Shaken, Not Stirred

Life always looks better on the silver screen.

Seems there is a reason for the iconic spy, Agent 007—James Bond, wanting his martinis “shaken, not stirred” . . . the man was an alcoholic.  Apparently, with the amount of alcohol the man drank (according to the books and movies), there were pretty good odds that he was an alcoholic . . . a drunk of the most extreme kind.  I stumbled upon this myth-breaking knowledge while perusing that hot bed of facts . . . the Internet.  If it is on the Internet, it has to be true.  James Bond was an alcoholic.

At least he is according to a research team at Nottingham University Hospitals in England.  According to their research, the consumption of alcohol that James Bond drank was more than four times higher than the recommended intake for an adult male.  With this much alcohol in his system he would be incapable of battling the evil powers of the world, chasing all of the sexy skirts, and probably even be standing up much of the time.  The guy was a certifiable drunk.

Now, I really didn’t care how much James Bond was drinking when I watched his movies.  I did not keep count of how many martinis he was racking up as the movie rolled along.  No, I watched for the action and for the Bond’s girls . . . hey, let’s be honest, there wasn’t a whole lot of plot to the movies to begin with except action and Bond’s girls.  Because of this I was a little surprised that a university—a medical one, at that—would spend any money to monitor the drinking happens of the world’s most famous spy.  You would have thought that the money could have been spent in a more productive way . . . searching for a cure for cancer . . . or even, heaven forbid, obesity.  But . . . no, the drinking habits of James Bond warranted key scientific research for God only knows what reason.

Through keen research of the books about James Bond, the researchers were able to determine that the amount of alcohol consumed seemed rather high . . . four times the normal amount.  At this rate they determined that James Bond would be at an extremely high risk for several alcohol-related diseases . . . alcoholic liver disease, cirrhosis, impotence and alcohol-induced tremor.  They jokingly stated that this was probably why he wanted his martinis “shaken, not stirred” because the guy couldn’t hold his hand still.  They estimated, at his rate of drinking, that he would be lucky to make it to the age of 56 years old.  This guy wasn’t a “one for the road” sort of drinker . . . he was hardcore . . . he was a sot.

This explains a lot. Since the Bond movie franchise started in 1954, there have been eleven different actors who have played the iconic spy.  About every five years a new actor played James Bond on the silver screen . . . makes you wonder . . . were they dead or were they off at some rehab place drying out!  Also, it explains how the guy could constantly get the tar knocked out of him, bounce back, and always save the day . . . he was too drunk to feel the pain of being knocked into tomorrow . . . he was pickled.  Never saw a bruise on the guy.  According to the researchers James Bond could never—at least in real life—live up to his exploits on the screen . . . maybe from a barstool, but never in real life. 

I am not a big 007 fan . . . the movies were just great escapes of mindlessness . . . sort of a meditation into nothingness; but, they always had great themes songs, lots of explosions and heart-beating action, and plenty of eye candy for both sexes.  I am not surprised that James Bond over drank on a regular basis, but who wouldn’t?  You go out and try to save the world from all the evil forces seeking to destroy it . . . try to bed half of the world’s female population . . . and, look good while doing it.  That is enough to drive any person, much less an extraordinary spy of James Bond’s caliber, to drink.

It has been a while since a Bond movie has been out.  I imagine that James has been drying out somewhere . . . at least that is what the researchers recommended . . . that he get his butt in rehab as soon as possible.  In the meantime, I guess I will lift my beer and propose a toast to Mister Bond, “Here is to you, James!”  Knock it down, and get out there to save the world.  Heaven knows we need more alcoholic spies taking care of business . . . couldn’t be worse than we already have!  

Closet Romantic

 

I have to confess . . . I am a “closet romantic”.  I love a good romance story, and have been known to get a little teary eyed at the movies that have dealt with true love.  No matter how many times I watch Casablanca, I get teary . . . surely the thousandth time that I watch it, Ilsa and Rick will get back together . . . but, it never happens.  A good romance is good for cleaning the ol’ tear ducts! 

What brought on my confession of being a “closet romantic” was an article by MSN.com that named the most memorable star-crossed movie couples.  In the pictures above are a few of the couples they shared as being “memorable”.  Some of the ones that they named . . . I agree with.  For example I agree that Molly and Sam from Ghost deserved a place on the list.  It was a good movie . . . or, maybe I was just a huge Demi Moore in a pixie haircut fan . . . either way, it made the list.  So did Ariel and Eric from The Little Mermaid . . . yeah, I know, it was a cartoon; but, it was a cartoon with heart, romance, and had great tunes in Under the Sea and Kiss the Girl.  I could agree that half of the ones that they shared were hanky flicks, but the others . . . well, I guess I just have a different taste when it comes to romance. 

