A Worthy Tribute—Poop

 

Finally!  A tribute has been erected—although temporary—for individuals who stormed the nation’s capital on January 6^th, 2021.  This homage to the “patriots” as Donald Trump cans them sits on the National Mall in Washington, D.C.  It was about time that these “insurrectionists”—oops, I mean “patriots”—received a recognition fittingly acknowledging their bravery on that day.  The artwork is titled The Resolute Desk, but it has earned the more popular name of The Poop Desk.  It is fitting and appropriate tribute to those “patriots” who heroically rose up to save the nation from the ramifications of an election stolen from Donald Trump.

The temporary artwork . . . a bronze statue of poop plopped atop the desk of former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi . . . went on display across from the capital building on the National Mall on October 24^th and will remain there until October 31^st.  A plaque accompanying the statue reads:

 

“This memorial honors the brave men and women who broke into the United States Capitol on January 6^th, 2021, to loot, urinate, and defecate throughout those hallowed halls in order to overturn an election.  President Trump celebrates these heroes of January 6^th as ‘unbelievable patriots’ and ‘warriors.’  This monument stands as a testament to their daring sacrifice and lasting legacy.”

 

Apparently, the artist/sculptor speaks with “tongue in cheek.”  It reeks of irony . . . sarcasm . . . humor.  I suppose though it depends on how you look at it and which side you are on.  I think it is funny. . . and protected—get this—the First Amendment.  Ironic, huh?

 

Humanity likes to honor those who are admired and seen as heroes by erecting statues, memorials, and other tributes.  The National Mall in Washington, D.C. is filled with such tributes and memorials—the Lincoln and Jefferson Memorials, the Washington Monument, the Viet Nam Wall, the Holocaust Memorial, M.L. King, Jr. statue, and many others.  If one is to fall in step with Donald Trump then it is fitting that the “insurrectionists”—dang, did it again . . . I mean “patriots”—of the January 6^th, 2021, peaceful protest should have their own too.  Even if it is only temporary.  They earned it.  They deserve it.

 

It is estimated that approximately 1,500 people were charged with federal crimes for their actions on January 6^th, 2021.  More than 1,100 were found guilty of their crimes.  Over 600 received prison sentences.  The trials continue . . . hundreds of them.  It was definitely a revolt . . . a day of violence . . . a day of mayhem.  Trump, as the Republican candidate for president, has called it a “day of love” and speaks glowingly of those arrested as “patriots.”

 

Day of love!!!

 

Over 140 law enforcement officers were injured, people lost their careers, some even lost their lives.  It was a day that our nation’s democracy was assaulted.  The majority of the nation was appalled . . . sickened . . . angry . . . with what Trump calls a “day of love.”  If what took place that day was a “day of love” . . . well, watch out!  Trump is promising to dole out some more “love” whether he wins the election or not.

 

These people broke the law when they stormed the nation’s capital to stop the certification of the election.  An election that has been proven repeatedly to be lawful, legitimate, and fair.  Most of these people admitted guilt for their crimes.  They were convicted.  Sadly, they are caught up in the lies and rhetoric of the one who will eventually have his day in court . . . maybe!  If Trump wins the election, he will shower the “patriots” not with “love” but pardons—all of them, including himself.  Which is a bunch of poop.

 

It has been poop from day one with Trump and his self-appointed “patriots” spreading their “love” for our nation.  Thus, the temporary monument honoring the January 6^th “patriots” and the party of Make America Great Again is fitting.  It summarizes it all quite well in such a way that everyone can grasp its meaning.  It is poop and it is just revving up because it is not over.  There is more to come no matter whether Trump wins or loses the election—a real poop show.  Why?  Because Trump loves us . . . love our nation.  Watch your back.  In the meantime, enjoy the fittingly appropriate monument of those brave and heroic “patriots.”

 

Smile . . . its humor. 

 

(To see the story as reported in the news, go to this LINK.)

