Resolutions

It was years ago that I made the only resolution that I have ever kept.  I do not know where the brilliance of that moment came from . . . whether it was some divine epiphany . . . or the alcohol, but years ago I made the last resolution that I ever kept.  It was quite simple: I resolve to never make another resolution.  That was it!  And, guess what . . . I have never broken that resolution since that fateful New Year’s evening many years ago.  Unlike 92 percent of the people who make resolutions, I have not failed at keeping this resolution year after year.

Actually, I never was big on resolutions.  I never made them, but I got tired of people asking me what my New Year’s resolutions were. I got tired of being hounded . . . teased . . . and being looked upon as something less than normal.  Then one night . . . it happened . . . I raised my glass and said in a loud voice, “I resolve to never make another resolution!”  And, so, I don’t; but I do not stop others from making resolutions.  Shoot!  More power to them . . . and, lots of luck.  The resolution business is tough to win.  The odds are against them from the moment that they are uttered.

Though I do not believe in making resolutions, resolutions fascinate me . . . especially around the first of January of each year.  Resolutions are fascinating.  Over the past 25 years or so the top resolution has usually dealt with better health . . . losing weight, quit smoking, cut down drinking, eat healthier, exercise more, and so on down the line towards a healthier lifestyle.  During that time period the number one resolution each year was to lose weight.  Makes sense as research states that nearly 70 percent of Americans are overweight.  If I made resolutions I am pretty sure that losing weight would be near the top of the list if not at the top of the list . . . but, I don’t make resolutions and I wear baggy clothes.

A healthier life . . . especially losing weight has been the trend for being number one for over a quarter of a century . . . until this year!  This year losing weight got bumped off the pedestal . . . in fact, it dropped to number three on the list of top resolutions.  Curious as to what replaced it?  You love this . . . I thought it was genius . . . the number one resolution for this New Year is “living life to its fullest.”

Researchers found this toppling of the “losing weight” as ironic.  It was ironic because 70 percent of Americans are overweight or obese—the highest that it has ever been.  We are a pudgy society . . . a pudgy nation.  Researchers have discovered that less than half of Americans want to diet.  Who can blame them . . . dieting is hard, hard, hard work.  It takes self-control, discipline, and staunch will-power . . . which I know I do not have when it comes to dieting, and I imagine most other people are in the same boat as I am.  No one likes dieting.  These scientific types think that there are two reasons for this shift at the top of the resolution chain: (1) society has pushed for “body positivity” mindset . . . like what you look like; and, (2) because everyone is overweight or obese, people have changed their perceptions of what “normal weight” is . . . pudgy is now acceptable! 

Whatever the reason for this shift at the top of the resolution chain really doesn’t matter . . . “losing weight” is last year’s trend . . . this year’s trend is “living life to its fullest.”  I think that this resolution is nearly as perfect as my original resolution years ago . . . what the hell does it mean “to live life to its fullest”?  I think the human race, or at least the American branch of it, has finally discovered the resolution loophole.  “To live life to its fullest” is the most ambiguous goal I have ever heard . . . just about anything can fall under this resolution.  Anything!

I am reminded of the writer of the Old Testament book, Ecclesiastes, who at one point declares that the purpose of life is to enjoy it to its fullest.  His motto, simplified here, was to “eat, drink, and be merry!”  For him, at least at that point in his life, life was one great big party in which just about anything goes as long as one was pleasing him or herself.  When I hear this “live life to its fullest”, I hear the battle cry to “eat, drink, and be merry!”  Defining what makes life its fullest can vary as much as the population of the planet . . . every person has his or her own definition and idea as to what makes life its fullest. 

For example, I would think that all the resolutions that fall under the number one resolution—“living life to its fullest”, would probably be the blueprint for a fuller and richer life.  You know, things like losing weight, eating healthier, stopping smoking, drinking less, watching one’s finances . . . the typical things that usually show up on a list of resolutions for the new year.  But, those things are hard . . . why do you think the failure rate for New Year’s resolutions hovers around 92 percent?  Because they are hard, and no one like failing. 

Enter the new, full-proof resolution: “to live life to its fullest.”  With this resolution, anything goes . . . anything goes as long as it is satisfying and makes you happy.  Eat that second helping of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream . . . as long as it makes you happy, you are succeeding in meeting your resolution.  Trust me, I know.  A couple of weeks ago I finished off a pint of Cherry Garcia (six billion calories a helping—six helpings a pint).  After unbuttoning the top button of my pants, I looked to heaven and whispered, “This is the life!”  At that moment I was living life to its fullest . . . my stomach seconded that motion; and, my heart objected.  It did not matter, I was living life to its fullest.

See . . . the resolution is pure genius.  I wish I had thought of it way back when I made my original resolution . . . but, who would have ever thought that there were two perfect resolutions? 

Having made my resolution and sticking to it, I rattle the old beads for those who have started the year with the dauntless task of living up to drunken resolutions . . . or resolutions made in a time of self-pity . . . or even whimsical fancy . . . GOOD LUCK!  The odds are against you . . . overwhelming against you.  It is not the matter of effort, it is a matter of wording if one is to succeed.  Think about it . . .

