By a Nose . . . Picking

I knew it!

For a long time, I had a sneaky suspicion but never could quite find the evidence I needed to confirm it.  Thanks to my old friend in Michigan, Clif, I stumbled upon the proof I was looking for.  Yesterday, on Facebook, my friend posted: “Get your finger out of your nose.  The internet doctor says it causes all kinds of problems up to and including dementia.”

 

Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Winner, winner, chicken dinner! 

 

Years ago, I wrote a blog about the number one thing that people do while driving . . . they pick their noses!  I bet you thought I was going to say that they sing, but singing was number two.  Number two by a long shot.  Studies have shown that two-thirds of Americans pick their noses while they drive.  That is a lot of nose-picking!

 

Also, over the years, I have written several blogs about driving in Montana.  Driving in Montana is basically an activity that one does at one’s own risk.  Montana ranks (number nine) as one of the most dangerous states to drive in.  Look it up.  I will admit that it is adventurous.  Part of it must do, in my estimation, with the fact that two-thirds of the drivers are picking their noses!  That is why they are so terrible as drivers.  They are losing their minds! 

 

Until now I could never prove it . . . but thanks to my Michigan friend . . . the proof is in the writing.  Nose-picking “causes all kinds of problems up to and including dementia.”

 

As my children were growing up, the wife and I would always get on them about picking their noses.  You know kids, they are always sticking their fingers up their noses.  I jokingly asked them (and now my grandchildren), if they were getting a little low on fluid . . . brain fluid, that is.  The implication was that their finger was like a dipstick for measuring the level of their brain fluid.  We’d tell them that it is unsanitary.  That it would make their nose bleed.  That was gross.  For the most part, they grew out of it . . . or at least that is what I thought.  Now I am not so sure.  After all, two-thirds of Americans pick their noses while driving.  That means some of my children are nosepickers when they drive.  I just don’t know which ones and none of them are up to confessing.

 

Never did I ever think to scare them to quit picking their noses by telling them that it could make them lose their minds.  Research says it is possible.  Research concluded that nose-picking introduces germs into the nasal cavity which trigger the brain to produce beta-amyloid—a sticky protein compound that accumulates in the brain—as a defense mechanism.  Beta-amyloid is believed to be a leading cause of progressive dementia that characterizes Alzheimer’s.  Check out the National Institutes of Health (NIH) research at this link.  Who would have thought!

 

Please understand that dementia and Alzheimer’s is a nasty, complicated, frustrating, sad medical condition that tears families and individuals up.  I know because I have family members who have been crippled by it.  No one would ever wish that on anyone else.  Sadly, it is a growing issue touching more and more people across the world.  And, as such a complicated medical dilemma, it is too simplistic to jump to the conclusion that nose-picking caused any person to ever fall into dementia or Alzheimer’s.  It would be disrespectful to all those affected by this medical issue.

 

Yet, at the same time, I am simple-minded—like most Americans.  In the simplistic renderings of my mind, seeking quick answers to questions . . . well, as I said earlier, this information confirmed that sneaky suspicion I had about all those crazy Montana drivers.

 

Think about it.

 

Two-thirds of all Americans pick their noses while driving.  That means that two-thirds of Montanans pick their noses while driving.

 

Picking one’s nose can lead to dementia and Alzheimer’s.  Both are the losing of one’s mind . . . a wasting away that impairs the ability to remember, think, or make decisions that interfere with doing everyday activities.  That would include driving.

 

Poof!  That proves my point of how I see the craziness of Montana drivers.  They are picking their noses!  Yes, I know . . . that is too simple.  But you must admit that it adds up . . . that it makes sense . . . that it explains a whole bunch.  At least that was what I came up with.  Being a good American, plus knowing I got all the information off the Internet (which we all know is the truth as it is the most reliable source of information) . . . I have run with it.

 

Now that the problem has been named . . . what are we going to do about it?

 

I think the state of Montana ought to offer up a couple of million dollars of the state’s taxpayers to start an anti-nose-picking campaign . . . at least get it off our highways!  Think of all the cool slogans that could be used:

 

“Don’t pick and drive!”

“Snot here!”

“Pickanosis is preventable—just don’t do it!”

“Nose mining prohibited.”

“The nose—a terrible thing to pick.”

“Pick flowers not your nose.”

“Solve the issue—grab a tissue.”

 

It could be a two-prong campaign (one for each nostril) . . . one for health, one for safe driving.  Killing two birds with one stone.  Compared to some of the other spending the state legislators have spent money on, I imagine quite a few Montanans would go for it.  Who doesn’t want safer roadways and health?  I know I would.