Gut Check Postponed

Okay . . . I am “man” enough to admit it . . . I wimped out of my colonoscopy.  According to the Mayo Clinic staff a colonoscopy “is an exam used to detect changes or abnormalities in the large intestine (colon) and rectum.  During a colonoscopy, a long, flexible tube (colonoscope) is inserted into the rectum. A tiny video camera at the tip of the tube allows the doctor to view the inside of the entire colon.  If necessary, polyps or other types of abnormal tissue can be removed through the scope during a colonoscopy. Tissue samples (biopsies) can be taken during a colonoscopy as well.”  Just the way I envisioned spending a Friday afternoon . . . being probed by an invasive tube up my bum while it is all being recorded by a mini-video camera for future prosperity . . . well, at least I hope it is a miniature video camera as a full-sized one would really, really hurt! 

The suggestion is that starting at age fifty a person should get a colonoscopy once every five years . . . I am nearing the age of 57.  I have yet to have my first colonoscopy despite the annual grilling by my doctor to have it done.  I must admit the doctor is pretty persistent . . . pretty patient, too . . . while calmly suggesting it each time I pop in for my annual check-up.  It is working as I have been weakening over the years and actually agreed to schedule one.  It was scheduled for the end of this week . . . on a Friday afternoon.  I canceled it . . . I mean, I postponed it . . . for late July.  I was not ready for the gut check!

For the most part, I have to admit that I did not give the colonoscopy much thought . . . until the last two weeks.  In the last two weeks it had become a growing concern taking up more and more of my free time.  Shoot!  It is practically springtime here in Montana and instead of thinking about all the wonderful activities I could be doing in the nearby mountains, I was thinking about a procedure to my body where no person had ever gone before.  Any sane person would have to honestly admit that the mere mention of “colonoscopy” sends shivers up one’s spine from the portal entrance in the southern hemisphere of the body.  I know it did me.  The more I thought about the more I began to regret that the doctor had caught me in an agreeable mood . . . I didn’t want anybody—especially a stranger—probing me with a mini-video camera no matter how much they assured me that it was for the good of my health.  It sounded invasive . . . uncomfortable . . . and, even painful.  It struck me as undignified and embarrassing.  Struck me as being dirty in more ways than one.

So, I wimped out.  Well, not completely . . . I did reschedule for late July.

The wife was sympathetic . . . at least she respected me enough to not snicker and laugh in my presence.  No, she waited for me to turn my back.  She had one done a little over a year ago.  Claims that it was not that bad.  I am not sure who she is fooling.  I was there . . . well, I wasn’t actually there for the actual colonoscopy . . . but, I was there for everything leading up to it and after it.  It was not a pleasant time.

I witnessed the pre-colonoscopy ritual of depositing the suppository to get things moving.  I watched as she drank the wonder drink that set the bowels in motion.  I saw how as the evening progressed she moved closer and closer to the bathroom and the throne.  I remember being woke up all through the night as she hurried to the bathroom . . . the sighs of relief . . . and the cacophony that created a new name for the bathroom—Thunder Dome!  It was not a walk in the park.  The wife was not a happy camper especially when this all took place after spending a day fasting.

One doesn’t easily erase such memories from one’s mind.

Besides the invasiveness of the procedure, I was not too thrilled with giving up eating for a whole day.  Yes, I am sure that I have an ample supply of nourishment stored on my body that I would easily survive a 24-hour period without food . . . my body would survive; but, my mind thought otherwise.  Such thoughts were not bolstering my will to get on with the procedure.  It made me hungry just thinking about it.  I hate being hungry even for a good cause like my health!

Then after a day of fasting the only thing that I get is a suppository . . . and, lots of yucky fluids to drink . . . all for the purpose of creating a riot to get my bowels moving.  I have heard my bowels when they are not happy . . . it is a scary sound that rumbles out and often signals bad things.  This part of the pre-procedure is meant to waken these sleeping giants to expel all that waste.  It is an endless parade of farting and pooping until a person can no longer fart or poop.  Well, I have never had much trouble with either one . . . I can do it with the best of them.  But . . . NO . . . the doctor wants to help clean out the ol’ pipes.  Charmin tissues ain’t even going to bring much comfort to this scenario . . . hungry, farting, and pooping . . . sounds like a Saturday morning from my college days living with five other guys.