Grasp the trend.  Adopt the key to success.  Go ahead . . . say it: “I resolve to live life to its fullest!”  Then go for it.  If that seem like too much, do what I did . . . resolve: “I resolve to never make another resolution!”  Either way you cannot lose.

In the meantime . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR . . . and, GOOD LUCK!  Join the eight percent!

Watch Out . . . It’s Coming!

“I'm going on a diet.  (Crud, I know)

I am going to be cranky.

I am going to be irritable.

I am going to be moody and sad and mean.

And, yes, I am going to be hungry.

Please don't feed me, even if I try to bite you.

Please don't tease me, I may hurt you.

Please don't try to encourage me, I may growl and snap at you.

Please don't help me, I may blame you for everything aggravating in the known universe. 

Please don't be offended by my scowl, I cannot smile. 

But most importantly, please keep your distance until this trial is over to prevent any unnecessary casualties.

Thank you for your understanding. ”

(Richelle E. Goodrich)

I’m warning folks now . . . it ain’t going to be pretty in the next couple of weeks . . . I need to lose some weight.  To lose weight one has to watch what he or she eats (also called a diet) and exercise.  Neither of which, at this point in my life, sounds like a whole lot of fun.  I guess you could almost say that I would rather have four root canals while listening to rap music before dieting and exercising.  As I said, it ain’t going to be pretty.

One of the perks of my job at the university is that I have excellent health care insurance that pays for health check-ups on a regular basis.  This means that every couple of months I can check my health and see how healthy I am.  This is always an adventure . . . lately, an adventure that has gone wrong.  The wrong numbers keep going up and the ol’ middle keeps expanding . . . primarily around the equator just above my belt.  Of course the insurance company wants me to know that things are going south when they send me my test results.  They hint at things that I should improve to be healthier.  I do not think that it is that they actually care about my health, but that if the numbers keep going up, I become a health risk to their income.  Heaven forbid if the insurer actually use his or her insurance that they have spent years paying for. 

So, I got one of those letters with my health results.  They explained that I was not a risk . . . yet; but if I kept with my increasing results, I would be a risk.  Not wanting me to be a risk, they made several suggestions.  Among the top two . . . actually, the only two . . . they suggested that I watch my diet and start exercising more.  If I do those two things, they figure, I should get healthier and can keep paying my insurance premiums for another twenty to thirty years.  They are serious, too.  They even warned me that they would be calling to see if I wanted to be a part of a special program designed for people like me . . . I am bursting with anticipation.  I am bursting so much my belly is jiggling!

Approximately eleven to twelve years ago exercise faded out of my life.  Prior to that I was a runner and played a lot of basketball each week.  But it slowly faded out until it disappeared . . . and, to be honest, I really haven’t missed it too much.  Naw, that is a lie . . . I miss it a lot.  I really did enjoy running . . . really did enjoy playing basketball.  It kept me in shape and kept the insurance company off my back.  The problem is that I got busy . . . busy with work, busy with keeping up with the kids as they grew up . . . busy, busy, busy.  And, as I said, exercise just slowly faded out of the picture.

Gone with the exercise was my physical conditioning—or what they call being in shape.  The old rule of thumb from my years of running is that it takes two days to make up for every day you miss from running.  The adage is the same with exercise.  I figure if that is true it will take me approximately 8,790 days or 24 years to get back into shape . . . I’ll be 79 years old by then . . . I’ll let the wheelchair do the work for me.  Plus, starting any exercise means work . . . means pain.  Not real positive reinforcement there.  It just sounds tiresome . . . I am already tired.

Dieting . . . or, as the insurance company recommends, watching what I eat . . . isn’t much better than dieting.  For the past year the wife has been trying to get me to change my diet . . . actually, she has been forcing it on me.  We eat all sorts of fancy meals that are supposed to be healthy for us.  Lots of chicken . . . lots of fish . . . lots of vegetables.  I don’t care for chicken much anymore, the wife has fed so much of it to me that I just cringe at the mention of it.  There is only one way l eat chicken and that is deep fat fried with the skin on . . . the KFC way!  Same with salmon . . . other fish I can enjoy, but salmon is inching its way up next to chicken.  Too much of a good thing can kill ya too!  I want the insurance company to know that I watch everything that I eat . . . and, lately, the added bonus is that I can even watch it longer as it congregates around my midsection. 

At the start of August . . . it begins.  I begin to watch what I eat.  I begin to exercise more.  Everyone has been forewarned.  It ain’t going to be pretty . . . or at least, I ain’t going to be pretty . . . or nice.  I don’t know what will kill me first, the diet and exercise or someone tired of my attitude.  Either way, things are going to get interesting after the youngest son’s wedding.  In the meantime, I am going for broke . . . I am eating that which I shouldn’t be eating, drinking that which I should not drink, and sitting around enjoying it all.  Kind of pisses off the insurance company, but I am bearable for the time being.  In another two weeks . . . watch out!