Walking Home in the Fog

As a kid—now as a romantic, I thought of fog as the heavenly clouds dipping down to embrace the earth.  I also used to think of thunder as God doing some heavenly bowling, but that is another story for another time--probably when I explain to my grandchildren the more intricate details of nature.  Though some would describe fog as being a cloud at ground level, it is not.  Fog is created by supersaturation of the air, so that the air can no longer hold the water vapor.  The water vapor precipitates out into small droplets of condensation, or fog.  The world and things look different in the fog.  Fog has a tendency to muffle and distort sound . . . tends to make it difficult to see . . . thus making navigation and travel difficult.

I think that it is easy to get lost in the fog . . . especially as we are making our way back home.

This past week I finally got around to fulfilling a gift that had been given to me by my sister . . . I finally got around to creating that photobook that she had given me the funding to do.  It was a simple project . . . go through all the photographs I had taken since I had moved to Montana and create a book of the best of them.  She gave it to me for my birthday . . . nearly eight months ago.  I think the truancy of starting and completing the book was the fact that I had gotten lost in the fog.  No matter how many times I sat down to start the project . . . well, I just couldn’t find my bearings.  I was lost.

Going through nearly eight years of photographs is more difficult than it sounds . . . I take a lot of photos . . . as I tell anyone interested in photography, you have to take a lot of pictures to get one good one.  In all those years I had taken a lot of pictures.  Yet, it was not the immensity of the number of photos I had to view, it was finding the desire to do it . . . finding the gumption to do it. Finally, I sat down and created the book.  What a revelation that exercise in creativity turned out to be . . . an epiphany of sorts.

Whether anyone else likes my pictures or not, I like them.  I have no difficulty sitting and going through thousands of pictures . . . reliving each and every story associated with them.  That is always a joy as even the really lousy pictures have a story to tell.  No, it was not having to go through thousands of pictures.  I did it.  The wife says that it is a beautiful photobook.  She might be a little bias . . . but, that is what makes her a good wife.  I guess we will see once we get the final copy.  The final copy is not the epiphany . . . it and all the work that led up to it revealed just how deeply mired I had been in the fog that settled upon my life over the past few years.

As I went through each year’s pictures . . . pictures of hiking trips in the mountains, jaunts down to Yellowstone, critter creeping excursions, snowshoeing in the Beartooths, or even moosing around the West Fork Road . . . each year revealed fewer and fewer of those moments—those adventures, taking place in my life.  As I progressed through each year, there were fewer and fewer adventures . . . fewer explorations, until this past year when I noticed that in a twelve month period I had hardly done anything except photograph the hell out of the birds that visited the Keener Homestead.  It was an epiphany . . . gone were the adventures that brought excitement and joy and growth to my life . . . instead I found the revelation that I had been wandering in the fog, trying to find my way back home.  I had lost that foundation that brought happiness and joy to my life . . . and, it wasn’t only the photographs that were telling this story, it was also the scantiness of my writing.  My blog was dying.

Wandering around in the fog probably best describes it.  I am sure some of you really sharp individuals out there will get all psychological and pronounce the fog as being depression . . . but, save it.  It was not depression . . . it was fog.  It has been a period of time in my life when things have been muffled, distorted, and difficult to see and hear.  The spiritual mystics might call it the “dark night of the soul”, but I still like wandering around in the fog.  In darkness a person just cannot see, in fog it is not that a person cannot see . . . it is distorted . . . just a blurry image . . . not quite gone, but not quite there.  Always teasing and prodding.  Depression is a deep, dark hole that is hopeless and foreboding.  Fog is wandering around seeking some sort of anchor to hold onto.  I have not been depressed . . . just sort of wandering around, attempting to get my bearings, and hoping like crazy that I do not bump into anything that would hurt me.  I have just been wanting to get home.

Isn’t that what we all want?  To get back home?  The problem is that we sometimes stumble into the fog . . . or the fog slowly creeps up on us . . . until that moment when we suddenly realize that we are not sure where we are at, how we got there, or where we are going.  We are engulfed in this hazy middle ground between here and there . . . as if nothing else exists and we are left wandering . . . searching. 