 

Another thing that we can do is to do our own part.  I know it will be tough, but we can do it.  We can all vow to stop picking our noses.  It may take one nostril at a time, but we can do it.  The difficulty will be in the fact that Montana is a great big state . . . it is 147,040 miles in size . . . it has 69,567 miles of roads . . . and nothing is close to each other.  Lots of road time, lots of time for nose-picking. Idle hands and boredom lead to picking!  Maybe the state can provide free nose plugs with each driver’s license. 

 

Whatever the case, we just need to stop picking our noses!  It could save a life . . . yours.  It sounds so simple, but then again . . . I am simple.

 

I Gotta Nose

Of course, Pinocchio had a big nose . . . after all, he was a male.  According to a recent study, the noses of men are ten percent larger than those of women.  At least that is what the researchers at the University of Iowa concluded after conducting a study of thirty-eight individuals who were enrolled as participants.  The participants began the study at age three and continued until their mid-twenties.  The study was called the “Iowa Facial Growth Study” and was published in The American Journal of Physical Anthropology.  Basically, from what I get out of all the scientific jargon in the article, they had their noses measured throughout this time period.

Now, the common sense in me would lead me to think that men have larger noses than women because most men are larger than women . . . the bigger you, the bigger your nose.  Makes sense to me.  I am an average sized male and I like to think that my nose is fairly average in its size.  But . . . NO!  According to the researchers, the larger schnozzes are simply nature’s way of fueling the lean muscle mass that men have in higher proportion than women.  Apparently men have more lean muscle mass than women . . . lean muscle mass needs more oxygen because they use more energy that fat muscle mass.  It seems that the nose doesn’t have much to do with the rest of the head or skull despite its central and prominent location smack dab in the middle of it all . . . the nose’s function plays an important role in the respiratory system.

As a kid I never paid much attention to my nose . . . except those times when I was really bored.  When I was bored it seemed that I usually had a finger stuck up it mining for boogers.  As a child it seemed that my nose made an abundance of boogers . . . boogers that little girls hated and screamed about whenever you approached them with a booger encrusted finger.  As a kid, the nose was just a booger factory . . . and, a snot producer.  Nothing slicker than snot.  Some wise--it might have been a wise ass--adult , once told me that snot was nothing more than brain lubricant . . . and, that when a person had a runny nose he or she was losing brain lubricant.  Hey, I was a smart kid—some might say, smart ass kid, and I figured a snappy response whenever my parents told me to quit putting my finger up my nose.  I started responding, “But I checking to see if I’m low on brain lubricant!”  Thankfully, I grew up . . . yet, there are those moments, even as an adult, that the nostalgia of nose picking urges me on to check out the ol’ nose pocket.

Up through the age of eleven . . . about the time puberty sets in . . . there is not much difference in the size of noses of boys and girls.  It is around the age of eleven that the ol’ snout begins to sprout.  This is when boys begin to start acquiring more lean muscle mass . . . meaning they are getting bigger and stronger (which one would think would support my original hypothesis).  More lean muscle mass needs more oxygen thus the body starts constructing a bigger and better nose.  The snout begins to sprout.  Pinocchio is born!

Remember now, this is scientific research in which millions of dollars was poured . . . so, it has to be right.  Yet, there are those out there in the real world who would argue that the reason men have big noses is to have better smelling ability.  One theory is that God created men with bigger noses so that they could smell scents better . . . in particular, the female scent . . . so that, well, reproduction could occur.  It was a matter of survival.  In this case, I guess the nose still has no real function for the face or skull . . . not even the lungs, but for regions farther south.  It is sort of like the Big Bad Wolf in Little Red Riding Hood . . . my, Grandma, what big ears you have (the better to hear you my dear) . . . my Grandma, what a big nose you have (the better to smell you my dear) . . . then when she gets to the teeth if is all over.  As popular as this theory of sniffer size is, it does not hold a whole lot of brain lubricant.

As I stated earlier, I have an average nose . . . it is not too big, it is not too small . . . it fits my face . . . and, it functions as it is supposed to.  In comparison to most the females I know, it isn’t that much larger than theirs unless they are smaller than me (again, there it is . . . my hypothesis).  Yet, I am a guy, and we guys rarely seem to beat women at much in life . . . seems women are up on men two-to-one whenever there are comparisons.  So, I am going to take this proboscis victory and celebrate it for what it is . . . a lessening of the gap between men and women.  I celebrate my ten percent margin of size over women . . . I stick it up in the air . . . for once, winning by a nose feels good.  Who would have thought that Pinocchio would be a male sex symbol thanks to his nose.

Now you nose!