Seeing Red . . .
. . . as in BIG RED. Taking advantage of having some comp time at the university I took last Friday off. Unbeknownst to me, while I a day off, my co-workers did a little redecorating of my office. My co-workers proceeded to turn my office into a shrine to all things related to the University of Nebraska Husker football team . . . and a few things Nebraskan. I must admit that they did a great job as they decorated my office with pictures, red tissue paper, and jokes taped all over the place. Nothing was left untouched. It was quite a sight!
To say the least I must admit that I admire their creativity and fortitude in achieving the task of creating all things “Husker”. Though it took a little time to re-arrange my office back to its original configuration, I had to laugh. I had to laugh because they found some pretty darn good jokes—some of which I had never heard. It is hard to be mad at people who respect you enough to trash your office with your favorite team and make you laugh. I imagine it took them quite some time.
It is only ten days before the Huskers start their season against Southern Mississippi . . . a real powerhouse of the type that Big Red usually has difficulty. Big Red Nation has been counting down the days until that kickoff since they checked in the last piece of equipment after the bowl season in January. This is a big deal . . . nothing happens on the days that Big Red Nation gathers for the “big game” (they are all big games in Nebraska). Ask the wife . . . she could tell you some stories.
This year my kickoff tribute to all things Big Red is not going to be the poetic hyperbole of the past . . . nope, I’m taking the humorous route this year. I am going to share some of the new jokes I learned from having my office trashed. I hope that you enjoy them . . .
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor flaw: She was a Hawkeye and he was a Cyclone. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Hawkeye fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there were an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, “Yes, it’s a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a Hawkeye fan.”
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. “Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel, instead of removing half of your brain we removed ¾ of it. How do you feel?”
The man sat up, looked around, and said, “GO HUSKERS!”
A female ISU graduate is on an airplane. A male passenger sits next to her, and immediately begins to shamelessly hit on her. This goes on for half the flight. Finally, during a lull in the conversation, the girl says, “So, you graduated from Nebraska, huh/”
The man replies in a surprised voice, “Yes, yes I did! How did you know? Was it my wit? My sophistication? My savior faire?”
“Nope,” the girl says, “I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose.”
A Texas fan, a Nebraska fan, and an Iowa State fan were out riding horses one day. At one point, the Texas fan pulled out a bottle of expensive bourbon, took a long swig, threw the bottle to the ground, pulled out a pistol and shot it.
“What are you doing?” asked the Nebraska fan. “That was perfectly good whiskey.”
“In Texas, we have more whiskey than we need,” said the Longhorn fan, “And bottles are cheap.”
They rode along for a while, and the Nebraska fan was thinking. Then he pulled out a bottle of champagne, opened it, took a swig, threw down the bottle, pulled out his pistol and shot the bottle. “What are you doing?” asked the Cyclone fan. “That was perfectly good champagne.”
“In Nebraska,” said the Husker fan, “We have more champagne than we need, and the bottles are cheap.”
They rode along for a while, and then the Cyclone fan pulled out a bottle of beer, drank the whole thing, put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his pistol and shot the Nebraska fan. “What are you doing?” asked the Texas fan.
“In Iowa,” replied the Cyclone fan, “We have more Husker fans than we need, but bottles are worth a nickel a piece.”
Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini will only dress ten players for the ISU/NU game. The rest can actually dress themselves!
During the Battle of Little Big Horn, Custer asked his Indian scout for an assessment.
Scout: Well, General, I’ve got good news and bad news.
Custer: Give me the bad news first.
Scout: There are thousands of Indians here who are well armed. We are virtually surrounded and almost out of ammo. It looks very, very bleak.
Custer: Oh, that does sound bad, but what is the good news?
Scout: Well, it looks like we won’t have to go back across Nebraska . . .
And, finally, a blow against Colorado: Colorado and Nebraska have decided to merge into one state. Nebraskans gain the mountains, and Colorado gets a football team.
In ten days the season kicks off . . . For the next couple of months I will be dressed in red on Saturdays . . . living and dying as the Huskers play. The noise you hear from the house will be either the joy of victory or the lament of defeat. But, no matter what, no matter how you cut me, I will be bleeding red . . . just like a true Husker fan. I can laugh now, the season is still only ten days away . . . but after September first . . . well, I don’t laugh as easily at Husker jokes. GO BIG RED!!
Oh yeah, before I go, my favorite University of Montana Grizzlies joke:
Two big University of Montana Grizzly football players come hooting and hollering as they enter a local drinking establishment. They yell out to the bartender, “Drinks for everyone . . . we’re celebrating!” Then they continue to hoot and holler with all the patrons in the bar. This goes on for about thirty minutes with the two players buying everyone drinks.
“So, what’s the big deal? You guys win a big game?” asks the bartender.
“Nope,” they reply.
“Well, then, what is the big deal?”
“We are celebrating putting together a jigsaw puzzle . . . and it only took us six months to complete the thing!”
“What’s the big deal about that . . . that is nothing special . . . six months . . . anyone can do it!”
“No way,” says one of the players, “the box said two to four years and we did it in six months!”
Remember . . . it is better to laugh now than later . . . the season hasn’t started!