By a Nose . . . Picking

I knew it!

For a long time, I had a sneaky suspicion but never could quite find the evidence I needed to confirm it.  Thanks to my old friend in Michigan, Clif, I stumbled upon the proof I was looking for.  Yesterday, on Facebook, my friend posted: “Get your finger out of your nose.  The internet doctor says it causes all kinds of problems up to and including dementia.”

 

Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Winner, winner, chicken dinner! 

 

Years ago, I wrote a blog about the number one thing that people do while driving . . . they pick their noses!  I bet you thought I was going to say that they sing, but singing was number two.  Number two by a long shot.  Studies have shown that two-thirds of Americans pick their noses while they drive.  That is a lot of nose-picking!

 

Also, over the years, I have written several blogs about driving in Montana.  Driving in Montana is basically an activity that one does at one’s own risk.  Montana ranks (number nine) as one of the most dangerous states to drive in.  Look it up.  I will admit that it is adventurous.  Part of it must do, in my estimation, with the fact that two-thirds of the drivers are picking their noses!  That is why they are so terrible as drivers.  They are losing their minds! 

 

Until now I could never prove it . . . but thanks to my Michigan friend . . . the proof is in the writing.  Nose-picking “causes all kinds of problems up to and including dementia.”

 

As my children were growing up, the wife and I would always get on them about picking their noses.  You know kids, they are always sticking their fingers up their noses.  I jokingly asked them (and now my grandchildren), if they were getting a little low on fluid . . . brain fluid, that is.  The implication was that their finger was like a dipstick for measuring the level of their brain fluid.  We’d tell them that it is unsanitary.  That it would make their nose bleed.  That was gross.  For the most part, they grew out of it . . . or at least that is what I thought.  Now I am not so sure.  After all, two-thirds of Americans pick their noses while driving.  That means some of my children are nosepickers when they drive.  I just don’t know which ones and none of them are up to confessing.

 

Never did I ever think to scare them to quit picking their noses by telling them that it could make them lose their minds.  Research says it is possible.  Research concluded that nose-picking introduces germs into the nasal cavity which trigger the brain to produce beta-amyloid—a sticky protein compound that accumulates in the brain—as a defense mechanism.  Beta-amyloid is believed to be a leading cause of progressive dementia that characterizes Alzheimer’s.  Check out the National Institutes of Health (NIH) research at this link.  Who would have thought!

 

Please understand that dementia and Alzheimer’s is a nasty, complicated, frustrating, sad medical condition that tears families and individuals up.  I know because I have family members who have been crippled by it.  No one would ever wish that on anyone else.  Sadly, it is a growing issue touching more and more people across the world.  And, as such a complicated medical dilemma, it is too simplistic to jump to the conclusion that nose-picking caused any person to ever fall into dementia or Alzheimer’s.  It would be disrespectful to all those affected by this medical issue.

 

Yet, at the same time, I am simple-minded—like most Americans.  In the simplistic renderings of my mind, seeking quick answers to questions . . . well, as I said earlier, this information confirmed that sneaky suspicion I had about all those crazy Montana drivers.

 

Think about it.

 

Two-thirds of all Americans pick their noses while driving.  That means that two-thirds of Montanans pick their noses while driving.

 

Picking one’s nose can lead to dementia and Alzheimer’s.  Both are the losing of one’s mind . . . a wasting away that impairs the ability to remember, think, or make decisions that interfere with doing everyday activities.  That would include driving.

 

Poof!  That proves my point of how I see the craziness of Montana drivers.  They are picking their noses!  Yes, I know . . . that is too simple.  But you must admit that it adds up . . . that it makes sense . . . that it explains a whole bunch.  At least that was what I came up with.  Being a good American, plus knowing I got all the information off the Internet (which we all know is the truth as it is the most reliable source of information) . . . I have run with it.

 

Now that the problem has been named . . . what are we going to do about it?

 

I think the state of Montana ought to offer up a couple of million dollars of the state’s taxpayers to start an anti-nose-picking campaign . . . at least get it off our highways!  Think of all the cool slogans that could be used:

 

“Don’t pick and drive!”

“Snot here!”

“Pickanosis is preventable—just don’t do it!”

“Nose mining prohibited.”

“The nose—a terrible thing to pick.”

“Pick flowers not your nose.”

“Solve the issue—grab a tissue.”

 

It could be a two-prong campaign (one for each nostril) . . . one for health, one for safe driving.  Killing two birds with one stone.  Compared to some of the other spending the state legislators have spent money on, I imagine quite a few Montanans would go for it.  Who doesn’t want safer roadways and health?  I know I would.

 

Another thing that we can do is to do our own part.  I know it will be tough, but we can do it.  We can all vow to stop picking our noses.  It may take one nostril at a time, but we can do it.  The difficulty will be in the fact that Montana is a great big state . . . it is 147,040 miles in size . . . it has 69,567 miles of roads . . . and nothing is close to each other.  Lots of road time, lots of time for nose-picking. Idle hands and boredom lead to picking!  Maybe the state can provide free nose plugs with each driver’s license. 

 

Whatever the case, we just need to stop picking our noses!  It could save a life . . . yours.  It sounds so simple, but then again . . . I am simple.

 

If It Is Printed . . .

. . . it must be true.

One of my favorite news magazines arrived this week in the mail . . . the AARP Bulletin.  It is one of my best sources for blogs, and it did not fail me with its latest edition.  The wife and I began receiving this when we hit the big 5-0, and it has always provided mindless reading while sitting in the library of the house.

