Calling in Sick

It was difficult dragging myself out of bed this morning when the alarm went off.  After a long period of several weeks of work between two jobs with no real breaks, my body rebelled against my mind.  My mind, the responsible part of my body, was ready to go, while the rest of the body threw a pillow at the mind, telling it to “shut up and go back to sleep!”  Needless to say . . . I got up.  Despite getting up I still contemplated calling in and taking a “sick day”.

Unfortunately the good Lord blessed me with a good immune system that seldom fails me . . . I rarely get sick.  I always thought that one had to be “sick” to call in “sick” . . . little did I know.  Msn.com had an article dealing with this topic and it is amazing what I learned about “calling in sick”.

The article stated that 30 percent of all workers in the past year have called in sick without actually being ill.  Winter seems to be a popular time for calling in sick with the holidays seeming to be the busiest for illness—especially December when the call-in rate is around 20 percent.  The next most popular month for skipping out of work is July, followed by January and February.  Today is October 22^nd . . . calling in sick might have raised some eyebrows at work as it is not December, January, February, or July!  Plus there were no holidays associated with this particular day—except it is National Nut Day, but that one would have been too obvious.  All my co-workers would have encouraged me to go and be with my people!

The university at which I work is typical in what it allows for “personal days” whether it is vacation or sick days . . . they accumulate over time.  Though they accumulate over time, I have noticed that the vacation days seem to fly the coop at a much faster rate than the sick days.  I imagine it has to do with “purpose”—what is the purpose for taking the personal day.  With vacation the university does not care what you are doing; with the sick days the university expects one to be sick.  Surprisingly the number one reason for using sick days is being sick . . . followed by not wanting to go to work (34 percent), feeling like one needs to relax (29 percent), going to see a doctor (22 percent), catching up on sleep (16 percent), or to run errands.  Boy, it seems as if the definition of being sick is pretty broad . . . 

The other problem I have with calling in sick is that I have never been a great liar . . . oh, I can kid with the best of them, but I am a terrible liar. I think one has to be good at lying to get away with taking a day off using the excuse of being sick . . . or at least be a creative writer or storyteller.  I’d have to take a day off to come up with a great excuse!  Here were some of the more creative excuses people used to skip work:

Employee’s sobriety tool wouldn’t allow the car to start.

Employee forgot he had been hired for the job.

Employee said her dog was having a nervous breakdown.

Employee’s dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation.

Employee’s toes got stuck in the faucet.

Employee said a bird bit her.

Employee was upset after watching the “Hunger Games”.

Employee got sick from reading too much.

Employee was suffering from a broken heart.

Employee’s hair turned orange from dyeing her hair at home.

As good as those excuses were . . . none would work for me.  My car does not have a sobriety tool, that is usually my wife and she will let me know.  I have worked nearly four years for the same place . . . hard to forget that.  My dogs give me more nervous breakdowns than one might imagine.  Never have thought about sticking my toe in the faucet.  The only reason I got upset with the “Hunger Games” was because I spend money seeing it.  I read too much, but I have never gotten sick of reading.  Guess you have to have a heart in order for it to get broken . . . besides my heart has been stomped on so much there is nothing left to break.  And, you’ve got to have hair—any hair—in order to dye it any color . . . even orange!

So . . . I went to work.  I did not join the ranks of the 30 percent.  Nor did I start a career in creative writing.  I did not lie.  I came to work.  But I have been inspired!  I am going to work on my excuses, I am going to learn to lie, and I am going to work up the courage to call in sick.  I am thinking that honesty might be the best policy:

 

What do you think?

Five Minutes . . . Who Knew?

Last week, in Time magazine, they reported a statistic that caught my attention.  The statistic?  Well, Time  magazine reported that five minutes is what an American has to work to afford a beer, according to a new study of the median wages and average beer prices across 150 countries.  The average for most nations is twenty minutes.  Five minutes . . . who knew?

I sure didn’t know that five minutes after starting work I had earned enough to purchase a beer . . . even at my wages!  There must be some pretty cheap beer out there!  Or, there must be some pretty well paid employees out there!  Either way, who knew that five minutes of work could produce enough money to purchase a beer . . . as long as you were not at some major sporting event or a concert.  Five minutes . . .

. . . I am guessing that my boss doesn’t know.  She would probably be questioning why I am so willing to work overtime . . . she’d accuse me of wanting to earn more money for beer.  Hey, can I help it if they university gives time-and-a-half for overtime?  Shoot, working overtime cuts my earning ability in half . . . now it is two and a half minutes! 

Being a “stat geek”, I thought I would check out the math.  Typically I purchase my beer supply on Friday afternoon on the way home from work.  I usually spend about $21.00 for three six-packs of microbrews.  That equates to about $1.16 a beer.  My five minutes of work is worth—surprisingly$1.16!  Who knew?  I didn’t!

I also figured that in a typical eight hour work day I would be able to afford 96 beers.  Ninety-six beers . . . I can already hear the wife giving it to me if I brought home 96 beers . . . that is a whole nearly half a year’s worth of beer at our house!  That’s 480 beers a week . . . 24,960 beers a year . . . not counting overtime at time-and-a-half.  That sort of production would give White Clay, Nebraska a run for its money.  If you don’t know what I am referring to, Google White Clay.

Talk about renewing one’s purpose for work!  I guess I should be thankful that I live in the good ol’ U.S. of A.!  Five minutes . . .  who knew!

