For the Amazingly Low Price . . .

 

. . . you, too, can buy the presidency!

I am not certain if this is a presidential election year or the year of the presidential infomercial.  I say this because one of the presidential candidates, Donald Trump, has been on a sale’s pitch hawking all sorts of products to support his campaign (and legal expenses) as his opponent has outraised him in the previous months since announcing her bid for office.  He and his campaign need funds to be competitive in the election race.  The “Donald”, being the consummate salesperson that he is, is leaving no stone unturned as he seeks out funding.

 

The man is always out to make a quick buck and truly believes in the often-attributed phrase that P.T. Barnum supposedly spoke: “There’s a sucker born every minute.”  The “Donald” has made his livelihood on this premise his whole life, so why stop now . . . even when it comes to raising funds for an election.  The man knows his people and is not afraid to milk them for all that they have.  It is a talent that he has, and he is good at it.  He has made millions!

 

As I said, I feel as if I am watching a Saturday Night Live skit based on the old infomercials that plagued late-night television . . . “for the amazingly low price you, too, can own a piece of the 2024 presidential election!  Buy your Trump ________________ (fill in the blank) and support the ‘Donald’.”  The guy will sell just about anything to make a dollar.

 

I am amazed at the things that this man is willing to sell.  With any campaign, I expect the candidates to sell the normal merchandise to fund their endeavors . . . tee-shirts, bumper stickers, hats, flags—anything that you can put the campaign logo or candidate’s image on.  You name it, he sells it.  Check out his political merchandising website, the “Trump-Vance 2024 Official Merchandise”.  On this website he sells just about everything except the kitchen sink . . . which I hear he is considering.  Plus, he is not opposed to using whatever headline event he can to hawk himself.

 

One of his most popular sellers was the merchandise he pushed after he was booked at the Fulton County jail in Atlanta. Georgia for allegedly attempting to overturn the 2020 presidential election results.  All that merchandise was plastered with his mug shot and the phrase “never surrender”.  He made a couple of million off those items—everything from a coffee mug to tee-shirts and hats.  If he can sell it, he will find the audience to buy it and will go to all sorts of products. 

 

Another big seller was the merchandise he created after his assassination attempt at one of his rallies.  The next day there was merchandise showing a picture of himself, standing with a fist raised in defiance, and the words “fear not” with a convenient American flag behind him.  He milked that one for a couple of million.  The one I am surprised he missed was a deal with the feminine hygiene companies to sell their maxi/mini pads with the Trump campaign logo since the bandage on his ear wound looked just like one.  Throughout the Republican Party Convention, the television audience were shown plenty of pictures of the delegates sporting these on their ears in support of the “Donald”.  I am surprised that he missed this opportunity!  I am sure he would have made a killing on the “official wound bandage” sponsored by Stayfree.

 

He has also learned that it is good to diversify . . . it is not good enough to just have a product touting one’s allegiance and support along with everyone else, but that it should be broken down to specific groups.  You name a group and there are probably products made specifically for them to shout out “Trump”.  There are “Veterans for Trump” . . .  and this one gets broken down into even more elite groupings like “Marines (pick your military branch) for Trump”.  I am inclined to like the “Space Force Veterans for Trump” shirts.  You name a group and there is probably a shirt for it . . . students, women, gun owners, Latino Americans, Black Americans, believers (for you religious folks out there), Jewish voices, and Catholics.  I am surprised that he didn’t one for “right-handers for Trump” because he obviously wouldn’t go with anything towards the “left”—sorry about that all you left-handers. 

 

If you have a dollar . . . Trump has something for you!

