Shaken, Not Stirred

Life always looks better on the silver screen.

Seems there is a reason for the iconic spy, Agent 007—James Bond, wanting his martinis “shaken, not stirred” . . . the man was an alcoholic.  Apparently, with the amount of alcohol the man drank (according to the books and movies), there were pretty good odds that he was an alcoholic . . . a drunk of the most extreme kind.  I stumbled upon this myth-breaking knowledge while perusing that hot bed of facts . . . the Internet.  If it is on the Internet, it has to be true.  James Bond was an alcoholic.

At least he is according to a research team at Nottingham University Hospitals in England.  According to their research, the consumption of alcohol that James Bond drank was more than four times higher than the recommended intake for an adult male.  With this much alcohol in his system he would be incapable of battling the evil powers of the world, chasing all of the sexy skirts, and probably even be standing up much of the time.  The guy was a certifiable drunk.

Now, I really didn’t care how much James Bond was drinking when I watched his movies.  I did not keep count of how many martinis he was racking up as the movie rolled along.  No, I watched for the action and for the Bond’s girls . . . hey, let’s be honest, there wasn’t a whole lot of plot to the movies to begin with except action and Bond’s girls.  Because of this I was a little surprised that a university—a medical one, at that—would spend any money to monitor the drinking happens of the world’s most famous spy.  You would have thought that the money could have been spent in a more productive way . . . searching for a cure for cancer . . . or even, heaven forbid, obesity.  But . . . no, the drinking habits of James Bond warranted key scientific research for God only knows what reason.

Through keen research of the books about James Bond, the researchers were able to determine that the amount of alcohol consumed seemed rather high . . . four times the normal amount.  At this rate they determined that James Bond would be at an extremely high risk for several alcohol-related diseases . . . alcoholic liver disease, cirrhosis, impotence and alcohol-induced tremor.  They jokingly stated that this was probably why he wanted his martinis “shaken, not stirred” because the guy couldn’t hold his hand still.  They estimated, at his rate of drinking, that he would be lucky to make it to the age of 56 years old.  This guy wasn’t a “one for the road” sort of drinker . . . he was hardcore . . . he was a sot.

This explains a lot. Since the Bond movie franchise started in 1954, there have been eleven different actors who have played the iconic spy.  About every five years a new actor played James Bond on the silver screen . . . makes you wonder . . . were they dead or were they off at some rehab place drying out!  Also, it explains how the guy could constantly get the tar knocked out of him, bounce back, and always save the day . . . he was too drunk to feel the pain of being knocked into tomorrow . . . he was pickled.  Never saw a bruise on the guy.  According to the researchers James Bond could never—at least in real life—live up to his exploits on the screen . . . maybe from a barstool, but never in real life. 

I am not a big 007 fan . . . the movies were just great escapes of mindlessness . . . sort of a meditation into nothingness; but, they always had great themes songs, lots of explosions and heart-beating action, and plenty of eye candy for both sexes.  I am not surprised that James Bond over drank on a regular basis, but who wouldn’t?  You go out and try to save the world from all the evil forces seeking to destroy it . . . try to bed half of the world’s female population . . . and, look good while doing it.  That is enough to drive any person, much less an extraordinary spy of James Bond’s caliber, to drink.

It has been a while since a Bond movie has been out.  I imagine that James has been drying out somewhere . . . at least that is what the researchers recommended . . . that he get his butt in rehab as soon as possible.  In the meantime, I guess I will lift my beer and propose a toast to Mister Bond, “Here is to you, James!”  Knock it down, and get out there to save the world.  Heaven knows we need more alcoholic spies taking care of business . . . couldn’t be worse than we already have!