Another Day Older and Deeper in Debt

You load sixteen tons, what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

 

According to statistics the average person spends approximately 4.1 years in a job.  With this the average person will work seven to ten different jobs over a lifetime.  Having already reached and passed the half-way point in life (50 years old, if you were wondering), I figure I am way behind on meeting the average requirement at this point.  I'm only thirty percent of the way there and unless I work and switch jobs at least seven more times by the time I am 80 years old--I'm not going make the average!  Yet, at the same time, the way that our nation's retirement plan (Social Security) keeps upping the retirement age, I figure I have a pretty good shot at making the average.  I've got about 26 years to accomplish this!  It is going to be close!

Since jumping into the full-time work force I have basically spent the majority of the past 30-plus years as a minister.  In 2013 it will have been 30 years that I have served as a minister.  Here and there I did dabble in a few other occupations--primarily mental health counseling as a Certified Professional Counselor for a few years and now as a program coordinator for the Montana Center on Disabilities at Montana State University Billings.  I still am working in a small rural church too.  As you can see I am way, way behind the average on this one and it has got me concerned--what is a middle-aged guy, with little experience outside of the religion going to do?

Well, thanks to a recent story by CNBC and reported by MSN.com I do have some choices.  The story listed ten of the best possible careers for people to start after the age of 55.  TEN!  There is still hope for me yet.  I figure that if I pick out at least seven of the jobs--work them for a couple of years--I can become just like everyone else.  The only problem . . . well, it was the jobs that they listed.

Each of the jobs/careers that the story listed were prefaced with the fact that those over the age of fifty have several things going for them that make them desirable for these specific jobs/careers.  People over the age of fifty are wise, stable, dependable, and have experience in life.  I guess they don't know any of my friends . . . but it is nice to be considered those things just because there is a little grey in the hair. 

Here is the list of jobs: (1) Career Coach--I guess if I am in my fifties, in my seventh or eighth career, I should be able to help someone else keep a career.  Yeah, that is the sort of person I want helping me get a career--a job-hopper.  Outside of the ministry I don't think I can be of much help with this one.  Besides, it sounds like a job where I would have to wear a suit and tie--yuck!  (2) Medical Assistant--yeah right, needles scare me . . . blood doesn't thrill me . . . and I look stupid in scrubs.  Nope, that one is off the list too.  (3) Custom Garment Maker: If it isn't a tee shirt and jeans, or a sweat shirt and jeans--solid colors--no fashion sense--no flare, which pretty much describes my wardrobe, it ain't going to happen.  It is another job that involves needles too and I have this nightmare about getting my hand stuck in the sewing machine.  Nope, another one bites the dust!

(4) Assisted Living Facility Professional: Yeah, right!  My children are already planning to put me in one of those facilities next year!  Why in the world would I want to assist someone else in living his or her life when I have a difficult time living my own life.  Maybe my children are right--I'm the one who needs assistance!  Mark that one off the list.  (5) Financial Advisor: Have you seen my finances?  Enough said--mark that one off the list.  A person doesn't make much off of keeping his money under the mattress and I should know.  (6) Tour Guide: Hmmmm . . . this one sounded like it had potential until I figured out that it was a expensive day care for those who afford to take fancy trips to far away exotic places.  I raised my children once and I sure do not want to do it again with a bunch of middle-aged adults re-living spring break.

Now, number seven sounded like it could be fun . . . (7) Private Investigator: I have been told that I can be a bit nosy from time to time--a skill I imagine would be necessary to be a good "private eye".  I would probably be able to endure wearing a crumbled suit and helping mysterious desperate women needing assistance.  Yet, I don't think the wife would go for that one, so it is probably out of the mix too.  But, I have been called a "dick" once or twice and that is half-way there to being a private investigator.  (8) Sustainability Coordinator: Since I did not even know what a Sustainability Coordinator is . . . nor have I ever "sustained" much of anything . . . and I am definitely not "coordinated" in any manner of the word . . . yeah, you got it--off the list!

(9) Ghostwriter: I like writing, but I don't really care to corner myself with one topic like "ghosts"--oh, never mind!  To be a ghost writer one has to be willing to let someone else take the credit for work that he or she does.  If I'm going to do the work, I'm going to take the credit and the BIG paycheck.  If you have heard or read one of my sermons you probably understand why I am not a professional writer.  Hey, come on!  I only have 13 followers of this blog--writing?  I don't think so!  Mark that one off the list!  And, (10) Home Care Assistant: See number four--same old, same old.  Ain't going to happen.

As you can see, it looks kind of bleak for me when it comes to being "average" by the time I reach retirement.  If there is nothing on the "top ten" list of potential careers for those over fifty that I am willing or able to do--what am I going to do?  When my father retired from a career in the Air Force he wanted to have one of those jobs mowing lawns on a base somewhere where the grass stays green all year long.  I didn't see that listed on the CNBC list.  So what am I going to do? 

Someone created a chart about what is on the minds of most 50 year old men.  Having looked at it it made sense to me.  According to the chart, only ten percent of the time is about work--apparently sleep is the most important thought men have after the age of fifty. Here is the chart:

What do you think?  Maybe I should quit worrying about future careers and worry about whether or not I will have any hair on my head to replace that hair that has migrated to other parts of my body--usually parts of the body one does not want extra hair.  Places like the ears and back.  Maybe I should spend more time worrying about my bodily functions--a little extra fiber should take care of that.  Maybe I should just follow the suggestions in the chart and just quit worrying about it.

Yeah, that is what I should do--quit worrying about it.  I should just focus on what I have right now.  The university work is good and for the most part I enjoy it.  The ministry is where I have spent most of my life and I enjoy it.  Don't know much else.  So I think I will just stick to what I have, enjoy the ride, and see how far I get down the road.  In the meantime, I will keep my eyes open for a job doing lawns on a riding mower.  As ol' Tennessee Ernie Ford used to sing: "Another day older and deeper in debt."  I understand that--been doing that most of my life!  Sing it, Ernie!