That right there was enough to bring apprehension towards my waning willingness to go through with the colonoscopy.  Yet, everyone kept telling me that it would be okay because they put you under for the procedure . . . a person doesn’t remember anything.  A little gas and the next thing you remember is the nurse encouraging you to pass a little gas before you can go home.  I do not do well with anesthesiology.  In previous surgeries I have caught pneumonia, near-pneumonia, and extra time in the hospital.  Plus I have had to endure the stories about the silly things that I have said to the doctor, the nurses, and my wife . . . seems I am quite entertaining when knocked out.  Going under is not one of my favorite things . . . and, who knows what they do when a person is knocked out.  Makes me shudder whenever I think about it.

So, I wimped out . . . called and rescheduled.  The wife understood, despite trying to keep a straight face and suppressing her giggles.  The nurse on the other end of the line understood even though I could hear her muffling the phone to hide her laughter.  The doctor probably figured that it would get him out on the golf course that much sooner . . . and, that he would eventually get me . . . somewhere down the line, he would get me.  At this moment it is a relief for me . . . a huge pain in the rear removed for the time being.  I am sure I will be embarrassed about wimping out down the road . . . probably even feel guilty about not taking it like a “man”.  But, for me it made sense . . . it was a relief.

I can joke about it.  I have been told that a person has to have a sense of humor about colonoscopies.  Others before me have.  Here are a few of the things they had to say to their doctors about the whole procedure:

• ·        "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

before!"

• ·        "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

• ·        "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

• ·        “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

• ·        "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

• ·        "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

And, my favorite one:

• ·        "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up

there.”

Confession is good for the soul . . . this confession was good for my rear . . . at least for another couple of months.  So, bring it on.  All of you colonoscopy veterans, bring it on.  Hit me with your best shot . . . I can take it.  It beats starving one’s self for a day, planting a suppository, drinking yucky stuff, and spending a whole night worshiping in the Thunder Dome farting and pooping before being abruptly probed in an invasive procedure sure to bring nightmares in the days and weeks to come.  Go ahead, I can take it.

Besides the day is coming.  I can run, but I cannot hide.  I told you, the doctor is patient and persistent . . . he almost got me this time.  He senses the kill . . . my time is coming.  Shoot, I feel a bilabial fricative even now!  And, I ain’t tooting my horn.  The guts know that they will get me in the end!

I Laugh

“Laughter is the language of the soul.”

(Pablo Neruda)

“Laughter is an instant vacation.”

(Milton Berle)

“A day without laughter is a wasted day.”

(Unknown)

“Laughter is the closest distance between two people.”

(Victor Borge)

“Embrace me with laughter.”

(Unknown)

I do not know too many people who don’t like to laugh . . . I like to laugh.  I like to laugh every day.  Laughter makes me feel good . . . and, I like to feel good.  So, I laugh.  Besides, science is proving that laughter is good for people according its research over the years.  I think it is silly that there has been millions upon millions paying to research the value and implications of laughter in the lives of people . . . especially knowing that people already had a pretty good idea that laughter was beneficial in the long run.  But now we have proof, and if science says it is true then it has to be true . . . sort of like anything one reads on the Internet . . . that is where I found the information about the benefits of laughter—on the Internet.  If you would like to consider this research for yourself please go to this link—it’s got to be true, it is on the Internet.

The first benefit to laughter, according to the research was . . . more sex.  Actually their title for this was misleading.  There is no guarantee that laughter would lead to more sex . . . not at all.  What it stated was that women like men who have a good sense of humor . . . one of the most requested things on dating sites . . . because they believe that men with a sense of humor are more intelligent and thus better providers than those without a sense of humor.  Well, if this is true, then I have to be one of the sexiest men alive.  I have a sense of humor that doesn’t stop . . . intelligence off the charts . . . and, if that is what women are looking for then I give Larry the Cable Guy a decent run for the money in the sexiest man department.  Well, maybe not . . . I might be too intelligent for my own good.  My humor tends to run on the dry side . . . an acquired taste that take a little intelligence to sometimes comprehend.  When women don’t get the joke it kind of drives down the sexy found in humor whether or not I am rolling on the floor laughing at my own jokes.  I’m not quite sure why they labeled “more sex” as one of the benefits of laughter . . . but, then again . . . who knows what goes on behind closed doors!

