Buck Snorts

It’s been said before, “You can dress up a pig, but it’s still a pig.”  So, it goes with flatulence . . . more commonly known as “farts”.  No matter how you say it . . . whatever name you give it . . . a fart is a fart is a fart.  Smelly business when you get down to it.  It amazes me at how many different names and ways are attempted to name a fart.  I was curious at how many ways one could name or describe a fart.  Off the top of my head, I could only come up with about ten.  I found one website on the Internet that had 150!  Check it out.  Here are some of the most common ones and some that were my favorites:

 

Cut the cheese

Breaking wind

Farting

Flatulence

Cut one

Toot

Pass gas

Air biscuit

Butt bazooka

Trouser trumpet

 

One that is not on the list, but I learned when I was getting my Speech Pathology degree in college is “bilabial fricative”.  That was popular among my classmates and a great conversation starter at parties. 

 

Another one that I picked up later in life was “buck snort”.  I picked that one up as a fan of the television show Cheers.  In one episode Ted, the owner of the bar, comes into the bar and notices Coach—one of the bartenders, giggling and laughing.  Curious he asks Coach what is so funny.  The bartender hands him a paper napkin with two hunters hiding in a clump of bushes.  One looks over at the other and says, “Did I hear a buck snort.”  Coach finds this hilarious.  So hilarious he buys 30 grosses of the napkins—4320 of the napkins.  Ted finds no humor in the napkins or the fact that Coach bought them.  Like Coach . . . I think it is funny.  What do you think? 

 

I have an older friend—in his nineties—in Michigan who has appreciated his bodily functions for quite some time.  He often is “tooting” (pardon the pun) his horn about the number of times he has sneezed or farted.  He is always attempting to break his previous record.  He finds great delight in this endeavor. This got me thinking, as we get older, do we fart more?  Being curious, I wanted to know.

 

Guess what!  We do!

 

According to the Internet . . . in fact the WebMD website . . . the older we get, the more we fart.  I was unaware that most people pass gas at least 14 times per day.  Some do it more, some people do it less.  It all depends on lots of factors.  It is quite common as this is a natural occurrence for everyone.  Basically, it is the digestive system releasing air through the rectum.  For the most part it is fairly normal.  Apparently as we get older our bodies begin to break down . . . metabolism slows down . . . food sits in the digestive system longer creating more gas, plus the stomach makes less acid needed to digest food well.  The result is more flatulence.  Medication can also lead to more tooting.  Plus, there are some medical causes that can make one pass gas. 

 

Apparently as we get older, we cut the cheese more often.  It is a part of aging.  Despite it being a normal function of our bodies, it is still frowned upon by most.  Breaking wind whenever one feels like it is not socially acceptable in the majority of situations.  For example, as a minister, it would not be seen as socially acceptable for me to cut one loose while standing at the communion table.  Of course, if I had, I probably would have leaned over to one of the elders at the table and said, “Did I hear a buck snort?”  But that is just me.  The congregation probably would not have seen the humor in it.

 

You must admit though, farting is humorous.  As kids we giggled and laughed whenever one of us passed gas.  It was funny.  Admit it.  How could it not be?  Who among us didn’t laugh when we saw the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles?  As a grandfather I have found that flatulence humor is quite popular with the grandkids, while on the other hand, it isn’t tolerated as much among their parents (even though they turn so you can see them giggling).  As funny as farting is, we have been taught that it is not something we are supposed to do or appreciate as we get older.  God must have a wicked sense of humor . . . making us pass gas more often as we get older.  I bet God thinks of it as just another temptation we must avoid as we get older.

 

Now, because it is a bodily function, that means that there are some things we can do to avoid butt yodeling too much.  Here are some of the suggestions:

·        Stay hydrated (Drink more water . . . it makes sense because you are too busy peeing to toot.)

·        Exercise . . . it keeps things moving in the digestive system. 

·        Avoid dairy products . . . This also makes sense since science has proven that cows have lots of flatulence that produces methane.  So much methane that some say cows are one of the greatest causes of global warming.  Quit using dairy products . . . put the cows out of business!

·        Avoid veggies that cause gas . . . broccoli, cabbage, brussels sprouts, and asparagus.  Outside of cabbage these are the foundation of my vegetable consumption.  We have these several times a week.  I guess if I let out a rump roar I can blame it on the vegetables.

·        Check out your meds . . . those little pills might be the starter mix for some squeakers.

·        Avoid soda pop . . . carbonated drinks.  Pop is no big deal for me.  I can live without it.  On the other hand, beer . . . well that is a different story.  I like my beer and I am not ready to switch over to all nitro beer.  A tootsie here or there with a couple of beers is worth the risk of being a social outcast.

·        Avoid beans and lentils.  Duh!  We all know: “Beans, beans, the musical fruit.  The more you eat, the more you toot.  The more you toot, the happier you feel.  So, eat your beans with every meal!”  Who doesn’t want to feel happy?

·        Don’t chew gum.  Chewing gum can make you swallow air that leads to gas.  Luckily, I cannot walk and chew gum at the same time.  I’d much rather walk . . . I like to go places.

·        Avoid eating on the go.  Scarfing down food while on the run is not good because it causes cornhole claps . . . plus it is not safe!

Here’s the thing . . . you can’t beat entropy.  We all get old.  We all wear down.  It is natural.  Flatulence . . . farting . . . whatever you call it . . . it increases as we get older.  We cannot avoid it.  It just happens.  Any attempt to suppress or hold in a crack clapper is going to make us implode . . . blow up our insides.  That would be a mess . . . a crappy mess.  Let her rip!  Follow nature!  Less of a mess to clean up.  Since you can’t beat it, you might as well enjoy it.  Go for the record like my friend in Michigan.  See how many times a day you let those little stinkers out.  As I said, you can’t avoid it, so you might as well enjoy it.

Getting older stinks . . . literally . . . and this proves it.  Rectal turbulence is a natural function of our bodies that seems to increase as we get older.  There is scientific proof.  We old people are encouraged to embrace our aging as a part of the journey of life. The sound effects come with it.  Bob Dylan tells us that it is blowing in the wind, my friend . . . rejoice and make a joyful noise as the psalmist in scripture tells us.  You can’t avoid it.

Excuse me . . . I think I hear a buck snorting.

Toot-a-loo!