Discombobulated

I am not into predestination.  One of the great myths of Christianity seems to be that God has a plan for each of us.  That pretty much sounds like predestination to me.  If God has a plan for me, knows where I am going to end up . . . well, that reeks of predestination to me.  A lot of the Christians I encounter by into this idea of God having a plan for each of us.  I don’t think that God has a plan for each of us . . . at least not short of us attaining what we were created to be as individuals created in God’s image . . . but, a specific, laid out plan—I cannot buy into that.

For me to buy into that sort of thinking I would think that God has a better way of laying out the plan than what most of us experience in our lives.  If most of our lives are being lived according to God’s plan, well then, God has a pretty haphazard plan for most of us . . . God has a pretty wicked sense of humor.  No, I think that if God had a specific plan for our lives, God would have given our parent written instructions (maybe even stone tablets) detailing those plans for each of us.  I know that my parents never received any such instructions when they took me out of the hospital to go home.  I know that the wife and I never received any such instructions with any of our kids.  If God is a loving and caring God, God would not make us play this game we call life . . . God would have shown us the way!  But, God didn’t.

I realize that the statements above are pretty thin, but I am attempting to keep things simple.  Basically what I am trying to say is that I do not think that God has a specific plan for each of us . . . that our lives are predestined.  There are a variety of reasons that I believe this.  I cannot picture God predestining any person to a life of poverty and hunger . . . a life of abuse . . . a life of neglect . . . violence . . . calamity . . . disaster . . . none of it.  I cannot believe that God would predestine some folks to ungodly wealth . . . power . . . or even popularity.  I do not think that God plans any of our lives out step by step.  I cannot buy into it because I cannot believe that God would will any of the crap that I have experienced in life on any one.  That is not a God that I can believe.

Instead I believe in a God that has hope . . . hope that all of us will fulfill our destinies as the individuals that God created us to be.  Individuals who have come to know that the most important thing is love . . . love of God . . . of love ourselves . . . love of others.  It was a love that was model by God through Jesus.  I think that is what God hopes for . . . that we all attain this state of love as the people we were created to be . . . people created in the image of God.  It all comes down to relationships . . . loving relationships.

Which brings me to my present life situation . . . a state of discombobulation.  I like that word . . . discombobulation . . . it kind of rolls off the tongue . . . it sounds cool.  Yet, as much as I like the word, I am not too thrilled with what the word represents.  To be discombobulated is to be mixed up . . . confused . . . frustrated . . . out of synch . . . discombobulated.  For a couple of weeks I have felt discombobulated.

In my life right now nothing seems to be in synch.  For several years everything seemed to fall into place . . . the move to Montana . . . the church I serve . . . the job at the university . . . life in general.  Everything seemed to fit into place . . . everything seemed to be going according to plans whether they were divine or human made.  Everything seemed to fall into place and work together . . . at least until recently.

Now, I have heard the racist statement that white men cannot dance . . . but, this guy at least knew how to put two feet in front of himself and walk without falling down.  It seems I am falling down all of the time lately.  The move to Montana—still the best thing that I have ever done.  Whatever my life is to be about is supposed to be done here.  Montana is fine . . . no discombobulation there. 

The church . . . well, it is actually going really well. We are not growing by leaps and bounds . . . we aren’t actually growing at all; but, though we are not growing numerically, we are growing spiritually.  I have seen tremendous growth towards wholeness and hospitality . . . radical inclusiveness . . . since coming to serve as a pastor.  Things are pretty good there too.

Work at the university . . . hmmm . . . might be some issues there.  I love the people I work with at the Montana Center for Inclusive Education at Montana State University Billings—they are good people.  Yet, at the same time, I feel as if things have changed tremendously . . . my role has been dramatically changed—over and over again—for a lot of reasons.  In the five-plus years that I have worked for the Center, my role has changed numerous time.  Those role changes have been due primarily funding issues; but, none the less, there have been numerous changes.  Yet, I still have hope that at some point the Center will actually allow me to work towards their idea of inclusion . . . but, in the meantime I continue to be a pimp providing the much demanded professional education that teachers seek.

So, there is some discombobulation in my working life.  Right now I find myself longing to be in the full-time ministry.  Yeah . . . yeah . . . I know, life is a constant opportunity to minister; but, I want to get back into ministry on a full-time basis . . . back among the people on a daily basis.  Right now the situation does not allow that to happen . . . I float between two worlds and the world of ministry often falls short of what it could be.  That knowledge is discombobulating.