In my life, the fog is lifting.  It is not the head that guides one through the fog towards home . . . it is the heart.  I think the head helps create the fog, while the heart finds its way home.  Since completing that photobook project the heart has been leading me out of the fog . . . it has revealed the light breaking forth . . . beyond the fog there is clarity.  Though the fog has kept me safe, insulated me from the world around me . . . the time has come to get back on track . . . to dream . . . to risk . . . to get back in the mountains and hike . . . to live adventures . . . to see where God is calling me to go . . . to get back home. 

Yeah, we all want to get home . . . sometimes the journey home is through the fog.  An important prayer in the congregation I serve is the prayer of “traveling mercies” . . . it is a prayer of keeping those on a journey safe in their coming and going . . . a prayer of revelation that despite the journey—good or bad, that the sojourner is never alone . . . God is with them as much as they are in the thoughts and prayers of those who offer the prayer.  It is prayer of the heart . . . and, it is the heart that carries us safely through the fog of life.  I guess, in a way, fog really is clouds embracing the earth in an intimate embrace . . . in the Old Testament wasn’t God often portrayed as a cloud leading the people?  Maybe fog is just God putting us in a bear hug until we can continue on in our journeys to home.  I find comfort in that.

Even Introverts Gotta Play

My introversion kicked in today at work . . . I had had enough.  It was time to drop out.  I have been working non-stop for the past four weeks at both of my jobs . . . every single day for the past month . . . and, unfortunately, I still have another two weeks to go before I might get a whole day in which I am not doing one of my two jobs.  Both my jobs involve interacting and being present to PEOPLE.  People drain introverts . . . and, around 11:00AM this morning, I had had enough.  My body started to shut down.  My mind was becoming muddled and muddied.  I was tired . . . worn out . . . at the end of my rope.  So, I took the afternoon off . . . a small reprieve before finishing this marathon of extraversion that started a month ago and will end in another two weeks.

I realize that most of you who are extraverts won’t understand this, but that is one of the major differences between extraverts and introverts.  Extraverts are energized by people . . . introverts are drained.  It is not that we introverts dislike people, it is that we just prefer and need our alone time.  That is where we introverts get our energy . . . that is where we find our groove . . . that is where we find what we really love doing.  It is just the way we are wired.  Unfortunately, it has been a long, long time since I have had my “alone” time.

I was reminded of this in an article that appeared in the “lifestyle” section of MSN.com talking about 22 Fun Activities for Introverts.  I’m kind of a sucker when it comes to articles about introversion . . . especially when it is something that might be helpful; so, I read the article.  True to its title the article (by an introvert I am assuming) listed 22 activities that introverts would probably enjoy.  Of the 22 activities, I am solidly embedded into six of them: photography; writing; solitary outdoor activities (hiking, bird watching, etc.); reading; traveling alone; and, when I was more physically active—running.  These are six things that I enjoy doing alone . . . doing by myself.  Of the 22 suggested activities, I am involved in approximately 25 percent of them.  The others I had a little more difficulty with.

Now, keep in mind, these are activities to be done alone . . . by one’s self.  The 16 activities I do not do:

• ·      --Listening to podcasts.  I have listened to podcasts, but I have not made it a regular part of my “alone” . . . probably because I feel as if they are a lot like a telephone call or a one-sided conversation.  I have a good friend in Michigan who loves podcasts and is a BIG introvert.

• ·        Get artsy . . . draw, paint, and so forth.  The wife got all the artistic skills in the family . . . I mainly draw conclusions and paint myself into corners.  Not much “artsy” in my bones or DNA.

• ·        Learn to play a musical instrument . . . if it is not the “play” button to my Zune, it ain’t going to happen.  I have attempted to learn musical instruments in the past, but I have no sense of rhythm and a person has to have rhythm to play an instrument.  I admire those who can play instruments.

• ·        Cook or bake . . . I can do both . . . fairly well; but, cooking and baking is not something I find relaxing or entertaining . . . it is something I do out of necessity and survival.  If something happened to the wife, I will continue to exist on something more than cereal.

