Walking in My Sleep

A couple of times as a child I walked in my sleep.  At least that was the family myth.  I don’t remember it.  I was sleeping.  I have taken a few free falls in my sleep falling off the top bunk.  I remember these because they came with some extreme pain.  Now that I am older, I make trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  Those are “calls of nature”.  I have never ignored “calls of nature”.  I prefer sleeping in a dry bed and so does the wife.

I tell you this because there is a lot of nocturnal activity in my life.  At least that is what the wife tells me.  She is quick to mention my snoring when it occurs . . . usually after a stressful day.  She will tell me when I toss and turn a lot . . . again, usually after a stressful day or anxiety about the next day.  She loves to tell me about conversations I have throughout the night with unknown entities.  Apparently, they are quite revealing.  She’ll question me about my dreams.  Several nights a week she will tell me I am a whirlwind of nighttime activity.

 

I guess I “go walking in my sleep” as Billy Joel sang several years ago in his song, River of Dreams.  My nocturnal wandering and nighttime activities is way older than his song.  I’ve been doing it since I was a kid.  Billy Joel just gave me a name for it.  It is ridiculous to say I have always dreamed because we all dream.  Some are us are just more aware of it than others . . . but, I have always dreamed.  Apparently, it keeps me entertained while I sleep.  I know that it entertains my wife.

 

Not all the night activities are for entertainment.  I will admit that there probably is a portion that is pure silliness and has entertainment value.  I will let you decide for yourself.  At the same time, I believe that there is a purpose to all these nocturnal gymnastics.  We are being spoken to.  You ask who is speaking to us?  Well, there can be a variety of potential conversation mates.  It could be our bodies giving us messages concerning our bodies and health . . . for example, the “call of nature” in the middle of the night.  Always seems that those dreams deal with flowing water and dams breaking!  It could be our minds attempting to sort out the details of our day or week or life.  How often have we stated that could not go to sleep because our minds were too active?  It could be our psyche—the “three stooges” (Id, Ego, and Super Ego) can be active.  For those of spiritual leanings it could be the soul.  I’m sure the soul has a few things it would like to tell us.  For people of faith, it could be the Spirit getting active and mouthy.  Even on a deeper level it might be what one terms as God . . . the Creator . . . the Holy . . . the Higher Power.  Whatever is speaking is for you to decide.

 

Whatever the case, come night, there is a regular party taking place where all the activities are vying for our attention.  Nighttime is the perfect time to come knocking on our doors . . . we are still.  We are asleep.  We are a captive audience.  We cannot escape.  It is then that we “go walking in our sleep”.  It is there that we are confronted, cajoled, jarred, shaken, and called into conversation with the “other”.

 

Maybe we should listen.  Listen to what is being said and shared.  I believe it will make a difference in our journeys.  After all, we are all looking for something.  The rock group, U2, tells us that we are continually searching for something: “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”  Searching for what we have not yet found.  Isn’t that the journey we call “life”?  So, we “go walking in the middle of the night.”

 

In the middle of the night

I go walking in my sleep

From the mountain of faith

To the river so deep

I must be looking for something

Something sacred I lost

But the river is wide

And it’s too hard to cross

 

There was a time when it was proclaimed that God was dead . . . that God no longer spoke to the people.  That conversation ebbs and flows throughout all generations.  It seems that we are in that space once again.  The truth is that God or whatever you want to call that Higher Power has never stopped talking to creation . . . to humanity . . . to us.  John Sanford, a Jungian analyst and Episcopalian priest, tells us that God has always spoken to us from the very beginning.  We just are not good listeners.  This premise is the basis of his two most popular books, The Kingdom Within and Dreams: God’s Forgotten Language.  Both books that I would highly recommend.  The author says we aren’t any different than the biblical characters God spoke to . . . Mary, Joseph, Peter, and even the reluctant Paul.  We just need to listen and claim our space.

 

It begins with “walking in our sleep in the middle of the night”.  I would recommend it.  That you give it a try.  I think you will be surprised at what you discover.  We are being spoken to all the time . . . even in our sleep.  We just need to learn to listen.  Think about it.  Sleep on it.  What do any of us have to lose . . . a little sleep?

 

It’s the Race that Counts

Okay . . . I’m old enough to accept that I’m not going to come out on top.  I’m not going to win the race.  It’s just not in the cards.  The best I’m going to do is to get a “participant” trophy.  I can handle that at my age.  It is just not going to happen.  The odds were just too great.  Something like a zillion to one.  In the end I think that is what everyone should get—a “participant” trophy.  After all . . . we finished the race and that was the goal all along.

In the end, isn’t that what we all deserve?  Recognition for a race well ran?  That we finished.