What I wish I could do and what I am doing are not matching up very well.  There are a variety of reasons that these are not matching up, but primarily it comes down to . . . yeah, you’ve got it—money.  The things that I love to do . . . write . . . photography . . . hang out with God; well, none of those pay too well.  Yes, I know that God will provide . . . but will God provide me at the level I have come accustomed to?  One side of me wants to jump in with both feet and see where I land . . . the other side wants to play it safe and hang onto what I have.  On the safety side of life I can provide for my family . . . I can buy them things that they not only need, but also the things that they want.  On jumping in with both feet on the side of writing, photography, and hanging around with God . . . well, there does not seem like there is much money. 

Thus it has been for a couple of weeks that I have been struggling with my life.  It is not really the way that I want to live it, but it is the way that I support my family.  It is not terrible, but it is also not making much of a difference in the lives of others or myself.  It is not fun.  Thus I flip back and forth between I want feel is my purpose and what is my work . . . I keep thinking to myself that there has to be something better than this.  The pieces are all there, but I have not figured a way to put them together.  And, trust me, it has been a draining frustration the past few weeks.

This is not what I think that God planned for me . . . if it is, then God has a wicked sense of humor.  Yet, at the same time, I think that God is keeping an eye on me and hoping . . . hoping that I live up to God’s expectations . . . expectations of loving God, loving myself, and loving others.  In the past few months I feel as if I have been going through the motions.  It really has me discombobulated.

As much as I love the word “discombobulated”, I do not care too much for the state of mind . . . mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I do not think that this is something God would slam dunk on me.  I don’t believe in that predestination stuff.  But, I do believe that God is rooting for me to make good decisions based on love . . . based on community . . .based on relationships.  God wants me to achieve my destiny . . . a destiny that is not planned out for me but one that is hoped for.  It is no fun to feel discombobulated—no matter how cool the word might sound.

For a while now my prayer has been simple.  It is the prayer of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Jesus prayed: “Thy will be done.”  I know that it is not some map that God hands down from heaven, but a simple hope.  Hope that I fully come to know and embrace the example of Jesus.  The day will come when I no longer feel discombobylated.  In the meantime, I keep plugging along.  It is tough work . . . but, God still hopes for me. God still hopes for you . . . may we all find the love of God in our lives and in the relationships we have.  I do not think that God destines upon us, but hopes for us. 

“Thy will be done . . .”

As simple as that prayer might be . . . it is tough.  May we all find that hope in our daily lives.  Life is holy when one comes to realize what really matters is relationships . . . love . . . and, grace.  Our destiny is determined in how we live up to God’s hope.  Sounds easy, but it is difficult.  Almost discombobulating.

Guess I'd Rather Be . . .

Guess I'd Rather Be . . .

I guess he'd rather be in Colorado

He'd rather spend his time out 

where the sky looks like a pearl after a rain

Once again I see him walkin 

Once again I hear him talking 

to the stars he makes 

and asking them for bus fare

I guess he'd rather be in Colorado

He'd rather play his banjo in the morning

 when the moon is scarcely gone

In the dawn the subways comin 

in the dawn I hear him hummin'

Some old song he wrote of love in Boulder Canyon

I guess he'd rather be in Colorado

I guess he'd rather be in Colorado

I guess he'd rather work out where 

the only thing you earn is what you spend

In the end up in his office

In the end a quiet cough 

is all he has to show

He lives in New York City

(Guess He'd Rather Be in Colorado by John Denver)

I think what makes God happy is when creation becomes what it was created to be . . . I think that God is happy when people become who God created them to be.  I think that it sometimes takes a lifetime--if ever--for many of us to find the courage to take that risk to be who God created us to be.  In the meantime, I think most of us sell ourselves short of the potential of who God created us to be, and that we spend ourselves settling for "good enough"  . . . "good enough" when we know deep down within ourselves there is more to us than we are willing to discover and live.  I think we end up a lot like that the guy in John Denver's song, Guess He'd Rather Be In Colorado, wishing we were someone else, somewhere else, than where we are.  Haven't we all said, "I'd rather be . . ."