• ·        Create a YouTube channel . . . actually I have one.  I created it when I needed a place to place a few Carol King videos I recorded in Missoula in order to put them on my Facebook page.  This one intrigues me, and I have often contemplated actually doing this or podcasts . . . but, that is what we introverts do . . . we contemplate these things for a long, long time before jumping in with two feet.

• ·        Puzzles . . . do puzzles the writer suggested.  I am lousy at puzzles.  I remember the day I was really proud of myself when I finally completed a puzzle in about six months.  I was beside myself with pride at my accomplishment.  When the wife asked me what I was so happy about, I explained that I had finished the puzzle in less than six months . . . the box said three to six years.  She let me down softly.

• ·        Take an online class.  Not the way that I like to learn.

• ·        Learn to knit . . . as long as there are stores where I can buy my clothes, I will never ever learn to knit . . . I’d probably poke my eye out with one of those needles.

• ·        Play games . . . primarily video games.  Nope.  Not happening.  Not happening because I believe that if humans created the game, then humans should be able to kick the game's butt.  I got tired of getting my butt kicked.  The only game I play—by myself—is solitaire on the computer when I get really, really bored.  I have play it 1,365 times . . . I have won four percent of the time . . . this is why I do not play games.  I am a poor loser when I am playing by myself.

• ·        Garden . . . ha!  This has always been a “family” activity that becomes a “John” activity . . . I do the weeding, I do the cleaning . . . I do it all.  It is not pleasing . . . it is work.

• ·        Watch movies . . . I used to do this, but just haven’t been motivated to do it even though I probably have over 2,000 movies sitting in the closet from those years I spent the weekends away from the family with no cable TV.  Now, if I start to watch a movie, I catch myself sleeping before it even gets to the middle.  Has nothing to do with being an introvert . . . I am getting old.

• ·        Meditate . . . nope, not me.

• ·        Get handy and fix things . . . hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . again, not me.  I am better at breaking things than fixing them.

• ·        Volunteer with animals . . . I love animals, but I already have enough pets in my life . . . I’ll give my loving whenever I’m around dogs and cats, but I don’t want to spend my spare time taking care of other people’s pets.  I pick up enough poop in my own yard.

• ·        Learn a new language . . . shoot, I need to learn the one I speak.

• ·        Build models . . . seems a little ridiculous to spend time putting together a plastic model, sit it on a shelf and let it collect dust . . . then I have to dust . . . sounds like work.  Now, if it is to build models like Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Gisele Bundchen, or Heidi Klum . . . well, they can hang out on my shelves any time they want.  That is the type of modeling I admire . . . but, if two are involved is it really “alone” time?

I might get into the areas of podcasts and YouTube . . . not to listen and watch . . . but to put out there for others to listen and watch.  I guess I have to think about whether or not I have something to say or video worth other people’s time.  Plus, I do not find much rejuvenation in many of those activities . . . lots of work and frustration.  Now, the six things that I do . . . well, those are a whole other ball game.

Lately, photography is my number one choice.  I love taking pictures . . . lots of pictures.  You have to take lots of pictures to get a good picture.  I always tell folks that you have to take hundreds of pictures to get one good picture.  I take my camera most of the places I go when I am not working.  I believe in attempting to tell a story with pictures.  Right now my primary picture taking involves birds and my grandchildren.  I use Facebook as the place to share my photos . . . I also post my bird pictures at http://revjmk.tumblr.com/. 

Writing . . . well, you are reading my writing.  I also write a weekly column and newsletter for the congregation I serve . . . http://us2.campaign-archive1.com/?u=70af6bc8e224ee30770a5ebd5&id=713e91220e&e.  I also write a weekly sermon . . . http://homileticdump.blogspot.com/2015/11/take-away-stones-john-1132-45.html. And, I blog.  I think the writer got that one right.

I like to do outdoor activities.  I enjoy going on hikes . . . even with others even though I lag behind or get way out in front . . . but, I enjoy these by myself.  The problem is that the wife does not like me hiking by myself.  I enjoy critter creeping and taking trips by myself.  I just like these by myself.

