.  My being in the ministry kind of throws people off because I am not the life of the party, the loudest pundit from the pulpit, or the most outgoing . . . but, most of the congregations I have served would tell you that I have been a good minister to them.

I think that my children knew that I am an introvert, but I don’t think that they were quite aware of what that meant because growing up they were too busy living their lives.  Now, as adults, when they have had to spend time with me for more than a few minutes, they have learned that I am an introvert.  I don’t care to chit-chat too much.  I think that this drives my oldest son a little crazy on our drives home from the big city after work.  Outside of a few cursory remarks and questions, I prefer the quiet over the conversation after a long day at work and dealing with people.  No conversation, no radio . . . nothing.  He is an extrovert, like his mother, and has come to learn (like the other children) that if he wants to have a conversation he has his mother to shoot the breeze.

We live in a society in which extroversion is the prize and the goal.  Introverts are second class citizens in this understanding of what is important.  This has been going on for quite some time, and we introverts are okay with it.  We are not “bad” people, we are just quiet.  Quiet is often misinterpreted . . . some consider us shy . . . some think that we are stuck-up . . . some think that we have some sort of grave psychological problem that makes us a threat to the rest of society.  I have been branded with all of those labels over the years.  I can assure you that I am not shy . . . I’m just quiet.  I am not stuck-up, I have nothing to be stuck-up about.  And, I am definitely not suffering from deep psychological malady or phobia.  I just like the quiet world that exists within the rock garden I call my mind.

So, here’s the skinny . . . I am who I am . . . I am an introvert and all that being an introvert encompasses.  I live in a world that is full of extroverts—hey, I married one!  The society I live in values extroverts, views introverts as being different and second class citizens—but, hey!  That is their problem.  I am comfortable being by myself . . . I can entertain myself . . . I am great company.  I like people, but I like taking my time in getting to know them, and, as I get to know them better and personally, I enjoy their company—but only in spurts.  As an introvert I need my time of recovery from hanging out in the world of extroverts.  Extroverts wear me out.  There is nothing wrong with me . . . I just won’t tell you.  I prefer the quiet.  Someday the wife will get it . . . in the meantime, well . . . shhhhhh!

Facebook Envy

 

It has been said that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” . . . or at least most of us think it is.  Erma Bombeck said that the reason the grass is green on the other side of the fence is because the yard is over the septic tank.  A recent study by researchers at Utah Valley University state that this is especially true when it comes to looking over all of the friends posts on Facebook—the grass might look greener, but the reality is often quite different.

The unwritten rule of Facebook (and probably just about any other social networking site) is that people don’t post pictures about the parts of their lives that suck.  No, they post only the best pictures and activities of their lives . . . they sell an impression—a positive one at that.  Facebook is about impressions and managing other people’s impressions—at least that is what the study concluded.  Other research has shown that Facebook users carefully cultivate impressions about themselves that highlight positive attributes and associations, while downplaying or excluding undesirable traits (ah, yes, the American pastime of denial).  What you see is not always what you get:

No big deal . . . right?  Everyone does it.  No blood, no foul . . . or so we thought.  The researchers from Utah Valley University were curious as to how these exaggerated and awesome profiles might impact the self-perceptions of regular Facebook users.  To find out they had 425 undergraduates complete a survey about their use of the social network site and their outlook on life.  The results?  Grass envy . . . the grass looked greener on the other side of the Facebook post than the side they were sitting on.  This led these individuals to believe that their friends lived happier and more exciting lives than they did, and that life itself was unfair.  Then to make matters worse . . . those with the greater number of “friends” had even a greater sense of those feelings.  It didn’t matter if these were close and personal acquaintances or someone you talked to once in fifth grade . . . the more “friends” the greater the sense of “boy does my life suck!”  The researchers stated that the tipping point was around 354 so-called “friends”.

Impressions are important, especially first impressions.  All of us have had that pounded into our heads since we were little kids.  But, my parents taught me that you can’t believe everything that you see . . . first impressions are not always the reality . . . especially in this day and age of Photo Shop.   You’ve got to take them with a grain of salt.  Thus it is that I don’t believe every post and picture I see on Facebook, especially when I know the poster personally.  So far, I have avoided getting a case of Facebook envy.

I primarily use Facebook as a portal to share information—not information about myself, but of things I am interested in and a part of.  I administer three Facebook pages besides my personal page.  One is for the church I serve as a pastor on which I place daily devotions, post calendar events, and the weekly e-newsletter.  Another is for the partnership of the United Church of Christ and the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Montana as a place for discussion about the partnership we have entered into.  It is filled with information, devotions, and occasional questions for discussion.  And, the last is on for the regional service area that I work for at the university . . . it has articles and information about upcoming workshops for educators.  On my personal page I post my photographs, links to my blog, and cartoons that make me laugh.  On none of the pages do I glorify my personal life . . . mainly because it is pretty ho-hum most of the time . . . pretty mundane.  If anything I have ever posted (outside of living in the great state of Montana) has created envy in you to the point that you think that life is unfair, well, I apologize.  It wasn’t my intention to create Facebook envy in others.

I have also avoided getting Facebook envy thanks to the fact that I don’t even know close to 354 people to invite to be “friends” on my Facebook page.  At last count, I have exactly 95 friends and probably more of half them haven’t spoken to me since asking me to “friend” them.  But I guess it is nice of them to care enough to keep up with whatever is happening in my life.  That is another reason I use Facebook . . . to keep up with others.  Primarily it is to keep up with my family and a couple of close friends.  Everyone else is just icing on the cake, I guess.  But I am a long, long way from being on the nexus of Facebook envy with 354 friends.  Heck, that would be over half of the town I live in.  I know for a fact that the majority of people in town don’t even know I exist!

The researchers did offer a couple of “tips” to avoid getting Facebook envy.  First, they recommended that you stay at or below an average of five hours a week on Facebook.  It seems the longer you stay on Facebook the more apt you are to believe everything that you read.  Second, they recommended that you restrict your group of “friends” to only include those people who are real friends and family . . . no one should have every Tom, Dick, or Harry off the street on their list of friends.  If you want to keep up with the world that is what Twitter is for, and in only 140 characters.

Facebook is a wonderful tool when used correctly . . . but, on the other hand, when it is used to mislead and misrepresent, it becomes something else.  It is tool for facilitating civic and political participation, networking for personal improvement with others of a like-mind, and sharing information.  It also has some great jokes, pictures, and posts that can make us think and laugh.  Don’t get caught up in the myth-making that can happen when everyone is attempting to put out only the best impressions.  The truth is usually a whole lot different than what any of us perceive.  In the meantime, if you want to friend me on Facebook . . .