Now I know that this drips with sarcasm, but the magazine does get me to thinking from time to time.  In this particular issue (July-August 2014, Volume 55, Number 6) there were several little articles here and there that caught my attention.  And, like the Internet, if they print it, it must be true.

The first one that caught my attention was about “beer and arthritis”.  Seeing how the joints in my thumbs are beginning to cozy up to arthritis . . . and, because I like beer, I thought this article might shed some hope into my sore thumbs.  Oh well, it was a nice thought while it lasted . . . the article was for women.  Basically it stated that researchers at Harvard Medical School (I guess that adds a little clout to the article . . . as if Harvard did not have better things to research than beer and arthritis . . . what about a cure for politicians?) found that if women would have two to four beers a week their chances of getting rheumatoid arthritis is cut by 31 percent . . . at least compared to women who never drink beer.

I mentioned this to the wife over supper since she has complained about arthritis for years . . . despite the smile, I knew it was a “no go” proposition.  She will stick to wine and the benefits is supposedly provides the heart.  Yet, it made me wonder . . . did they use domestic beer (Budweiser or Miller) or did they use any of the hundreds of thousands of microbrews available now?  I would think that the microbrews would increase the odds of not getting arthritis as they are often much more potent than domestic beers.  I also thought that after a couple beers who feels any pain?  Despite my best arguments, the wife said “No”. 

I figure since I have a couple a beers each week . . . despite being male . . . the odds are in my favor that I, too, will not develop rheumatoid arthritis.  I suggested that we have beer with each meal . . . to which the wife said, “No”.  My thumbs are already aching.

I think that they make this stuff up.  Another article stated that according to a Finnish study (Go Finland!) stated that people who are highly cynical are more likely to develop dementia—up to three times more apt to get it.  I understand that all the Finnish researchers were graduates of Harvard Medical School.  Sounds like a bunch of poppycock to me . . . but, I really can’t remember what I was thinking in the first place.  Maybe I have had too many beers fighting off arthritis.

One of my favorite in the latest issue of news from AARP  was one on a website that offers free spiritual support 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for free.  The service is called Chaplains on Hand and is a part of the Healthcare Chaplaincy Network.  The site offers a certified professional chaplain—take your pick of Protestant, Catholic, or Jewish—to offer spiritual comfort and support to anyone, regardless of religious beliefs.  In other words, they serve anyone at any time.    The site was created for those who are grieving or facing an illness and for those who provide care to them. At the site there is information, a chaplain who will answer questions and provide support, and even take a prayer request if needed—all for free.  Who needs the real McCoy when you can it one right from the privacy of one’s own home?  You can check out the site at http://chaplainsonhand.org/cms/index.php.

I thought it was fairly biblical in that there were only twelve—count them—twelve chaplains . . . didn’t Jesus have twelve disciples . . . weren’t there twelve tribes of Israel?  Pretty biblical if you ask me.  The site seems to have everything that convenience spirituality offers . . . there is a quiz you can take to determine your spirituality, a place to put prayer requests, plus a whole bunch of stuff that they are selling through the network.  There is also a place to make a financial contribution if one is inclined to do so . . . starts at twenty-five dollars and goes on up to “other” (which must be more than the $500 that was in the previous box).  Most of the clergy I know do not charge people for offering spiritual assistance.  If I walked into a parishioner’s home, offered some pastoral care, said a prayer, and then stuck out my hand for a cash donation . . . well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be at that church for long.  Yet, in this day and age of everything technological, why not one’s spirituality in a time of need.  A few clicks and one is closer to God.

My thought was . . . why didn’t I think of this?

Then the last article to catch my attention was one about the odds of older couples getting divorced . . . in particular when one spouse gets sick.  According to the article, researchers at the University of Michigan looked at 20 years of data on 2,717 marriages of couple age 50 or older.  They discovered that if the wife came down with a serious illness that the odds are greater that her husband would divorce her . . . while if the male spouse came down with a serious illness the wife would typically stick it out with her husband.  I did not know that they did research at the University of Michigan . . . I thought they were a football school.  I don’t understand why they only researched 2,717 couples . . . an odd number that seems to skew the statistics . . . and, I am not sure what this is actually saying.

I mentioned the article to my wife.  Of course she stated women are more compassionate and empathetic, and because they are they are more apt to stick with their spouse despite a grave illness.  Men, she stated, are dolts!  Then she looked me in the eyes and asked, “You are not having any thoughts are you?  You’d stick by side, wouldn’t you?”  Hmmm . . . I think I might have paused too long in answering.  I told her to have another beer.

Of course there were lots of other articles throughout the magazine, but these were the ones that caught my attention.  They must be true because the AARP wasted the ink to print them . . . if they printed them, they must be true.  Besides, the AARP would never lie to a person on the brink of becoming a full-fledged elder of society.  So, as my thumbs ached, I drank my beer in homes of avoiding further arthritis (despite being a male . . . if it is good enough for Mama, it is good enough for me), contemplating what I would do if the wife ever got sick—really, really sick, and hoping that the on-call chaplain is ready for my questions.  They have probably never had a person like me call . . . scary. Besides, I think I have that I am feeling a little under the weather . . . I hear there is a computer virus going around.  Maybe I will contact the researchers at Harvard Medical School . . . surely they can help.