 

Check out his shoe collection . . . Trump Sneakers.  This is for the athletic, fashion-conscious supporters . . . check out the out the cool slang term for the footwear . . . “sneakers”!  The word “sneaker” is often attributed to Henry Nelson McKinney who was an advertising agent for N.W. Ayer & Son.  He used the term because the rubber sole made the shoe wearer stealthy or sneaky.  How ironic that a sneaky politician is selling “sneakers”.  But if you want the latest and greatest (the greatest Trump tells us over and over again) in shoe wear, then Trump Sneakers are the way to go while still supporting the candidate.  It’s all there . . . low cuts, walking shoes, high tops, golf shoes, boots, and even slides!  All embellished with campaign logos . . . the number 45 denoting his term as the 45^th president . . . lot of lavish gold color . . . red, white, and blue . . . “never surrender” . . . “fight, fight, fight” . . . “crypto president”.  The price range is from $149 (slides) to $499.  Some lucky buyers might even latch onto a pair that are autographed by the man himself.  Some shoes are numbered due to their limited availability. 

 

Don’t believe me . . . check out the website!

 

And if shoes aren’t your thing, the website also offers some other great (great I tell you) products.  For the men there is Victory Cologne at $119 an ounce . . . not to be left out is Victory Perfume for women at the same great (great I tell you) price.  There is a wonderful cooler (27 or 55 quart) with the “Donald” standing before an American flag, smiling and pointing, starting at the low, low price of $299.  All this for the fashion-conscious patriot wanting to support their candidate.  The Trump Sneakers was a genius marketing strategy!  I need a pair of those sliders at $149 . . . but I saw the same pair at Walmart for ten bucks with out the Trump name.  I think I have a gold marker at home that I could write his name on them.

 

As cool as all that stuff is, this wily entrepreneur is even setting his eyes on the religious . . . well, not all the religious, just the Christians . . . and, not just any Christians, but the evangelicals—especially those who are Christian Nationalists.  For a mere sixty dollars the faithful can purchase a special “God Bless the USA Bible” also known as the “Trump Bible” to enlighten their faith and support their candidate.  As the story goes, this bible was inspired by country singer Lee Greenwood’s patriotic and hit song, God Bless the USA.  In fact, the bible features the chorus of the song, hand-written by Greenwood himself.  Who needs a commentary when one can have the chorus that inspired this bible?  Also included in this bible is the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Alliance.  All a part of the lost tables that Moses brought down off Mount Sinai but lost during the chaos of the “golden calf” fiasco and scuffle.  And the scripture itself is in the wonderful, inspiring, and easy to understand King James Version beloved by all the truly faithful.

 

What could be more inspiring to dig into the “word” than all these bonus materials to guide one’s understanding of God and God’s will?  After all, it has been rumored that God is a Republican!  This is the only bible endorsed by President Trump . . . if you want some other president’s endorsed version of the bible, well good luck . . . there are none!  Lee Greenwood endorses it too.  Truly, with these two endorsing it, it has to be the number one selling book of all time . . . outselling all the other versions combined!  At least according to Trump who believes that every American needs a bible in their home.  Thus, he is offering it for a mere sixty dollars . . . a bargain!  “All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many. It’s my favorite book,” Trump said, “I’m proud to endorse and encourage you to get this Bible. We must make America pray again.”

 

Ever the salesperson, for a few dollars more patriots can upgrade their bible.  Get a Trump autographed copy for a thousand dollars . . . and for another five hundred dollars purchasers can get a bible autographed upside down—just like the one he held upside down when he marched from the White House to the church across the street to show his faith to the nation.  We all know it is his favorite book.  He even said so.

 

Now for the really pious, and for the same low price as the original bible--$59.99—they can purchase a God Bless the USA Bible—“The Day God Intervened” edition.  This bible has been customed embossed to be in remembrance of the day that God intervened during the assassination attempt.  It even has the American flag embossed on the front.  Just think how envious this will make the rest of the congregation and those gathered for bible study!

 

Now someone is going to say that Trump isn’t making a penny off this venture into bible selling. It even says so on the God Bless the USA Bible website.  The website states that it has no affiliation with any of Trump’s entities or campaign.  But the truth is in the small print . . . Trump has earned over $300,000 off of the sale of this bible through a contract for using Trumps likeness, name, and image through CIC Ventures LLC—a Trump owned company.  As pious and faithful as he would want us to believe it is not beneath him to sell the bible—God’s word—to make a quick buck.