Reading . . . I have always loved to read.  As a kid I was one of those who read under the covers with a flashlight.  Still love to read . . . read every night before I go to bed.  Reading leads to better writing.  There are tons of books lying around the house . . . I appreciate books.

I guess I appreciate articles written by those who think that they are helping out introverts.  The author of the MSN.com article assumed that he or she is helping us introverts out, but I think it is a little overwhelming the number of suggestions.  I will admit that I have dabbled in a few of them, but at my age I think I have found those areas that bring me the most satisfaction and energize me the most.  It really doesn’t matter because most introverts will figure it out on their own . . . after all, it is a personal, individual thing.  Again, something that extraverts don’t understand.

Which brings me back to the fact that I am even writing about this . . . as an introvert I needed to get off by myself, spend a little time alone, and play.  Play with words.  Play with ideas.  All by myself.  Even alone, we introverts know how to entertain ourselves.  We are not bored.  We are not lonely.  We are not shy.  We are not weird (though others might think we are).  No, we are just introverts.  Even introverts need time to play . . . even if it is playing by themselves.

Trust me . . . you will like us better if you just let us play by ourselves.  Everyone will be happy.  It is amazing how much better I feel . . . I really needed this time.

One Shot

In the movie, The Deer Hunter, Robert DeNiro and his friends take an annual hunting trip to hunt for deer.  DeNiro’s character is a purist . . . a real hard case when it comes to hunting.  He believes that the hunter must be able to kill his prey with one shot or the hunter should not take the shot.  It is more of a sin to wound the animal than it is to miss the animal.  It is one shot or nothing.  I am that way when it comes to photography.

I love my digital camera.  I take lots of pictures . . . lots of pictures.  I love to drive and hike around the area of Montana where I live.  I love to photograph the birds that frequent the bird feeders in our yard.  I take hundreds . . . thousands of pictures . . . in the hope that I get at least one that is worthy of sharing with other people.  In all of the years that I have been taking photographs I have never . . . ever . . . photo shopped a picture.

First of all, I do not own a photo shop program.  True, with each camera I have bought, there has been a photo shop program that has come with it; but, I have never downloaded the programs.  I have never purchased a photo shop program . . . mostly because I am too cheap and, because I do not believe in them.  Photo shopping seems like false advertising to me.

Second of all, who can improve what is already there.  If God created it as I see and photograph it . . . who am I to attempt to improve it?  I sometimes wonder if God gets a little grumpy when we humans attempt to improve whatever is there and created by God.  I know that I do not appreciate it when people change what I have written or taken a photograph of.  Makes me wonder . . . what is God’s tolerance level?

I like to take pictures . . . and, I take a lot of them . . . probably close to five hundred or so a week.  There is so much out there in God’s creation to take pictures of . . . God is pretty artistic if you ask me . . . so, I had better be taking pictures of what I see.  And . . . I do.  I take a lot of pictures.  It takes a lot of pictures to get one good one . . . one shot . . . no doctoring . . . no photo shopping.  That is what I strive for every time I take a picture.

I guess I like to deal with reality. 

Years ago, the rock group Styx had an album titled The Grand Illusion that was based on the premise that the lives that people lived were based on an illusion that was created by others . . . primarily, though they did not say it, Wall Street and its advertisers.  People were not living in reality.  When people photo shop pictures are they not changing reality?  Are they not creating an illusion?

Years ago I had the opportunity to meet Margo Kidder.  Yeah, the Margo Kidder who played Lois Lane in the Superman movies with Christopher Reeves.  It was a couple of months after her unfortunate episode with her bi-polar disease.  The woman I met did not add up to the woman that I had in my mind . . . reality was more severe than the photo shopped version that Hollywood had tried to sell me.  I was not disappointed in this down to earth individual, but I was upset that it had shattered what I thought was real.  That is the problem that I have with photo shopping.

