Picking Fruit

Picking Fruit

I am a brief guy.  I like my snuggies when it come to underwear.  I have never been a free-wheeling proponent of boxers . . . almost seems to be too liberal for my tastes.  Nope, I have always been a brief sort of guy.  All of my sons are boxer sorts of guys . . . and, they have been since childhood.  I am not sure why this is, since their father was a brief sort of guy, but I do think that it had something to do with the fact that there were a heck of a lot more cartoon characters available in boxers than in briefs.  Whatever the case, they are among the free-wheeling while their old man sticks to the snuggly fitting briefs . . . Fruit of the Loom to be exact.

I think that underwear is an individualize and private thing.  I do not think that it is a public issue . . . though it seems that in this day and age, with the current fashion trends, that underwear is the new outerwear.  Whatever the case, I still think that the underwear (if the individual even wears underwear) is up to the individual and is private.  I don't think that it is up to society to dictate what underwear an individual does or does not wear.  That is up to the individual.

One of the big stories of the 2014 Winter Olympics was concerned with underwear . . . in particular the ban of lacy panties in the country of Kazakhstan (plus Russia and Belarus).  It seems that the government in that particular country has decided to ban lacy underwear in a trade agreement.  Their reason?  Well, because the lacy underwear did not have a six percent absorbency rate for moisture.  Because this particular underwear could not absorb a minimum of six percent moisture the government was going to ban them from the public.  As one could imagine, this created quite an uproar . . . both with males and females.  To protest, women placed lacy underwear on their heads and marched around the capital of Kazakhstan.

One woman stated, "It irritates me the most that the authorities want to decide what I should wear. As if all other issues in the country are solved and the only outstanding issue is ladies' panties."  Who cares whether or not the poor are taken care of, that everyone has some sort of health care, that the homeless have homes, that the economy is solid . . . as long as we have the most absorbent underwear in the world.  Remember, our mothers always told us to have clean underwear on . . . in Kazakhstan that mean underwear that will absorb more than six percent of the bodily fluids.  I'll tell you what, if I am in an accident I do not think that any pair of underwear will absorb all of the bodily fluids that my body emits . . . I am going to wet my pants! Kazakhstan's reply . . . yeah, but we are dry!

Though I have broadcasted it to the world, I do not think that it is anybody's business what sort of underwear I wear.  Nor do I think that it is up to the government to tell me what sort of underwear that I wear . . . or its necessary absorbency it must have.  I think that is up to the individual to decide. If he or she wants super-absorbency in their underwear . . . well, good for them.  That is their choice.  This act of government is nit-picking . . . or should I say, fruit picking.

This is a situation in which the government has over-stepped its bounds.  I stand with the people of Kazakhstan (even though I could never pick their location on a map) and their protest against this lacy underwear ban . . . though I will not stand out in the public square with underwear on my head (even if it is Teenage Mutant Turtles underwear).  I know that my underwear would pass the six percent absorbency rate . . . it is Fruit of a Loom.  Any underwear in which four guys dressed up as fruit has to be acceptable in society.

So . . . I want it to be known.  I want it to be known that I do not care what sort of underwear you wear.  I do not care whether or not it has the capability to absorb six percent of the bodily fluids you emit.  Nor do I care whether or not you wear lacy panties, boxer shorts, or those snug-fitting briefs.  That is your business.  The bottom line, literally, is that what you choose or choose not to wear is up to you.  No individual (except our mothers) can tell us what to wear (except that it must be clean in case of an accident).  We need to stand with the people of Kazakhstan and let people they have no right to pick on our fruit! Let freedom ring . . . or at least our underwear!