One of my favorite writers is Joseph Campbell, a mythologist, who wrote about pursuing one's "bliss".  Bliss was the word that he used to describe one's purpose in life . . . the reason for one's existence . . . the reason that a person got up every morning, excited and raring to live life to its fullest.  He believed that in discovering one's bliss a person discovered who he or she was created to be.  And, he often wrote about the sadness that accompanied a life that was unfulfilled because people did not pursue, embrace, and live their bliss . . . their purpose . . . themselves as created by God.  Though he did not quite say it this way, Campbell was saying that a fulfilled life is the life that is lived to be what God created it to be . . . Jesus said the same thing.  Campbell writes: “Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” Bliss . . . purpose . . . meaning.

The tough thing about pursuing one's "bliss" is that more often than not, "bliss" is not too practical when it comes to supporting a family, putting food on a table, and having a roof over one's head.  Because of that, most of us end up with thoughts of "I'd rather be . . . someone else . . . somewhere else . . . anywhere but where I am right now."  That is why--when I hear the song by John Denver about the New York wannabe--I feel a bit melancholy about my life.  I am not too sure that I have quite taken the risk and pursued my "bliss" . . . that I have quite lived up to who God created me to be . . . that I am settling for second best.

 Of course, I might not be too sure what my bliss is . . . and, that could be a problem.  I imagine that there are a lot of people in my life who might have an opinion or two about what my bliss should be.  I have been told that photography seems to be something that I enjoy and that I am fairly decent at . . . others have told me that I seem to write fairly well.  Both are things that I enjoy, but I will have to admit that I am lazy.  With photography I do not want to take the time to edit and improve photographs I have taken . . . I want to be a one-shot wonder when it comes to photography . . . I want my pictures to stand as they are without doing any photo-shopping.  Of course, every photographer knows this . . . you have to take a lot of pictures to get one perfect picture.  Same with writing . . . I am not real adamant about proofing, editing, or revising much of what I write.  I just like to sit down, write something, and throw it out for whoever wants to read it.  Do people know something I don't?  Are these apart of the bliss I have been searching for?

I don't know.  Like everyone else, I do not want to be second guessing myself my whole life . . . and, like any follower of Jesus, I want to find and live who is it that God created me to be . . . to discover that bliss and live it to its fullest.  I don't want to sit in some office moaning and groaning that I was someplace or someone else.  I don't want to be saying, "I'd rather be . . ."

Life is risky business when we decide that we are going to be honest with ourselves and strive to be who God created us to be.  Risky because what God has created us to be may not be something that puts food on the table or pays the monthly mortgage payment.  To step into the unknown and put everything on the line . . . well, that is scary.  True, God will provide, but will God provide at the level I have become accustomed to?  Also, true, is that if it is God's will it will be . . . that takes courage and faith to follow.  It would be so much easier if God would just put a big neon sign up telling us exactly what to do with our lives.  But, God doesn't.

Instead God gives us hints . . . gives us signs . . . whispers in our ears . . . and, basically challenges us to discover what it is that we are created for.  There is nothing simple about it.  It is scary.  It is risky.  It is certainly safer to sit in some cubicle in New York City, dreaming about the mountains, than to put on the line to follow what might be a pipe dream.  Isn't it the American motto to be better safe than sorry?

Again, I don't know.

What I do know is that I do not want to feel like the guy in John Denver's song.  I do not want to find myself longing for something that I am too scared to find out whether or not that is where I should be.  i do not want to end up in my twilight years regretting any part of the life I have lived.  Am I there yet?  I doubt it because there is still that longing within my heart.  I might not be there yet, but I do think that I am where God wants me to be . . . that I am constantly getting closer to what God wants me to do and be . . . and, that I am still waiting for that neon light to show me the way.  I am not quite there yet . . . but I am getting closer.  I think that makes God happy too.

Sounds of Silence

One of the most difficult parts of being a person of faith has been discerning the will of God . . . understanding God’s will for my life.  I firmly believe that God created me for a purpose . . . for a reason.  That I am unique in what it is that God wants from me . . . just as I believe that God created each of us for a certain purpose.  And, I believe that God calls me to be who God created me to be . . . in that way, I reach perfection.  That is the journey of faith . . . to be all that God created me to be.  It just would have been nice if God gave me a book of instructions to follow in getting there.