The second benefit of laughter is that it makes you happy . . . duh!  The researchers could have saved themselves a couple of hundred thousand if they had just paid me to tell them what I already knew . . . laughter makes me feel good.  But, no, they had to research it.  What they discovered that laughter releases endorphins.  Endorphins are what are released by the body when it is exercised and makes people feel good . . . what they call runner’s high.  In fact, researchers say that a person who laughs a hundred times is getting the same benefit as someone who exercises strenuously for fifteen minutes.  Norman Cousins said, “Laughter is a form of internal jogging.” 

I wish they had determined this years ago when I was an active and addicted runner putting in lots and lots of miles every day.  True, after running I always felt great . . . but, later, when the muscles started aching and the shin splints were acting up . . . I would have loved to gotten the same benefit by just laughing.  At my age the odds are better that I will get my endorphins from laughing than I would ever get running.  If I have to go a few miles I will hop in the car, put on a Bob Newhart tape, and get my exercise in through laughter.  Easier on the body . . . now, if they would only get my Fitbit to record the benefits of laughter I might eventually get that six-pack without having to buy it down at the grocery store.

The third benefit, and one I am now eternally grateful to know, is that laughter helps you poop.  Laughter balances blood pressure which improves circulation that improves digestion . . . which leads to better and easier poop.  That is probably why I enjoy reading the comics from the newspaper while taking the morning constitutional . . . laughter moves me in more ways than one.  Isn’t the bathroom . . . or what we have christen as the “library” . . . where most people keep all the copies of The Far Side, Calvin and Hobbes, and For Better or Worse?  Laughter moves us in more ways than we realize, though I do have a difficult time when it comes to the comic strip Blondie.

Benefit number four is that it boosts the immune system.  Apparently laughter helps people avoid the common cold by boosting certain chemicals in the body that boost the immune system.  People who laugh seem to get less sick than those who don’t laugh.  In all honesty it has been years since I have been sick enough to be in bed.  I guess it is all of that laughter over the years . . . I’m probably good for another couple of years before I have to start getting those flu shots. 

And, the fifth and last benefit researchers shared is that laughter helps to improve infection.  Of course this had to do with something called macrophages that boost the white blood cells that fight viruses and infections . . . I really didn’t understand it, but I thought the word “macrophages” sounded funny, so I laughed.  Probably added a couple of minutes to my life span.

Again, I am not sure why all of this time, energy, and money was used to research something most of already knew . . . laughter is good for humans.  It adds years to our health.  Makes us feel good.  Keeps us healthy. Helps us to poop with regularity.  And, for a few, I suppose, improves their sex lives.  But, I think that we all knew that already . . . laughter is good for us.

I like to laugh.  I like a good joke.  I like good physical comedy.  I like a good pun.  I like slap stick.  I like sarcasm.  I like comics and cartoons.  I don’t care too much for clowns . . . but, that is a whole other issue.  I like to laugh.  It makes me feel good . . . it makes us all feel good.  And, I believe that laughter is a gift from God that God expects us to embrace and use because God likes laughter.  In my personal theology as a follower of Jesus and as a minister, I believe that worship has to have laughter in order to be worship.  I have told every congregation I have ever served that I believe in the power of laughter and that if we didn’t laugh at least once in worship . . . well then, we didn’t worship.  I think it is as important to a worship service as Holy Communion, prayer, and taking up the weekly offering . . . there has to be laughter.  So, we laugh . . . each and every Sunday we laugh.  God is happy with our laughter.

I appreciated that science confirmed what most of us already knew . . . well, except maybe for that part about pooping and more sex.  Laughter is good for us.  Sure they could have saved a lot of time, effort, and money if they had done some sort of online survey like Survey Monkey or Doodle poll, but then we might have missed the humor in it . . . we might have missed the opportunity to laugh.  It has been said that “laughter is the best medicine” . . . research proves it.  I like laughter . . . I like to laugh.  That is why love, laughter, and friendship is always welcome in my home and in my life.  By the way . . . have you heard the one about . . .