 

My grandchildren have reached the age when they are now competing in competitive sports.  They are no longer playing sports for the sake of playing, enjoyment, and exercise.  Nope.  They have entered the realm of “winners and losers”, bragging rights, and all the marbles.  There is more seriousness to the sports they engage in.  A sharper edge.  It is the weeding out of “winners and losers” . . . a pecking order . . . a caste system of sorts.  It has taken the fun out of sports.

 

As my children grew up, I had various roles in their sporting adventures.  In their younger years I encouraged them to try out sports.  I was a cheerleader for their sporting endeavors.  I also coached them.  I coached soccer, basketball, track, and cross country.  When I first started coaching it was about teaching the skills and enjoyment of playing the sport.  The competition wasn’t important.  It was for the pure joy of the sport.  But somewhere along the way I slid into the “dark side” . . . the competitive side.  It was all downhill after that.  I lost track of the exhilaration of sports for the sake of sports.  Lost track of my kids as individuals only to see them as cogs in the competition machine.

 

Sports lost their joy.  For that . . . I apologize to my children and all the kids who endured my slide into the “dark side”.  If I killed the joy of sports for anyone . . . I apologize.  Competition is a sneaky, slippery slope to navigate.

 

I know.

 

Recently at my granddaughter’s lacrosse game, I caught myself with a toe in the “dark side” . . . I was shining about the officiating or lack thereof.  In a close game against an aggressive team the granddaughter’s team was losing.  Now it couldn’t be that the more aggressive team was more experienced and skilled than the granddaughter’s team—they obviously had played the sport longer.  No, the competitive spark in me turned towards the most obvious problem for any spectator—the referees.  Thankfully the whining was contained within the confines of my granddaughter’s mother—my daughter.  It probably triggered all sorts of PTSD flashbacks from the days when I coached her or sat in the stands at her games.  Poor kid.  Besides, it was ridiculous on my part, the referees were doing their best as middle school kids made to volunteer to officiate.  Kids!  Shame on me!  Thankfully I recognized the awakening of the monster within me.  Unfortunately, the daughter caught the brunt of my whining.

 

I apologized.  Then I spent a lot of time thinking about it.  I concluded that it is the fought of competition . . . the need to have “winners and losers” . . . the need to determine the “best” . . . to have a pecking order . . . a caste system.  We live in a society of ranking.  A need to determine the “top to bottom” . . . to declare the “best”.  Competition has ruined life.

 

We live in a competitive world.  It is not just sports—it is everything.  Everything is a competition.  Think about it.  Education is competitive—class ranks, scholarship, valedictorian, dean’s list, grades.  Business is competitive.  Politics is competitive.  War is competitive.  Dog shows.  Music.  Art.  Religion.  Shoot!  We even compete to see who has the best yard.  We rank everything . . . declare things the best . . . have our “top twenty, forty, hundred” lists.  We live in a competitive world.

 

I think competition is destroying life.  That competition has taken the “joy” out of life.  Everything is a competition.  It has worn me out!  It has saddened me as I’ve watched it take the “joy” away from so many.  It has all come about winning.  Only one can win—the rest, well they are “losers”.  No one wants to be a “loser”.

 

May its not competition that’s the problem.  May it is the need to have “winners and losers”.  Instead of having “winners and losers” we should embrace the participation award.  After all, everyone competed and should be acknowledged for doing their best . . . for showing up.  The problem with that is that we have glorified “winning” and declared “losing” as bad.  I’ve seen it with my children.  I have seen it with my grandchildren.  Someone is always keeping score . . . declaring “winners and losers”.  Go to any pee wee sporting event in which the score is not being kept and any kids in the game will be able to tell you . . . they know the score . . . they know whether they have won or lost.  It is too ingrained in the psyche of human nature . . . in society.

 

How terrible!  This was never the intention of the Creator.  I think it was the intention of the Holy for a unified effort towards everyone finishing the race together.  Not individual achievement, but the totality of creation.  It wasn’t about who got there first, but that everyone got there.  That is what I believe the Creator intended but we have even bastardized that to the point where we preach “us” against “them” as God’s favorites.  No matter what anyone says, the Holy plays no favorites.  All of creation belongs to the Creator—the call is to be “one”.

 

With that in mind, I probably need to work on keeping the competitive monster locked away.  Instead, I need to focus on enjoying the race . . . enjoying the people . . . enjoy watching how all the pieces fit and work together . . . striving to be the best that they can be.  Striving to cheer everyone across the finish line.  It is a long race, this thing we call life, and it sure helps having someone cheering you along.

 

As I said, I’m not going to go out on top when the end comes.  Nope, I will be lucky if I am 11,397,521,198^th.  I’ll take that participation trophy with pride as an acknowledgement that I made it, and someone noticed my effort.  It’s not whether I win or lose, it’s how I run the race.  How we all run the race.  That’s what matters.  May we all run to our greatest potential.  That is what makes the Creator smile . . . not winning . . . not losing . . . participating.