 

Maybe none of that stuff excites you.  If that is the case maybe you might want to get some virtual Trump trading cards.  Yes, digital trading cards.  They are a bargain at $99 a card.  All it takes is a minute.  First, you sign up for an account with a valid email.  Then you select how many Trump Digital Trading Cards you want, check out with your credit card (or crypto if you want).  Once successfully checked out (according to the site) the cards will be minted and delivered to your digital wallet.  That’s it.  Almost as easy as making a political contribution . . . but you get some wonderful digital trading cards that are floating around the world wide web for your viewing pleasure.

 

That is what everyone wants . . . a product that you can’t even hold in your hands!  Trump thought about those needing tactile motivation . . . for every fifteen digital cards (bought at one time) or $15,000 the buyer receives a physical trading card.  But this is no mere mortal trading card . . . NO!  It includes a swatch of the suit that Trump wore during the presidential debate with President Joe Biden.  The suit that Trump calls the “knock out suit”.

 

Don’t stop there!  Patriots, collectors, and investors can also purchase a package of the cards with other merchandise and incentives thrown in.  There is the “buy five” and a free pair of gold sneakers thrown in for $499.  Since the cards don’t cost anything to create and there is nothing physical about them at the cost of $495, and the shoes cost $499 . . . what a bargain!  There are other packages available: nine card gets you two pairs of gold sneakers and an three extra digital cards for $891 (was $2,186); 15 cards gets you a physical card and platinum limited edition sneakers with one physical trading card with a piece of the suit and several other one-of-a-kind digital trading card with the promise of up to fifty trading cards in all for the small price of $1,485; there is a “gala dinner” package that include dinner with Trump at his resort, 50 digital cards, one physical card with the suit, one pair of the platinum high top sneakers, two pairs of “Never Surrender” gold sneakers, a one-of-a-kind (only one in the world) digital trading card,  one limited edition “debate” card and 50 digital cards for merely $2,997; or spend $24,750 and get two VIP dinners with the ex-president with a ton of great incentives from shoes to cocktails with the president for purchasing 250 cards!  Check it all out at the Trump Cards website.

 

Again, Trump and his campaign claim they receive none of the money raised.  Liar, liar, pants on fire.  With all the sneakers attached to this one you might want to be leery of the whole thing . . . it sounds sneaky to me.  Like the bible sales, this is attached to the CIC Digital LLC whose owner happens to be Donal Trump.  Same agreement.

 

Whew!  That’s a lot and it is probably only the tip of the iceberg.  Doesn’t it sound and feel like one great big, long infomercial?  Who likes infomercials?  I didn’t and don’t.  Rarely, if at all, were the products that are sold on infomercials worth the money that they are being sold for.  The announcers speak fast, throw out a whole bunch of fancy sounding “facts”, and entice us to spend hard earned money for nothing.  They are banking on the supposed P.T. Barnum statement of a “sucker born every minute”.

 

I do not understand how someone who is supposed to be a billionaire, is educated among the elite, has refined taste, and is in the upper one percent can drag down the office of the President of the United States to such a low level of disrespect and creating a circus atmosphere by the selling of cheap products.  I would think anyone running for the office would do so in a respectful way to the office and the people he or she is running for.  I just don’t understand.  Tempting people with tacky and cheap products that experts are saying are not worth the money now or in the future is—just like the shoes being sold—sneaky. 

 

Judge for yourself.  Can the presidency of the United States of American be bought for a low, low price . . . isn’t it worth more than imagined trading cards no one can see or hold . . . cheap-looking, gaudy sneakers . . .  or a bible that sells for sixty bucks with the lyrics of a country song promising that “God blesses the USA”?  I think so. But if you buy into this . . . I have a bridge I want to sell you.