Summer . . . Sleepless Nights

I read that temperatures above 75 degrees can make it difficult to sleep at night . . . at least that is what the gurus at the National Sleep Foundation say.  When temperatures are above that mark on the ol’ thermometer, it takes longer to fall asleep, and once you are asleep you don’t sleep as long, and that means you miss out on the deep and restorative sleep necessary for a happy, healthy life.  Well, it is summer . . . temperatures are abnormal and well above 75 degrees . . . we have no air conditioning and, I am not sleeping a wink!  Ah, the joys of summer and being cheap!

For the past two summers, Montana has been above normal in its seasonal temperatures . . . especially in the summer.  We have been averaging about ten to twenty degrees above normal . . . it is hot.  How hot is it?  Well, it is hot enough that business and restaurants are posting signs on their walls that say, “No shirt, no pants, no problem.”  It is so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.  Yeah, it is hot and hot makes it difficult to sleep at night.

Here it is, past my bedtime, and I am still up.  I couldn’t sleep . . . too hot.  Part of it is my nature . . . I have a difficult time falling to sleep at night.  I am jealous of the wife . . . she has no difficulty falling to sleep each night.  Usually I seethe as I listen to her gently snore each night while I sit there blasting sheep with a shotgun.  Of course, I might fall asleep quicker if I wasn’t blasting sleep with a shotgun.  Then, add summer and its heat to the equation, I don’t sleep.  So, I am lamenting.  But lamenting gets a person nowhere.  Not wanting to lay awake for another two hours or more, I decided to get my butt out of bed, surf the Internet, and see if there were some words of advice at beating the summer heat and sleeping.

I think you can find just about everything and anything you want on the Internet . . . summer sleep advice was easily found.  Seems I am not the only one who dreads the short, sleepless nights of summer!  There was some actual advice on how to try and get a good night’s sleep in the summer.  MSN Healthy Living offered this advice:

      ---Sip icy cold milk or tea before bed.  First of all, ever since they came up with different degrees of milk . . . warnings about drinking whole milk . . . there is not a whole lot of milk in our refrigerator.  What my wife calls milk, I call dirty water.  And, tea!  Tea has caffeine . . . caffeine keeps people up . . . cold or not, it keeps people up.  Besides, if I drink anything before going to bed—at my age, anyways, means a trip to the bathroom around one or two in the morning.  The idea is that the coolness of the drink lowers the core body temperature making it easier to sleep.  I wish I had thought of that while I was taking that pre-morning potty break!

---Take a shower or bath.  Now they are getting personal and messing with my routine!  Take a bath more than once a week!  Are they crazy!  The idea is that a bath cools you off . . . I thought the idea of a bath was to clean you off.  I don’t know if I could handle taking a bath more than once a month!

     ---   Ditch the blankets on the bed . . . sleep only on cotton sheets . . and, use a terry cloth towel to absorb your sweat.  Ha!  According to my wife—no matter what time of the year—a bed is not a bed unless it has sheets, a blanket, and comforter on it.  It does not matter what time of the year it is, a bed is not a bed without those three things.  Needless to say, I attempt to sleep on top of them all.  It ain’t working out too well.

    ---Sleep naked.  Clothes trap heat . . . heat causes sweat . . . sweat causes discomfort . . . discomfort causes restlessness . . . restlessness causes sleeplessness.  The cure?  Sleep naked.  Scary thought, but it would be helpful when I have to get up in the middle of the night to relieve myself after drinking cold milk or tea.

     ---Change your schedule.  Take a mid-day siesta.  It seems that this idea comes from Europe.  Peasants used to hap during the hottest part of the day in summer, then continue working late into the evening while there was still light. I guess these people never worked for the state . . . besides, I don’t have a job that allows me to work leaning against a shovel.

     --- Sleep in a different spot.  The suggestion is that you change the place where you sleep.  For example, sleep on the floor.  Heat rises, the coolest air is on the floor.  It has been a long, long time since I slept on the floor . . . the wife won’t let me drink that much anymore.  If that were to happen I’d probably be sleeping in the dog house.  But, hey!  It might be cooler than our house.

I am not sure who comes up with this advice, but I guess they have all of our good intentions in mind. Nothing seems to work . . . I have watched reruns of Oprah and I still cannot find sleep.  I have tried to go to bed before the wife, but I am a worry wart and worry about people until they go to bed.  I have tried everything, but nothing works.  I have come to accept my plight in life . . . sleep is a pain in the ol’ . . . well, you get the picture.  In the meantime . . . I sweat and remember . . . remember when I could sleep at the drop of a dime.  A dime don’t work anymore . . . anyone got a fifty?  The temperature is above 75!

Wilting

Compared to a lot of other states this summer, I shouldn’t complain . . . but it is so hot this summer!  The majority of the days since the start of June have been in the 90s and several jumping over the century mark.  It has been a unnaturally warm—no, make that hot—summer here in Montana.  I can’t speak for the rest of Montana, but frankly I am tired of it.  Tired of all the hot!

I imagine that those of you reading this are wondering the answer to that question of “how hot is it?”  It is so hot that the birds have started to wear potholders to pull worms out of the ground.  It is so hot that farmers have started feeding crushed ice to the chicken to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.  It is so hot that I have started to determine where I park my car by the amount of shade I can find as opposed to distance—nearly walked a mile to work this morning.  It is so hot you burn your hand opening the car door and have learned to drive with two fingers.  It is so hot that cows are giving evaporated milk.  It is so hot that I have taken to standing half-naked in front of an opened refrigerator . . . well, I did, until the local Sears salesperson told me I couldn’t do that in the store any more.  One person told me that it was so hot that he saw a squirrel fanning his nuts!  It is HOT!

This heat also has a tendency to make other things hot.  A local weather station in College Station, Pennsylvania did a little research to see how the heat affected other things.  This is what they discovered when the temperature hovered around 100 degrees:   

• Blacktop rises to a temperature of 149 degrees.

• Sidewalks rise to a temperature of 143 degrees.

• Sand is a cool 130 degrees.  Now I understand my aversion to walking around barefooted in the summer—who wants blistered feet?

• Want to punish your kids?  Send them down a slide during the summer!  The temperature of a slide rises to 132 degrees.  Talk about warm buns.

• A light colored car warms up to 136 degrees, while a dark colored car is at 168 degrees.  Either way I suspect that it is much warmer inside the actual vehicles.  The wife has helped cool down the house this summer by doing all her baking in the VW Jetta that happens to be a dark blue.  We are getting about six loaves of bread to a gallon of gas!

Yessiree . . . it is hot this summer.  Hotter than most Montanans are used to.  It is so hot that I actually have been hearing people here wishing it was winter in Montana.  The nine months of winter in Montana are the months we endure to enjoy the three months of summer.  That is when you know that folks are getting tired of all this heat and we haven’t even gotten into August yet.  August—the hottest time of the year in Montana!  We all await with great anticipation to see what August brings.  In the meantime we have taken to running through sprinklers, kicking the kids out of the wading pools, and buying out the local grocery store’s supply of ice.  We are making the best of it during an unusually hot, hot summer.  We are surviving, but complaining.

But, as my momma used to say, “This, too, will pass.”  The cold will arrive.  The snow will fly.  We will bundle up and wonder when, oh when, will the summer return?  We Montanans have short memories . . . or our minds got fried in this heat!  If this summer is going to pass I hope it at least creates a breeze . . . anything to stifle this heat!