Complex Commodes

There are basic necessities in every person’s life.  Answering the call of Mother Nature is one of those necessities.  I know that it is a call that I never ignore . . . I always answer.  Yet, I have never given much thought to the ascetics of where I answer that call.  Typically if there is a place where I can relief myself, I am happy.  A simple procedure of taking care of business, a flush, and I am on my way.  I am a happy camper . . . or at least I thought I was.

I recently stumbled upon an article about high tech commodes that are quite popular in Japan and parts of Europe.  These commodes are high tech . . . they are filled with such luxurious amenities as heated seats, sound effects, built-in bidets and lids that raise automatically.  They come with MP3 players . . . . places to plug in you iPod or iPhone . . . button galore.  Suddenly taking a break in the library of the house has turned into a high tech adventure.

Now, I am of the generation that did not have to use an outhouse to take care of business when Mother Nature called . . . I avoided the duplicity of the Sears and Roebuck catalog in which one could read before finishing up business with the pages just read . . . I avoided the use of corn cobs as a replacement for the Sears and Roebuck catalog . . . and, splinters in the rear.  Luckily I grew up in the generation that had access to the porcelain throne with running water and a functioning sewer system . . . the “thunder dome”.  I have always been a “flushable” sort of guy.  It seems that the next generation of toilets comes with an instruction manual . . . I am not sure that I am ready for that.  Heck, I just learned to master the stereo system in my car!

According to the article I read, nearly all the toilets in Japan are high tech.  The lid automatically lifts when a person enters the room . . . it has sound effects (I am not sure if thunder is one of them, but I read that applause is one of the sound effects . . . just what I need . . . applause when I have a successful bowel movement!) . . . it will play music . . . it warms up so that the buns do not get cold . . . even comes with a remote control.  Shoot, I have not even figured out how to use the remote control for my television and now there is a remote for the toilet! And, the greatest feature of these new high tech toilets is that they are environmentally kind . . . they can be adapted to be paper-free . . . they come with a bidet.

Aw . . . the bidet!  We westerners . . . us Americans . . . are not accustomed to the bidet.  A bidet is a reverse spray that sprays once a person is done with the bathroom duty . . . . sprays the rear end.  Not just any bidet, but bidets that can provide a variety of sprays to clean the rear.  You decide, oscillating or pulsating . . . whatever gets you through the night . . . is available.  Just punch it in on the remote.  Heck, I am still trying to figure out how to turn on the darn remote!  Personally, I am not sure I am ready for anything to squirt my butt . . . oscillating or pulsating . . . seems a little obscene to me.

I affectionately refer to the bathroom in our house as the “library”.  I have found the bathroom to be one of the few places in the house where one can find solitarity.  It is the place where I can escape, be away from everyone else, and enjoy the time I have alone . . . an introvert’s dream.  In the “library” I have the opportunity to read . . . contemplate . . . dream . . . and, take a dump.  Now, I could get into a heated seat . . . especially in the winter when the temperature outside is a negative thirty in Montana . . . everyone appreciates warm buns.  With a high tech toilet I could add music to the mix . . . probably Internet access . . . shoot!  I probably would never come out of the house library if I had options like that.

Of course, the people selling these high tech commodes claim that this toilet will improve people’s lives . . . make it easier.  They even claim that in the future the toilets will be able to give advice about diet and exercise.  Just what I need . . . another wife! 

The rumor is that these toilets are slowly making their way into the United States.  They are beginning to show up more and more in states like California . . . the hippy, liberal, communistic state . . . especially around Hollywood.  They are gaining in popularity.  Especially as they become more complicated.  They say that the toilets in Japan can perform urinalysis from the deposits made . . . report them to a person’s personal computer . . . and, get the ball rolling towards a healthier life.  If they could do the annual income tax forms . . . well, I might consider it.  Especially if they could put Turbo Tax out of business.

Now, I have to admit . . . I like what technology has to offer; but, at the same time, I am not sure that I am ready for technology to completely step into my life and regulate my answers to the call of nature.  I am not too sure I want to have my deposit analyzed.  My buns have gotten used to the cold seat.  I do not need sound effects . . . I produce plenty of my own.  I do not need music to sooth my soul . . . especially since I have not figured out whether or not it is to mask sounds made in the “thunder dome” or to relax people as they take care of business.  And, lastly . . . why in the world would I want another remote control in my life!

So, I am going to pass on the high tech toilet . . . as fascinating at it might be.  I think that I have it pretty good with what I have . . . solitude . . . plenty of reading material . . . and, a seat that fits my equipment.  As nice as it is that I could listen to music that I have chosen to take care of business . . . I make plenty of music while I am taking care of business,  The porcelain throne that occupies the homestead bathroom is good enough for me . . . . it beats the Sears and Roebuck catalog . . . beats corn cobs.  I don’t need a spray or squirt of water at the end of the deed.  To be honest, I am pretty happy with my present arrangement as antiquated as it might be.  It gets the job done.

I appreciate the hard work that others are doing to make my life easier . . . even when it comes to taking a dump.  Yet, at the same time, I am not too sure I am ready to step . . . or should I say, sit down to . . . a high tech toilet.  Shoot!  I just learned how to hang toilet paper correctly!  Plus, I do not need another remote control in my life!

To answer the question of the article: Are you ready for the toilet of the future?  My answer is . . . “NO!”  At my age I do not need people messing up one of the few bodily functions I appreciate.  I do not need a toilet telling my current health conditions.  I do not need music to get the job done.  I do not need sound effects.  I do not need a warm seat . . . or a toilet that lights up when I enter the room.  I need none of this high tech stuff to get the job done.  Until the federal government mandates high tech toilets, I am going to enjoy the freedom I know . . . . besides, my body really does not care where I get rid of the bodily waste . . . it only wants me to get rid of it.  Besides, I have a wife that will tell me everything I need to know.