Why do we always say “It’s colder than Hell outside”?
I am gearing up for when the daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter get back from their little adventure in Alabama in a couple of weeks. It has been nearly three months since I have seen the granddaughter and she is rounding the corner to her second birthday in a couple of months . . . and, she is getting more verbal. She has always been verbal . . . she is a talker, but now her verboseness has purpose and meaning . . . she is wanting to know . . . wanting to learn. Anyone who has been around an inquisitive toddler knows that means . . . WHY!
Why? I do not care what the research states, “No” is not the first word kids learn in their vocabulary . . . “why” is the first word that they learn. Once they learn “why” they never stop asking it. The granddaughter is beginning to ask a lot of questions . . . she is wanting to know . . . and, I am sure that the primary word out of her mouth will be “why”. Because it will be, I am gearing up . . . preparing myself for the onslaught of inquisitiveness that only a small child can produce.
It has been a while since I have had to deal with answering a lot of the “why” questions from my own children as they are now all in their mid-twenties and can go look up the answers for themselves. As they were growing up my typical response was, “Because.” “Because” worked for a while, but they learned the trick . . . “Because why?” Which I typically responded with “because I said so” and a menacing glare . . . I think that lasted about a week. I would venture to say that any of you reading this who raised kids knows what I am talking about. This is the stage that the granddaughter is entering . . . this is the stage that I am preparing myself for.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when guns are thrown at him?
Why don’t women put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet drink?
I honestly believe that my granddaughter’s heart is in the right place . . . that she really will want to know “why”; but, at the same time, a normal human being can only hear the word “why” about a trillion times before losing it. At the age that my granddaughter is entering they always ask a trillion and one times. Besides, it is one of the eternal questions of life . . . why?
Asking questions is how people learn. It is how little kids learn. Hopefully they ask the right people . . . I feel for my granddaughter, her mother, and her father . . . I might not be one of those “right” people. I am less like Albert Einstein and more like Earl Pickle. If you do not know who Earl Pickle is you need to start reading the funny pages in your newspaper. Earl is the grandpa who feeds his grandson a whole bunch of nonsensical answers to his constant questions . . . sometimes there is a little wisdom and common sense weaved into the answers, but for the most part . . . good ol’ nonsense. My poor granddaughter has an “Earl” for a grandpa on her mother’s side. My poor daughter and son-in-law will have a lot of cleaning up to do.
For example, I found a talking Squirt stuffed animal from the movie Finding Nemo. Squirt is a sea turtle that thinks of himself as being a “surfer dude” that includes typical surfer dude language . . . things like, “Whoa, dude!” You squeeze Squirt and he says, “Whoa, dude!” This is the sound that my granddaughter thinks all turtles make. A while back her parents took her to a zoo in Alabama, saw a turtle, and she told the zookeeper that turtles say, “Whoa, dude!” Guess whose fault that misconception is . . . yep, Earl’s . . . no, mine. But it is cute and I hope she hangs onto until she gets to school.
Why do drive-up ATMs have instructions in Braille?
Why do banks charge a fee for “non-sufficient funds” when they know you don’t have enough money to begin with?
Why do you believe it when someone tells you that there are a billion stars, but you always check when you see the wet paint sign?
The poor girl doesn’t have a chance. She has me for a grandpa. The grandpa who cannot answer a question with a straight answer. Why does it thunder? Because God is bowling. Why does it rain? Because God is crying. Why do birds fly? Because it is faster than walking and they don’t have driver’s licenses. Why is Grandma so old? Because she married me. She what I mean . . . the girl doesn’t have a chance. But, she will have fun. She will get to laugh a lot. And, she will get to think and be creative. I’ll be that grandpa who is full of you-know-what!
So . . . I am gearing up. I am practicing my responses and answers to questions about “why” . . . and, trust me, there are lots of questions about why. Here are a few more:
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is an idiot, and everyone driving slower is a moron?
Why do people never say “it’s only a game” when their winning?
Why is it a “penny for your thoughts”, but you put your “two cents in”?
The best defense is a good offense. I am preparing myself with a bevy of “why” questions for my granddaughter. I figure that if she can rattle off a trillion and one “why” questions . . . I can come up with a trillion and two. No half-pint is going to get the best of me! No siree. I am gearing up . . . I am getting ready. Bring it on, Granddaughter . . . Earl is ready!
Actually I am really looking forward to the onslaught . . . I am ready for the questions. Why, do you ask? Because I see this as an opportunity to really get closer to my granddaughter . . . to spend time with her seeing the world through her eyes . . . of experiencing “old” things in “new” eyes. I see it as time of great adventure and exploration of the world I have grown callus of as I have gotten older. I see it as a time of great laughter with this little inquisitive creature. And, I see it as a time to build up my supply of silly humor . . . silly humor works well in sermons!
I am ready.
Bring it on, Shorty!
Bring it on because I have one for you:
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?