I did not like Rhett or Scarlett in Gone with the Wind . . . Rose and Jack in the Titanic, well I am not a big fan of Leonardo DiCaprio in that movie . . . it was kind of sappy.  Maria and Tony in West Side Story was a great musical and I love musicals, but that one was not my cup of tea.  Katniss and Peeta in the Hunger Games . . . she could have done a whole better than some wimpy guy who is out to kill her . . . the hunter dude from earlier in that flick would have been better.  And, then there was Jennifer and Oliver from Love Story . . . “Love is never having to say you are sorry”—remember that quote?  I imagine they had to say “sorry” a whole bunch after that sappy movie came out.  They all made the list . . . different strokes for different folks is all that I can say.

The article was interesting, but what was more interesting were those movie couples that did not make the list.  I was shocked that one of my favorite, all-time, romantic movie couples did not make the list . . . where was Buttercup and Westley from The Princess Bride?  Katie and Hubbell from The Way We Were?  Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice?  What about Cinderella and the Prince in Ever After . . . or Tristan and all the women who break his heart in Legends of the Fall . . . Annie Savoy and Crash Davis from Bull Durham (baseball and romance, who could ask for more!) . . . where were those tear-jerkers on the MSN.com list?

After all getting over the slight, the article made me think of all the romantic couples I have known throughout my life.  Two couples caught my attention . . . my daughter and her husband, and an elderly couple from the very first church I ever served. 

The wife and I have to admit, we like our son-in-law . . . he is a good guy who treats our daughter and granddaughter like princesses.  He is a good man . . . and, he is a romantic.   For example, take the way that he proposed to our daughter.  For Valentine’s Day he gave our daughter a gift—a trip from Montana to New York City to see the Broadway musical Wicked.  He booked the flight, made the reservations, and together they flew off to see the one musical she had been dying to see . . . it was perfect.  It was a romantic couple of days in New York City.  Then it came time to return to Montana, but they had not taken a carriage ride around Central Park . . . so, the son-in-law arranged for that to happen before they left for the airport.  Around Central Park they rode, cuddled in a blanket, madly in love . . . then he asked the carriage driver to stop . . . got on his knees and proposed.  Of course, the daughter said, “Yes.”  It has been quite a dramedy ever since, but they really do love one another.  Sadly, the son-in-law set the standards pretty high for the rest of the family on both sides.  (On that note, I must admit, that the youngest son did a good job when he proposed to his future bride . . . the mountains tops New York City any day!)  I must admit, I got a little teary-eyed.

The other one was a couple from the first church I served out of seminary.  It was an elderly couple who never came to church, but belonged to the church.  I was told that they were eccentric and kind of creepy.  They lived on an isolated farm where they pretty much kept to themselves.  They were pack rats and going to their home was always an adventure through years and years of stuff piled everywhere . . . over fifty years of stuff piled everywhere with nothing but paths to chairs, couches, beds . . . they would have made a great reality show.  He never spoke, she couldn’t be quiet.  Isolated and alone, they only had each other.

The husband had contracted rabies early in their marriage and was shipped off to the state mental institution because he just wasn’t “normal” according to those around them.  There he stayed as his wife tried to maintain life on the farm . . . it was hard, hard work . . . it was lonely to be a fairly new bride and have a husband gone due to an illness . . . and, she missed him dearly.  After a year, she could no longer handle it . . . she went to the mental institution, freed her husband, and brought him home.  For over fifty years they made a go of it despite what everyone else thought.  She loved him, he loved her.  Though he could not speak, he spoke bunches by his mere presence in her life.  Through thick and thin, they managed to stay together.

Their story awed me in its magnitude of the distance that two people would go to be with one another against great odds.  There was a deep love between them . . . it was a love that was expressed through music by the wife.  This woman had the practice of praying for all the people in her life, in her church, and beyond.  It was a simple act of prayer that she practiced . . . at her piano.  Each day she would play the piano . . . would play hymns.  Each person had a hymn that was “their” hymn, and she would sit at the piano for hours, playing each one, until she had prayed for each and every person.  It still makes me tear up whenever I think of this special couple.

So, there you have it . . . I am a “closet romantic”.  Yeah, I know it is not too manly to admit, but the truth will set you free.  I cry at movies (thank goodness movies are shown in the dark) . . . I like a good love story . . . oh well, sue me if you don’t agree.  We all know them, we’ve all seen them . . . and, maybe we are even living them; but the bottom line is that nothing beats a good love story.