Yeah, I know . . . the Bible is that instruction book, but I think you know what I mean . . . I wanted the specifics . . . the step-by-step details: after all, I am human and desire the easiest path.  But, no . . . God did not make it that easy.  Instead God has decided that the it would be best if I—we—learned the fine art of discernment.  The problem with discernment is that it is not easy . . . it is never, ever, easy.  Even at my age, I have not yet mastered the art of discernment.

Mythologist Joseph Campbell stated that if an individual found his or her bliss that there was his or her purpose.  What he did not say, or maybe he did and I just wasn’t listening, was that sometimes that purpose is not what the individual wants to do.  That he or she struggles against that purpose despite all the signs pointing to a perfect match.  That he or she does not see him or herself in that role . . .

How does one respond to the voice of God when one is not sure that he or she wants to listen?  As we enter into Holy Week we are reminded that Jesus struggled with God’s will . . . he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane and finally declared, “Not my will, but thy will be done.”  Peter, too, struggled with his love and allegiance to Jesus, and in the end, denied Jesus three times.  Responding to God’s will is not always a neat and clean process . . . nor is it quick.  Peter later redeemed himself . . . but not before realizing what he had done.  I think that most of us are somewhere between the two . . . I know that I am.

It has been said that hindsight is 20/20.  I would agree.  Looking back over my life I have determined . . . no, discerned . . . that there is a fairly clear path that God has called me to trudge down.  The ministry is a part of that path.  From a young age, when I had to write an essay about what I wanted to be when I grew up, ministry was on the list.  I had to pick three occupations or careers . . . I chose the military, teaching, and not being able to think of anything else, I chose ministry.  No, I was not drinking in the fifth grade!  It was a whim to get the assignment done.  Several decades later, I am about to celebrate my 30^th anniversary of being ordained into the ministry.  More than 50 percent of my life has been as a minister . . . I am probably where God wanted me.  Yeah, the whim became the call.

The other call upon my life is one that I have tried to ignore . . . that is in the area of disabilities.  Having grown up in a family with siblings with disabilities and witnessing the crap they endured . . . our family endured . . . the second class (if that) they were placed in . . . I was determined not to fall into that trap.  Then I had children with disabilities . . . went through the same crap . . . watching them be thrown into a lower class than everyone else . . . I was even more determined not to hop into the fray.  Yet, surprisingly my voice is strongest in this area despite my efforts to not jump into the fray.  Instead of wholeheartedly embracing this call upon my life, for the most part, I stand back and remain silent.

Richard Bach used the term “reluctant messiahs” in his book Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah.  Basically he was referring to the fact that often people do know and understand their purpose in life . . . God’s call upon their life . . . but chose to either ignore it or to step into it with reluctance.  To use my father’s phrase, to do it half ass . . . with, reluctance.  I understand that . . . I understand that because I dabble in the second half of God’s call upon my life . . . to be an advocate for those who are disabled.  More often than not, I stand in silence.

It is only with reluctance that I step into the fray . . . only when I am dragged into the discussion . . . into the fight.  It is only when it affects someone I love, someone I care about, that I get involved.  Otherwise, I remain silent.  Silence does not get the job done.  Silence does not solve the problem.  To remain silent is to ignore the voice of God . . . it is to refuse God’s will . . . it is to refuse to be whole and holy.  That is the sucky part of discernment.  To know God’s will and to refuse to participate.  The sounds of silence are deafening . . . they kill.

Ministry is a part of God’s will for my life . . . I do it well enough.  But, as I have said for many, many years, I am not sure the ministry I do is the ministry that God desires me to be involved in.  That ministry, in my mind, involves working and advocating with those who have disabilities and their families.  As much as many will doubt me, I know that this is a population that is overlooked, ignored, and on the brink of being eliminated . . . even within the church where all are supposed to be welcomed.  I hear God knocking on the door, but it is only with reluctance that I even crack it open when I do open it.

Shame on me.

In Nikkos Kazantzakis’ book, The Last Temptation of Christ, it begins with Jesus running from an unknown stalker.  Jesus can hear the footsteps behind him.  Though he acts as if he does not know who the stalker is, he does—it is God.  Jesus tries to run, but he cannot escape.  In the end, he gives in to God’s will . . . the journey and ministry begin.  The bottom line is that we can run, but we can never escape God’s will . . . God’s purpose for us.  That is another part of the suckiness of discernment.

So, I stand in the sounds of silence . . . the day will come when I can run no longer . . . then God’s will will be done.