Time to Tell

        "Gloom, despair and agony on me-e!

        Deep dark depression, excessive misery-y!

        If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all!

        Gloom, despair and agony on me-e-e!"

(Hee Haw Television Show)

It all began with a tweet on Twitter.  The daughter tweeted: “I have signed up to win @TheEllenShow 's 12 days of give aways, every day and it is just a nice reminder that I never win anything...”  I think she is beginning to get a clearer picture . . . that she is beginning to suspect that something isn’t quite right . . . especially when it comes to Keeners and luck.  I guess it is about time to come clean and let everyone know . . . Keeners and luck do not dance well together.  As the song said, “If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all!”

I am not sure exactly when I learned of this deep dark curse that has afflicted (I would imagine) Keeners for generation.  With perfect 20/20 hindsight it is easier to see the patterns, but when it is happening . . . bad luck, that is . . . it is pretty darn difficult to see.  The truth of the matter is that we Keeners have lousy luck . . . especially when it comes to playing in contests for big prizes.  It is so bad, that I do not see my buying a lottery ticket as a chance to win something big . . . nope, I see it as an act of charity . . . as my donation to support the luck of someone else . . . of doing my part.  Why? Because I never win!  It is time that my children learn this fateful curse.

I imagine I should have told them this from the very beginning, or at least when they were old enough to understand; but I thought that they would grasp the curse a lot sooner . . . after all, they are all smart.  Or so I thought . . . now I am not so sure, when I see them entering contests, buying lottery tickets, and betting on the moon . . . I am not so sure.  So, here it is . . . we Keeners have no luck.  Save your money.  Don’t bet on things.  Don’t enter contests.  Avoid ladders.  Don’t break mirrors.  Walk in the opposite direction of black cats.  Never . . . ever . . . step on a crack and break your mother’s back.  Look both ways before crossing the street . . . look both ways a second time . . . then, run like hell across the street.  Don’t cross yourself before you shoot a free throw . . . you are not Catholic and God doesn’t care whether or not you make the free throw.  Remember, if it weren’t for bad luck, we Keeners would have no luck at all.  Trust me, I know.

I know and it took a long time for me to get beyond the denial.  I should have known and understood it sooner in my own life, but denial is a powerful psychological tool we humans use way too well.  I should have known after that time all of us neighborhood kids were playing soccer.  The ball kept getting kicked up into a neighbor’s yard with two big dogs on chains.  Over and over again, the ball rolled up between those two dogs just lounging there . . . over and over again, someone would go and retrieve the ball . . . not once did anyone get bit by either dog.  At least not until it was my turn to get the ball.  With extreme caution, I approached the ball and dogs . . . the dogs just laid there.  I picked up the ball . . . I felt that I was safe and about to accomplish the task of rescuing the ball . . . then, I turned . . . and one of those darn dogs latched onto my calf with a vengeance . . . torn a good chunk out of my leg.  I was the thirteenth person to go and get the ball . . . yeah, I know . . . the number thirteen . . . luck ran off with number twelve.  I should have known it then.

Another time, and surprisingly, as an adult, I tried my luck once again.  Having watched those cartoons for years of people stepping on a rake and getting smacked in the face, I found myself one day standing before a rake lying in the yard.  Something that was easily avoidable, but my curiosity got the best of me . . . after all, those are things that only happen in cartoons.  I stepped on the rake . . . darn if the rake didn’t end up smacking me in the face.  I should have known it then.

Watching three friends cross a frozen pond . . . yep, I broke the ice and fell into the pond’s icy water.  Getting a bike with hand brakes, forgetting that there were hand brakes . . . I have smashed into a lot of walls.  Getting swatted by my father for some indiscretion and realizing it did not hurt . . . and, then laughing in relief . . . the second spanking hurt.  Buying 99 of the 100 raffle tickets and still not winning the big prize.  Yep, you would have thought I would have figured out this luck thing a lot earlier in life.  We Keeners have no luck!

The problem apparently is that we are slow learners despite our higher intelligence . . . at least that is what I keep telling myself; or, we are eternal optimists.  I think that it is a combination of both.  My superior intelligence keeps me playing the odds that eventually I will win.  Reality keeps laughing in my face.  It ain’t going to happen.

So, children, please understand . . . we Keeners have no luck.  Play it safe.  Oh sure, there are exceptions to the rules, but I just think that it is luck playing with our psyches . . . toying with our emotions . . . being a mean old fart.  Just because we Keeners might win something once in a blue moon, it does not mean that the curse is over.  Luck is a fleeting lover that we rarely ever experience.  Just remember, our luck is bad luck . . . once you can learn to accept that, it gets easier.

I feel much better now that I have gotten that secret out of the closet . . . having known that I have done my parentally thing by letting them know.  I would bet that they get it, but that is probably a bet I wouldn’t win.  Luck, you know.  The Hee Haw gang has been singing our song for years . . . oh, the gloom . . . the despair . . . the excessive misery!  I guess, in the end, bad luck is better than no luck at all!