Pssst . . . Got Walnuts?

I never imagined the day would come when I would have to slink around in the dark corners of the crime-infested corners of communities to get my hands on . . . walnuts!  Yeah, that is what I wrote . . . walnuts.  Following a link on a friend’s Facebook post, I learned that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) of our nation’s government has declared that walnuts are drugs . . . not even legal drugs at that.  At least that is what they wrote in a letter to Diamond Foods, a major producer of walnuts.  This stuff is so good, I couldn’t make it up . . . you can read the article for yourself at http://www.realfarmacy.com/walnuts-are-drugs-says-fda/. 

Apparently the problem comes from the fact that Diamond Foods has jumped on the “healthy” bandwagon to sell its nut products to an ever-growing populace demanding healthier products to eat.  Diamond Foods proclaimed—based on nearly a hundred research articles by leading scientists—that walnuts can improve vascular health and may even reduce the risk of heart attacks.  In other words, walnuts are good for a person’s health.  The issue is that none of these scholarly, researched-based proclamations have been approved or endorsed by the FDA.  Because the FDA has not approved these claims . . . approved the research backing them . . . they have threatened to seize the company if it does not stop making such statements to the public.  As far as the FDA is concerned, walnuts are an illegal drug.

Now, I am not a big fan of walnuts.  They are not one of my favorite nuts.  They have a sort of bitter taste to my taste buds; but, I can put up with a few of them showing up in my food every so often.  The wife, on the other hand, finds walnuts a necessity . . . especially around the holiday seasons of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We are about to enter into the stretch of the holidays, and she is going to be wanting her walnuts.  I can picture it now, I will be wandering the darken streets of the big city down the road . . . hanging out in obscure parking lots . . . looking for the contraband.  Psst . . . got walnuts?  I imagine, because they are illegal and in demand, the price of street walnuts will be outrageous.  Look what the FDA has created . . . good citizens, resorting to a life of crime, to get walnuts.

Silly, isn’t it?

There are cries that this is a conspiracy of some sort that involves both the junk food industry and the pharmaceutical companies . . . it figures.  I think I read in Time magazine recently that they were behind the assassination of President Kennedy in 1963.  These are not entities to mess around with . . . they are big and powerful . . . lots of money, and lots to lose if people actually started eating and living more healthy.  It is rumored that they have their lobbyists deep in the bowels of the FDA.  With much to lose, they are pushing the FDA to stomp the living crud out of any product that proclaims longer and better and healthier lives.

Walnuts are not the first healthy food to take a hit from the FDA.  Apparently the makers of pomegranate juice and green tea have been slapped around by the FDA with similar threats for proclaiming healthy benefits from using their products.  I am surprised that bananas haven’t been outlawed yet . . . bananas are one of the best sources of potassium—especially for older folks.  Isn’t the old adage, “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”, cause enough to gain it on the banned list of the FDA?  It won’t be long before illegal fruit and nut markets will be springing up in obscure locations--where the police can’t find them, to sell all those health food junkies their necessary fixes.

Now, I am not a health food nut . . . nope, far from it.  I am one of the last holdouts in a family in which everyone else is turning to healthier foods.  My children and their spouses are all going organic and healthy.  The wife is going organic and healthy.  They are forcing this regime of healthiness on me against my will . . . telling me it is for me . . . to make me healthier . . . to live longer . . . because they love me. Less red meat, more chicken . . . more fruit and vegetables . . . more nuts . . . and, it has to be organic!  I am starving to death!  My taste buds are rebelling. 

And now, my family is forcing me into a life of crime to keep them fed in such a way that they remain healthy.   So, maybe, just maybe, there is a silver lining to this dark FDA cloud . . . none of the family would want to see me go to jail over buying illegal foods no matter how healthy they might be for us.  Hey, we are law abiding citizens in this family . . . and, illegal is illegal.  I know . . . it is a long stretch of the imagination.  The fact is, the FDA is silly.  Silly in proclaiming something as absurd as walnuts to be an illegal drug.  But, what do we expect . . . after all it is the federal government we are talking about here!

Psst . . . got walnuts?  Apples?  Bananas?  I’ve got cash if you have the stuff!