Why do we always say “It’s colder than Hell
outside”?
I am gearing up for when the daughter,
son-in-law, and granddaughter get back from their little adventure in Alabama
in a couple of weeks. It has been nearly
three months since I have seen the granddaughter and she is rounding the corner
to her second birthday in a couple of months . . . and, she is getting more
verbal. She has always been verbal . . .
she is a talker, but now her verboseness has purpose and meaning . . . she is
wanting to know . . . wanting to learn.
Anyone who has been around an inquisitive toddler knows that means . . .
WHY!
Why?
I do not care what the research states, “No” is not the first word kids
learn in their vocabulary . . . “why” is the first word that they learn. Once they learn “why” they never stop asking
it. The granddaughter is beginning to
ask a lot of questions . . . she is wanting to know . . . and, I am sure that
the primary word out of her mouth will be “why”. Because it will be, I am gearing up . . .
preparing myself for the onslaught of inquisitiveness that only a small child
can produce.
It has been a while since I have had
to deal with answering a lot of the “why” questions from my own children as
they are now all in their mid-twenties and can go look up the answers for
themselves. As they were growing up my
typical response was, “Because.” “Because”
worked for a while, but they learned the trick . . . “Because why?” Which I typically responded with “because I
said so” and a menacing glare . . . I think that lasted about a week. I would venture to say that any of you
reading this who raised kids knows what I am talking about. This is the stage that the granddaughter is
entering . . . this is the stage that I am preparing myself for.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest
but ducks when guns are thrown at him?
Why don’t women put pictures of their missing
husbands on beer cans?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet drink?
I honestly believe that my
granddaughter’s heart is in the right place . . . that she really will want to
know “why”; but, at the same time, a normal human being can only hear the word “why”
about a trillion times before losing it.
At the age that my granddaughter is entering they always ask a trillion
and one times. Besides, it is one of the
eternal questions of life . . . why?
Asking questions is how people
learn. It is how little kids learn. Hopefully they ask the right people . . . I
feel for my granddaughter, her mother, and her father . . . I might not be one of
those “right” people. I am less like
Albert Einstein and more like Earl Pickle.
If you do not know who Earl Pickle is you need to start reading the
funny pages in your newspaper. Earl is
the grandpa who feeds his grandson a whole bunch of nonsensical answers to his
constant questions . . . sometimes there is a little wisdom and common sense
weaved into the answers, but for the most part . . . good ol’ nonsense. My poor granddaughter has an “Earl” for a
grandpa on her mother’s side. My poor
daughter and son-in-law will have a lot of cleaning up to do.
For example, I found a talking Squirt
stuffed animal from the movie Finding
Nemo. Squirt is a sea turtle that
thinks of himself as being a “surfer dude” that includes typical surfer dude
language . . . things like, “Whoa, dude!”
You squeeze Squirt and he says, “Whoa, dude!” This is the sound that my granddaughter
thinks all turtles make. A while back
her parents took her to a zoo in Alabama, saw a turtle, and she told the
zookeeper that turtles say, “Whoa, dude!”
Guess whose fault that misconception is . . . yep, Earl’s . . . no,
mine. But it is cute and I hope she
hangs onto until she gets to school.
Why do drive-up ATMs have instructions in
Braille?
Why do banks charge a fee for “non-sufficient
funds” when they know you don’t have enough money to begin with?
Why do you believe it when someone tells you
that there are a billion stars, but you always check when you see the wet paint
sign?
The poor girl doesn’t have a
chance. She has me for a grandpa. The grandpa who cannot answer a question with
a straight answer. Why does it
thunder? Because God is bowling. Why does it rain? Because God is crying. Why do birds fly? Because it is faster than walking and they
don’t have driver’s licenses. Why is
Grandma so old? Because she married
me. She what I mean . . . the girl doesn’t
have a chance. But, she will have
fun. She will get to laugh a lot. And, she will get to think and be
creative. I’ll be that grandpa who is
full of you-know-what!
So . . . I am gearing up. I am practicing my responses and answers to
questions about “why” . . . and, trust me, there are lots of questions about why.
Here are a few more:
Why is it that everyone driving faster than
you is an idiot, and everyone driving slower is a moron?
Why do people never say “it’s only a game”
when their winning?
Why is it a “penny for your thoughts”, but
you put your “two cents in”?
The best defense is a good
offense. I am preparing myself with a bevy
of “why” questions for my granddaughter.
I figure that if she can rattle off a trillion and one “why” questions .
. . I can come up with a trillion and two.
No half-pint is going to get the best of me! No siree.
I am gearing up . . . I am getting ready. Bring it on, Granddaughter . . . Earl is
ready!
Actually I am really looking forward
to the onslaught . . . I am ready for the questions. Why, do you ask? Because I see this as an opportunity to
really get closer to my granddaughter . . . to spend time with her seeing the
world through her eyes . . . of experiencing “old” things in “new” eyes. I see it as time of great adventure and
exploration of the world I have grown callus of as I have gotten older. I see it as a time of great laughter with
this little inquisitive creature. And, I
see it as a time to build up my supply of silly humor . . . silly humor works
well in sermons!
I am ready.
Bring it on, Shorty!
Bring it on because I have one for
you:
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can
he still hear his iPod?