Photo shopping in life is all around us.  What we see is not always the reality.  Be careful out there . . . one shot, one honest real shot, says more than any photo that has been altered to be more appealing.  Yeah, I believe that . . . and, my photos prove that.  If it was good enough for God the first time . . . it is good enough for me.

Killing Time--Great Falls Photos

One of the gifts that my children gave me this past Christmas was a Nikon Coolpix Camera.  This camera was to replace the one that I was stolen out of my car while visiting the oldest son in Fort Collins, Colorado the summer before.  Typically I like using my Canon PowerShot S3 single lense reflex camera for taking photographs as it takes some pretty spectacular pictures, but I had been using the small digital camera that I had inherited from my father for quick and spontaneous pictures.  I carried it around in my pants pocket and it was always ready to go.  With that gone I was left with my cell phone to take those kinds of pictures.  At least that was until I received my Coolpix.

Now I have not had a lot of experience of taking pictures by looking at a screen to see the image.  I have always looked through the lense.  The Coolpix was a whole new adventure for me in photography.  To say the least, I had not spent much time with the camera since getting it.  I found it a challenge.  So, when the wife and I were recently in Great Falls for a regional church meeting I had some time to kill while the wife was in a meeting.  Having time to kill meant I could play around with the Coolpix . . . and that is what I did.

I whipped out the camera at two locations in Great Fall--one was at the Lewis and Clark Interpretative Center, the other was in the block around Central Christian Church in downtown Great Falls.  I have always told the youngest son--one who hopes to be a professional photographer . . . a brewer who owns his own brewery, you have to take a lot of pictures to get one or two good ones.  I took a lot of pictures while in Great Falls.  Here are the ones I liked the best:

  The Missouri River.  Looking towards the city of Great Falls and the 

water fall that gave the community its name.  This was taken at

the Lewis and Clark Interpretative Center.

 One of the wild critters that make its home around the Lewis and

Clark Interpretative Center.

Wild sunflowers coming to the end of their season . . .

 . . . but that does not stop the bumble bee from stocking up for the 

long winter to come.

Looking up the corner of the three-story old school building that

now serves as a community center across the street from 

Central Christian Church in downtown Great Falls.  I love

the patterns and different colors of bricks that were quite

"modern" in the early 1900s when this building was built.

 On another side of the building is a bricked window--note

the two colors of bricks.  Makes one wonder what the builders

were thinking here.

 Around on another side of the building was this wonderful pattern

made at the corner of the building looking up at the roof.  I just love

the pattern and contrast of the bricks and artwork against the 

blue sky--intricate, yet simple.

 Behind the community is the remains of a bakery and its 

"advertising"--the building is now an apartment/office building.  

Bread and Beer--open until midnight--who could ask for 

anything more!

On the same wall--not to be outdone--a modern graffiti artist

left his or her artistic impression on the same building.  Probably got there 

after midnight and couldn't get any "cold beer"!

 The Greek Orthodox Church just across the street from Central

Christian Church.  I loved the shadows of the trees on the bell

tower of the church--distinctively holy in its image.

 The front doors of the Greek Orthodox Church--talk about

having to "cross" a threshold to enter.

Central Christian Church, downtown Great Falls . . .

 On the previous picture you can barely see the black bird on the steeple 

cross . . . is this a "sign"?

In the sanctuary at Central Christian Church is a circular window

that is clear glass allowing the congregation to view out and admire

the trees that line the church property.  This is a reflection of the trees--

from the outside--God makes God's own stained glass windows.

From another angle one gets the evening moonrise framed by trees.

 The full effect of everything coming together--the blak bird on the cross,

God's stained glass window, and the setting sun.

God's touch--beauty--is all around if one takes the time to open one's eyes.  Killing some time while waiting for the wife and to attend a meeting I found God's beauty just walking around the block.  Plus, I got to play around with the Nikon Coolpix camera and feel like I am getting a little better with each time I use it.  But, in closing, I saved my favorite picture for last:

Sunset in downtown Great Falls--looking down an alley near Central 

Christian Church.

I hope that you enjoy these pictures as much as I do--look around and discover God's touch in your world!